Big Decisions, Part II

Today, we all went to check out the school we are thinking about sending Allika to.

When we pulled into the parking lot we all sat there and prayed together that God would give us wisdom and help us to see what he wanted us to see. We asked that he would open and close doors in an obvious way and that our hearts would be very sensitive to his direction, even if it would involve sacrifices and inconveniences on our part.

I know some of you probably think we're taking this a little too seriously, but I do believe it will have a great effect on Allika's future and the direction of her life.

Van and I got to observe in several of the classes, and Allika got to attend the classes as a guest. She absolutely loved it. She was a little awkward socially (go figure), but was very excited that several of the kids liked her. She did very well academically. She will be put in 2nd grade for reading and the advanced math class. She will finish out the remainder of 1st grade in all her other subjects (science, art, phys.ed., music, geography).

They do teach both creation and evolution. A note is sent home to the parents when evolution is being taught to let them know what aspects are being covered and when. That way, when the kids are at home, the parents can go over exactly what is being taught. They also allow the kids to choose not to participate in those portions of the lessons if it goes against their beliefs to do so.

They do really well at adapting to each individual child's level of learning. They do one-on-one teaching with children who need it. We saw little desks set up all over with a teacher and a student working together on something. In addition, children are put in higher grades if the child is advanced in a particular subject. They also set their classes up with different "stations" of specific aspects of the same subject. The children rotate through stations and learn about a particular subject from various angles. I believe they referred to it as differentiation. It gives students the opportunity to learn according to their particular learning style.

Everything is very hands-on, even in the higher grades. The kids are also encouraged to be a part of some of the decisions regarding the school. They vote for what equipment to buy for the playground (they get votes for different decisions based on how many books they read), they help to build the playground, they clean parts of the school that they have a personal connection to. It gives them a sense of ownership and responsibility.

They value parental involvement and require it, so I am excited to get involved in Allika's school that way. Today, she was asking me and Van to please leave, so I don't know how thrilled she will be to have me there, but oh well. It's part of life.

All our questions and worries were answered very satisfactorily. There just seem to be several indications to go ahead with it that we probably shouldn't ignore. One thing we find very interesting is that we are scheduled to start April 6, and there are over 200 people on the waiting list to get in. How did that happen when we weren't even actively pursuing an education with them? The other thing is that all our reasons for why we wouldn't want to send her to school (which are probably different than most people who home-school) are no longer valid in this situation. When we combine that with some concerns we have had lately about some things that are hard to explain here, we wonder if God isn't preparing the way before us to send her to this school.

The only thing that's really hard for me is not being able to be with her all the time. I know part of parenting is slowly letting go, but this doesn't seem very slow. I love spending time with her and getting to experience life together. I also dreamed of being a home-school mom. It is how I always pictured we would be. I don't like to admit defeat, but I do think this will be better for her in the long run. I know not everyone will understand or agree with our decision, but I also know that they aren't aware of all the details surrounding our decision. They still may not agree even if they were.

Anyway, I think we are leaning toward giving this a try. It is a huge decision. To some of you, it may not seem that way, but for me, it really is difficult.

My Face Is Still Red

I had the most embarrassing moment of my whole entire life this week. I learned two lessons out of my humiliation in the process.

Allow me to share.

(Certain names have been changed to protect the innocent.)

One of the kids I babysit for is usually picked up by his mother, who pays me each time she leaves. Lately, however, his father has been the one to pick him up, and he has not remembered or thought to pay.

I have made comments to Van about the fact that the dad must think the mom is paying me and the mom must think the dad is paying me and neither one will probably ever realize I am not being paid.

Well, the last time the dad came to pick up the boy, my daughter said, "Mom, is it okay if I say this?"

That should have just been my first clue.

"Well, Allika, I don't know what you're going to say, so I can't tell you."

"But, Mom. Is it okay?"

"Is it something I've told you not to say?"

"No."

"Okay, just hurry up and say it."

(The dad was trying to leave and Allika was keeping him there to tell him this comment in question.)

The next ten seconds are ones that I wish I could erase from existence for all time. It happened in slow motion and I stood there wanting to scream and stop her from saying what she said, but it was too late. I couldn't.

Here are those words that shall forever live in infamy:

"My mom keeps on saying that you always bring Joe over, but you never pay her."

I wish I could have stuffed those words right back in her mouth. I stood there, horrified, wishing I could disappear. I didn't know what to say, because what she said was partially true, but I had been misrepresented and misquoted.

So, here are the lessons I learned from this little humiliating event:

1.) If my daughter asks me if it's okay to say something of which I am not aware, the answer is a resounding "NO!"

2.) Do not discuss anything around my daughter that I do not want her to repeat to others.

The thing about it is, the very same day, she walked into the Doctor's office and announced to the receptionist and everyone in the waiting room that her mom was going to cut up all the credit cards, and she was very upset about it because she wanted to keep them for herself.

That wasn't even close to the kind of humiliation the other episode provided me, though.

This makes me wonder what great little tidbits of information regarding our family life she has shared with her Sunday School teachers, doctors, babysitters, etc.

I can't say I was never warned about this stage.

How to Really Love a Child

Be there.

Say yes as often as possible.

Let them bang on pots and pans.

If they're crabby, put them in water.

If they're unlovable, love yourself.

Realize how important it is to be a child.

Go to a movie theatre in your pajamas.

Read books out loud with joy.

Invent pleasures together.

Remember how really small they are.

Giggle a lot.

Surprise them.

Say no when necessary.

Teach feelings.

Heal your own inner child.

Learn about parenting.

Hug trees together.

Make loving safe.

Bake a cake and eat it with no hands.

Go find elephants and kiss them.

Plan to build a rocketship.

Imagine yourself magic.

Make lots of forts with blankets.

Reveal your own dreams.

Search out the positive.

Keep the gleam in your eye.

Mail letters to God.

Encourage silly.

Plant licorice in your garden.

Open up.

Stop yelling.

Express love.

A lot.

Speak kindly.

Paint their tennis shoes.

Handle with caring.

Children are miraculous.

I don't know who wrote this, but I like it. Sometimes I take parenting too seriously. While I know parenting is a serious venture, it doesn't mean I can't smile and have silly, ridiculous fun with my daughter in the process. I want to try to do better at this.

I want my daughter to picture me as always having a smile on my face and a love for life no matter what comes my way.

Seven

My daughter turned 7 on January 29th. I guess seven is the stage where they are sort of caught between wanting to stay a little child and wanting to be an older child. The other day Allika got dressed very carefully and deliberately and then came out and asked me if she looked like a teenager. It kind of bothered me. I didn't like it that she was growing up. I didn't want her thinking about fashion and looking older than she is. She is supposed to be my little girl.

A short time later though, she was bumping elbows with a puppet and catching her wiggles in her hands to tie them up and put them in her pocket. Back to her old self.

I know growing up can be a little difficult on her, too. There is such a hard-to-find balance between being too little and being too grown-up. She pushes me away so that she can be independent, and then, calls me back because she needs me again.

I guess this is what the next several years will be: me watching her grow up too fast and trying desperately to slow things down, but all the while, knowing this is the way it's supposed to be and hoping and trusting that, by the grace of God, we have given her the tools she needs to go to the next level of life.

(Whew! What a nice, long, emotional run-on sentence that was!)

(Now, on to things a few feet closer to the surface.)

We had a little party at the Nature Center with some of her friends and family. My brother and his family came up from Centerville, IA to help us celebrate. It was very nice getting to see them and knowing that they had come so far to be with us. My sister and her family were also there, along with several good friends. It was so much fun.

We did an animal theme, so I had the kids do a little "animal hunt" where they found all the animals I had hidden. For prizes, I went to Half-Price Books (love that store!) and bought a bunch of brand new children's books about animals for .50 cents each. They were all different, and the kids loved picking out which one they wanted.

Allika made brownies for her birthday cake. I decorated it with my sweet decorating skills (ha ha).

The Nature Center did a presentation on the different adaptations of amphibians and reptiles and then brought out several different animals for the kids to touch and hold and learn about.

I think everybody had a lot of fun, and Allika got some really neat projects and things that she has been enjoying.


(The sign that greeted us as we walked into the room)


(Allika and several of her friends, waiting for the festivities to begin)


(Allika and her cousin, Tea, dressing up as reptiles and amphibians to show their different adaptations)


(The kids, observing a snake)

In the next few days, I will be sharing about what she bought with all her birthday money. Joy of joys!

In Loving Memory of Susan Kennedy Brande

Here is the eulogy that my mother wrote and read at my grandmother's funeral. I am so amazed by this wonderful lady and the legacy she left behind.

Mom, Mimi, Aunt Suzi, Suzi, Mrs. Brande: A woman who would not have wanted a eulogy, but we have come to celebrate her live & celebrate I shall.

She lived well & loved well to the max.Even at the end of her life, her mind was full of the things she had lived for - her husband, her children, her home and her garden& her travels. Her memories were sweet because she was a kind, sweet woman.
Mom never had a harsh word for, or about, anyone - even one of us. She was such a
positive, upbeat lady. From a teenager's perspective, I thought she allowed herself to be used as a doormat. She always shrugged her shoulders & said she preferred it that way. I just couldn't understand that. But she did it for the love of peace & contentment.

And I think of the 3 meals per day that she cooked for 8-10 hungry mouths (never did she send out for pizza or Chinese); all the whole wheat bread she made (6 loaves a week); all the homemade yogurt (4-8 quarts per week); homemade power drink every morning for breakfast with brewer's yeast, fresh milk, vanilla, honey , or molasses - that we kids had to eat because Dad said so. Do any of the rest of you consider these all as “comfort foods” now, as I do?

The things she did for Dad - (incomplete) besides cooking all those natural foods - attending monthly VNFFA meetings, attending weekly Small Holders' breakfasts, milking, haying, moving cattle, running farm errands.

The things she did for us kids - her biggest thing for us was making sure we all got to our activities that she wanted us involved in & riding lessons, piano lessons, 4-H, Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, violin & cello lessons, ballet lessons, after-school activities, theater activities, soccer, hockey, & she joined us for rousing games of football, baseball, soccer, & ice hockey in our backyard. She was an
incredible athlete! And remember the woolen ski socks, hats & mittens she would knit for us? And they were not “have to” items. She could have bought them, but she wanted to knit. Where did she find the time for this? And she even took a quick nap in the afternoon. She'd sit on the couch & doze off in the midst of us kids & our eternal chaos. But, of course! She had been to bed late, risen with a troubled child or 2 in the night & then gotten up early. Good thing she could fall asleep at anytime and any place!

And the incredible, un -trumpeted things she did for this community:
1. Girl Scouts
2. Smith Sales
3. The Middlebury Food Coop
4. Making & delivering soup to shut-ins
5. Court diversion for 1sst-time offenders
6. Assisting refugees at assimilating into community
7. Crop Walk assistant
8. ACCAG - Add. Cty. Community Action Grp.
9. Sheldon Museum docent
10. Cornwall school Board
11. School bus driving - “Mom, you've raised all these
kids, & now you choose to drive school bus!”

Mom gave so much of herself to us (her family) & to her community. We have so much to celebrate. I praise God for this mother & friend of ours.



I have some big shoes to fill, following in the footsteps of such hard-working, sacrificial, and life-embracing women.

Poor Girl

I have this problem with people thinking I have taken their stuff when I haven't.

One time, this lady I know came up to me and asked me for her old black-and-white family heirloom picture back. She said she had loaned it to me for a project I was doing on period costume. I was stunned. I did not have her picture nor was I doing a project on period costume. When I informed her of these facts, she was insistent that I indeed had borrowed her picture and she needed it back because it was very important to her. What was I to do? I couldn't produce her precious picture, and she was not happy with me about it. It wasn't until later that she remembered it was someone else she had loaned it to.

Another time, I got a call from a friend of mine who wanted to use the Halloween costume she had loaned me for my daughter. I was at a loss because she had not loaned me a Halloween costume. She was so sure she had that I began to doubt myself and started digging through all of Allika's clothes looking for a bumblebee costume. I was relieved when I got the call that my friend remembered it was her sister-in-law she had loaned it to - not me.

Still another time, I returned a bowl and lid in which someone had given me some food. A few weeks later she asked me if I still had the lid to her bowl because it was one of her favorites and she would really like to have it back. I was horrified because I knew for a fact I did not have it, but there was no way to prove that. Fortunately, she did find her lid tucked away somewhere a few days later.

And do you all remember the incidence with the academic adviser, who believed me to have the schedule that I never received from her and proceeded to make it very difficult for me to get another one? I guess that's kind of a different category, but I'm still a little sore about it.

I actually have a few more stories along these same lines, but I'm sure you are getting the picture.

I don't know if this phenomenon happens to anyone else, and if it does, whether it bothers you, but I can attest to the fact that it causes me great stress and discomfort. I do not like people thinking that I am deliberately or irresponsibly keeping something of theirs that I never had in the first place.

I have thought about a policy of never being in possession of anyone's property. That way when someone accuses me of having kept their valued possessions, I can simply say, "That couldn't possibly be me. I have a "anti-other people's property policy." The only problem with that solution is that it doesn't work. You cannot exist on this earth and never borrow anything, have a loan thrust upon you by some well-meaning friend, or somehow come in contact with another person's stuff.

I guess, technically, you could if you wanted to be really mean and grouchy to everyone, but I don't. Thus, I came to the conclusion that I shall valiantly suffer this burden of being falsely accused of keeping one's heirlooms and the like. I will smile, try to reason with them, and endure their anger with me.

This was until yesterday, that is.

My daughter and I made the twelve-hour trip to Oklahoma this weekend to attend a friend's wedding in which my daughter was a flower girl. It was a lot of fun to see old friends and visit a little bit. I just wish we could have gotten to spend more time with people. That's just not possible when there is so much going on during wedding preparations and all. I enjoyed the little bit of time I got, though.

What does this have to do with the pocketing of people's possessions policy (PPPP)? I am about to tell you.

My daughter was an absolute angel for the whole trip. I couldn't have asked for a better traveling buddy. She was nigh unto perfect. I say "nigh" because there were no issues the whole way down and all the way back until we got a little way from home. It was then that we had our first incident, and would you like to know what it was about?

She had been listening to her Ramona books on tape (which I secretly enjoy, as well). Instead of putting them back in the tape case, however, she was tossing them around the car and getting the next tape out to listen to(not in order, mind you, much to my chagrin). Finally, I insisted that she give me all her tapes strewn around the back seat, and I put them back in their cases. I distinctly remember that their was one tape slot which remained empty because I had not been given the appropriate tape for that slot. This is a very important piece of information.

A short time later, Allika said, "Mom, why did you lose my Romona the Brave tape?"

"I didn't."

"Yes, you did. I gave it to you, and you lost it."

Then, something happened that I cannot explain. It was like all the emotions and feelings came tumbling out which had been bottled up inside of me for all those years of being accused of keeping something I had never had. It was both an extremely traumatic and healing moment for me.

"I did not, Allika, and don't accuse me of losing a tape that you lost because you didn't put it away."

"No, I gave it to you. I know I gave it to you."

This is about the time that I snapped and became overly emotional about the whole situation. "How on earth do you think you can know that you gave me that tape? Did you read every single one of those tapes before you gave them to me? I'm the one who knows what tapes you gave me, and you did not give me that tape. Now, you better sit there and be quiet and don't talk about it again or I'm going to take every single one of your tapes away, and you won't get to listen to anything!!!"

Silence ensued.

So, I figure it was a great trip other than that one little psychotic display by this very delusional mother.

My poor daughter is stuck with me for a long time. Bless her heart.

My Mother

Last week was my mom's 60th birthday. She got to celebrate it by being admitted to the hospital and having a hemo dialysis shunt put in to take over her peritoneal dialysis. It had not been functioning properly, causing her to be sick and her body to fill up with fluid.

I really wish I could have been there on Sunday when my sister threw a tea party for her in the little clearing in the woods behind the trailer where she lives. She arrived to be surprised by a handful of friends singing "Happy Birthday" to her and started crying. She sat down in the recliner which had been provided for her and rested while my sister read a few memories that had been written for her by friends and family from all over the country. She cried again when her friend said a prayer thanking God for her life. She laughed and reminisced at photos of her from different stages in her life.

As small and simple as it all was, she told me later that it was more than she deserved.

It almost makes me cry just writing those words because if you knew my mom, you would know she deserved it and ever so much more. Her humility in that statement is just a small part of her beauty.

I thought I would write 60 things about my mom to celebrate the 60 years of a beautiful life lived.

My mom...
1.) Is intelligent.
2.) Is a fighter.
3.) Is content in whatever circumstance she's in.
4.) Made a life-changing decision about 35 years ago to follow Jesus wherever He leads her and has never looked back.
5.) Is not perfect and has never pretended to be.
6.) Is strong.
7.) Has sacrificed everything for her family.
8.) Is humble.
9.) Is a hard-worker.
10.)Does not gossip.
11.)Has NEVER interfered with my life or my family since I left home and got married.
12.)Is underestimated.
13.)Home-schooled five kids through high-school graduation.
14.)Is simple.
15.)Used to be a hippie.
16.)Is a trail-blazing, mold-breaking pioneer.
17.)Is named after her grandmother (Dorothea Brande) who was a well-known author.
18.)Was a preacher's wife for twenty-five years.
19.)Is a teacher.
20.)Writes beautiful commentaries all over her Bibles which I love to inherit when she has to get a new one.
21.)Has had one kidney transplant and is waiting for another one.
22.)NEVER complains about her health and actually tries to minimize it to people.
23.)Is not materialistic in any way (she is very hard to buy gifts for).
24.)Has been known to have complete break-downs while raising us kids, from which we have gathered many embarrassing stories and like to tell them every now and then.
25.)Tries to believe the best about people and forgives even when she has been mistreated and slighted.
26.)Opened her home to many troubled people over the years.
27.)Is a self-proclaimed bad cook (but I actually miss some of her dishes now that I'm gone).
28.)Is open-minded and willing to listen to others.
29.)Is the oldest of eight children.
30.)Hitch-hiked across Europe for two years.
31.)Loves to sing alto at the top of her lungs.
32.)Has been married to my father for 36 years.
33.)Used phrases such as "That's the way the cookie crumbles," "It's as fair as elephant's knees," and "Because I'm mean, old, ugly, and bald-headed" whenever we children complained about some perceived slight or unfairness in her dealings with us.
34.)Had one daughter, Gwendolyn Lareau Pratt, die when she was four days old.
35.)Grew up on a farm.
36.)Has ten living grandchildren and is a wonderful grandmother to all of them.
37.)Let us dress ourselves from the time we were little kids and never made us change no matter how mismatched and unsightly we looked.
38.)Plays the piano and taught us girls how to play.
39.)NEVER gave the answer, but made us look for it until we found it.
40.)Made my husband ask her permission every day before he could come pick me up from work while we were dating.
42.)Was always known as "Justin's daughter" growing up.
43.)Was always known as "Jessica's or Tanager's or Corinne's or Andrew's or Danielle's mom" when she grew up.
44.)Has never been vain a day in her life and is annoyed by primping and prissiness.
45.)Loves museums and took us to every free one within a 200 mile radius when we were growing up.
46.)Got up at 5:00 every morning to help me and my sister deliver newspapers for years.
47.)Is very frugal.
48.)Is practical.
49.)Loves and cares for people no matter their status.
50.)Wants "Big House" by Audio Adrenaline played at her funeral.
51.)Can speak German, Spanish, French, and English.
52.)Plays the cello.
53.)Had a horse that she loved to ride when she was growing up.
54.)Was on the ski team in school.
55.)Learned to roller skate in her forties (and broke her arm doing so).
56.)Learned to knit an afghan during her first round of hemo dialysis 12 years ago.
57.)Made us buy everything we needed growing up and never gave us money; we always had to earn it.
58.)Brought us kids to the nursing homes to sing for the elderly people when we were little kids until we were older.
59.)Was my doula for the birth of my first daughter.
60.)Is my hero and inspiration.

Happy Birthday, Mom! I love you!