Questions

What am I accomplishing? Am I making any difference for anyone? Are we all supposed to make a big splash, but some of us just never achieve our potential? Or are some of us destined to never see huge results but required to remain faithful? How do you know you have done enough and it is time to move on? How do you know you're supposed to stay and measure success by how faithful you are rather than by how many results you see? Is the effect I have on others an indication of the legitimacy of my call? When people stop appreciating my efforts have I lost my ability to produce a positive, substantial difference? Do I do what I know is right to do, even if it is misunderstood as wrong?

Sometimes it is hard to take one step at a time, not knowing if I'm headed in the right direction. It's a little disconcerting to have to just trust that the one who is holding my hand in the dark is going to lead me to the place where it will all make sense.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers."
Galatians 6:9-10


A Hint of Life? By Amy Carmichael

We only see the scorching earth.
Lord of the seed, we cry,
Our sowing seemeth little worth
In ground so dry.

But if the eyes of angels see
Some hint of tender green,
Anoint our eyes that they may be
As angels', keen.

O mighty Quickener of the dead,
Dost Thou see life astir?
Dost Thou see harvest gold outspread,
As though it were?

The last couple of years, we have tried to give a lot of home-made gifts to help keep from blowing an even bigger hole in our pockets than we already do. (I cringe writing the last part of that sentence, knowing that my mother and father, and possibly a few others, will cluck their tongues after reading it.)

Anyway, this year we decided to do a family CD together as our Christmas present to everyone in our church, our family, and a few friends. It was a lot of work but also a lot of fun. Poor Vanny-poo got the brunt of the hard work. He had to play the piano for all the songs. The month of November was full of late nights where I would lay (lie?) in bed, listening to the clicking of the piano keys as he practiced his music with the earphones on. Bless his big, happy heart.

My job was to play the flute for one song and narrate for another. Allika got to sing "Away in a Manger" as a solo.

Oh! I guess I also had the hard job of folding card-stock into CD cases. I found the tutorial here.

We had gotten a free photo taken of our family at the Christian Community Fair, so that came in handy for the cover of the "album." It wasn't the most professional looking picture since we weren't expecting to have it taken, but it is a good representation of the essence of our family...pretty booger-head and down-to-earth.

And here is a sample of a couple songs. (Forgive me for making you have to endure more Christmas music after Christmas.)
Silent Night
Away In A Manger

The one difficult part of using this as our Christmas gift/card/photo, was that we had to severely limit to whom we could send it. It was very difficult to not be able to send it to everyone we wanted to.

Overall, though, we were very pleased with our home-made Christmas present this year.

Milestones

I have returned. Now all ten of you can throw a party and celebrate that I'm back. (That's ten, including my family.)

Give me two weeks off and I will get very, very lazy. I loved my vacation from life, but now it is really difficult to get back into the swing of things.

So, let's see...what has happened?

My husband's parents were here for two weeks. They just left yesterday. We got to spend Christmas with them and my sister's family. We love games, presents, food, kids, sledding, and music, so that's just what we decided to do. Great times they were.


(Allika and her cousin, Tea, opening presents)

I graduated. There is so much emotion and excitement packed into those two words. I walked across the stage to receive my diploma. I kept telling myself to take in the moment because it would have been so easy to just let it all come and go so quickly. It was amazing, though. When I think of everything that has happened in the last two years, it is hard for me to believe that I've come this far. I still have so far to go, but I am celebrating each step along the way.


(Me with my daughter and nieces at my graduation)

We got to celebrate the ending of one year and the beginning of the next. I guess I'm getting old. There are two reasons why I suppose this:
1.) I don't get a thrill out of staying up until midnight to bring in the New Year anymore, and 2.) I get all gushy and sentimental about all the significance of what is taking place before my eyes.

So, I guess it's back to life again: blogging, home-schooling, working, college, ministry,...things that involve waking up before noon.

I think I'm ready for this. Bring on the living of life! Here's to a New Year!!

Four Years

Today was Bethany's fourth birthday. We went to her grave site to leave a little pinwheel. We had to scrape the ice and snow away, but it was nice to remember.

Here's a picture of her grave site without the snow and ice.



That verse is always comforting to me.

Eleven Years and Counting

Here we are. You and me. The same two lovers who pledged our lives to each other with stars in our eyes and big dreams in our hearts.

And while the years have seen some of those dreams come true, these years have also opened our eyes to the reality that marriage takes work, patience, and the kind of love that stays true, no matter what.

Here we are. You and me. Celebrating another year of loving and living and learning. Another year of working to make this life together the best it can be.

And I just want you to know that I believe in us. I believe in our love, and I believe in the strength and the beauty that come from sharing life's joys and weathering its storms...together.

You are my love, and when I pledged my life to you, I said forever...

I still do.

(This was the card I gave Van today for our Anniversary. I couldn't have said it better...I'm so in love with him!)

Nothing Much

Minnesota got a big snowstorm yesterday and today. It took me one hour to drive to school last night (saw 3 cars off the road, two wrecks, and almost got hit twice), only to find out that classes had been canceled (good reason to check my e-mail before I go to school). So, I crashed Van and Allika's date and we had a great time together after a long and stressful day.

I was going to have to work this morning, but don't have to now. We are also canceling small group at our house tonight.

I am still going to my niece's Christmas program this afternoon though. Can't miss that!

Snow is such a gift. It's God's way of slowing my life down just a little.

Confessions of Grumpy Homeschool Mamma

We say a prayer before we start school every morning. Allika thanks God for the day and the nice time that she hasn't had yet, nor is going to have. It's kind of a practice in futility, except I suppose she's learning the discipline of starting her work with prayer.

So, then I pray. I ask God to help me have a good attitude and to help Allika to do her best and work really hard and learn a lot. Another practice in futility. Sigh.

The other day, she told her grandma that she didn't like me teaching her because I always get angry with her every time she makes a mistake. She always makes me look like a saint when it matters most. (There was also the time when she told grandma that I took her money from her, placing her at the poverty level, so could grandma please send her .47 cents.)

Anyway, I could explain here that her idea of anger is my idea of strict enforcement. I could also tell you that she does not have a competitive bone in her body, which is good in some senses, but not when she does not grasp the reason why she should try her hardest at something. Furthermore, I could explain that she gets distracted very easily (huge understatement), which presents a challenge when she is supposed to be writing the word "weed," but, instead, finds the speck of Crystal Lite powder on the table much more fascinating.

Here is an example of a typical conversation during a school session:

Me: Allika, where is the one's place? (This is after Van has extensively gone over this concept with her the previous day.)

Allika: I don't know.

Me: Remember that it is all the way over to the right of a number?

Allika: (Absent-mindedly) Oh.

Me: So where is the one's place?

Allika: All the way over to the right.

Me: (Getting really excited that she finally got it) Good! So which number is in the one's place?

Allika: (Looking at the number 112) The one.

Me: No Allika, which number is all the way over to the right?

Allika: The two.

Me: (Excitedly again) Right! So, which number is in the one's place?

Allika: The one.

Me: (Starting to get somewhat exasperated) No! What is the one's place?

Allika: I forgot.

Me: The number all the way to the right.

Allika: Oh.

Me: So which number is all the way over to the right?

Allika: The two.

Me: So which number is in the one's place?

Allika: The one.

Me: No, Allika. It's the two. (I know my mother would roll over in her grave if she were dead. She is a firm believer in never giving the answer.)

So we go through a similar process with the ten's and hundred's place. Then, I ask her to write the number one-hundred-and-one. She writes it out like this: 1001. I am beyond frustrated at this point.

In the middle of all this, she is spacing out and getting side-tracked by all manner of things that tickle her fancy...like the light switch.

This leads me to what happened a few days ago. We had said our standard prayer before beginning our school day. Allika had thanked God for the great fun she was having and I had asked for patience and a good attitude.

Things began to rapidly deteriorate as I tried to get her to focus on her work, pay attention, do her best, and have a good attitude. (It's somewhat ironic to me when I yell, "You need to have a good attitude, Allika!!!")

In the middle of this loss of control I was displaying, Allika looked up at me and said, "I guess God didn't answer your prayer, Mom."

"Why?"

"Because you asked him for a good attitude and he didn't give it to you."

*Gulp*

"Allika, he did answer my prayer because I don't have a bad attitude. I'm just trying to be strict with you because you need to do your best and pay attention and work hard and have a good attitude."

*Lie*

Well, I've been thinking a lot about that. A lot. A great amount of a lot.

I realized that so many times I have asked God for something and waited for him to make it happen. I forget that sometimes I am the answer to my own prayer. Is God going to sprinkle me with a good attitude just because I ask him? Is God going to send money from heaven to my friend because I prayed that he would help them through these difficult financial times? Is God going to make my marriage better because I've asked him to show my husband the areas he needs to change?

Maybe.

But just as likely, I will have to make choices to control my behavior when I feel like letting all my emotions hang out.

It's possible that I am the one who God will use to bless my friend in a monetary way.

It could be that God wants me to change my faults, fix my attitude, and love my husband unconditionally through all his weaknesses and imperfections in order to enjoy my marriage.

James 2:14-17 says, "What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, 'Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,' but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself if it is not accompanied by action, is dead."

Last night, I asked my daughter what she would change about our family if she could change one thing.

She said it would be me getting grumpy all the time during school.I told her that she was right, and that was going to change immediately.

Today, I let go of all my exasperation and frustration and corrected her kindly. I made a deliberate choice to only respond softly and gently and to walk away for a while if I thought I would lose it.

Her performance went up by 100%.

She said, "This is the specialist day in a long time."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because you're not being so grumpy anymore."

It looks like God answered my prayer after all.