If Only Everything Were Always Ideal...

They offered me a job working in the kitchen three days a week at Allika's school. It's pretty much the same thing I was doing before on a volunteer basis, but I get paid for it now. I thought that was pretty cool.

I've already been able to be there when she's experienced a difficult situation or had something exciting to show me. That makes me feel good.

She's learning a lot of social lessons that have been very good for her and us both. She's learning how to treat the fat boy in her class that everyone else thinks is full of germs. She's learning how to be friends with the little girl who doesn't have any other friends and sometimes thinks that even Allika doesn't want to be her friend. She's had to set boundaries when some of the kids have been mean to her. She was able to handle a difficult situation by confronting it in a respectful way and getting her teacher involved. She has had to face fears and learn that everything doesn't always turn out as badly as she thinks it will. We have had to work with her and guide her through learning how to handle some of these situations, so I think we have been learning some new parenting skills, as well.

I am so proud of her! I think she is learning so many life lessons that will be extremely valuable to her as she grows up and has to deal with some of the same situations, but on a larger scale and in an uncontrolled environment.

I'm not sure that she would have been provided with the same scenarios by just staying at home with Van and me. She does have neighborhood friends, church friends, and other home-educated friends, but even in those environments, she would not be faced with the same kind of situations as she has been at school. Plus, her contact with those people is much more limited.

There are still so many things I prefer about home-schooling. When I think of going back to it, however, I see that there are a lot of really great things I would be giving up at her school. I am coming to realize that there are pros and cons to each option, but I can't have the best of both worlds. I don't know, maybe there's something out there that does offer that option. That would be ideal.

Until I find it, though, I am slowly coming to terms with this new transition in our lives. It has been good in many ways. We will continue to see how it goes through the summer.

Sorry

Okay. So, I have about 15 minutes, and I owe it to you guys to post something because life has been so full lately, and I love it, but it means a lot less time to keep in touch with all of you...which I don't love.

Anyway, the last two weekends we had out-of-town company. It was so much fun and made us feel so special that they would come just to see us. We went to see the Dead Sea Scroll exhibit at the Science Museum of Minnesota. Awesome, people! Remember how I told you that I'm the one who races through exhibits at top speed while Van has to absorb every inch of them? Well, not this time. I was just enthralled with the thing. It was so worth the time and money to see it. In fact, I would love to do a detailed post just on that. But it's doubtful.

We also went to the Festival of Nations with our company. That is such a neat experience. They have all the different ethnic foods, music, dancing, and crafts. I always have to get the bread pudding and chicken curry from Nepal, the gyros from Greece, and the wantons from China. We all got different things and were sampling each other's food. It was so much fun.

Another thing we did was go see the Minnesota Orchestra play Vivaldi's Four Seasons. It was a special free concert funded by Target. They had this 15-year-old violinist. He was out-of-this-world amazing. They also played Summertime by Gershwin in this very cool jazz arrangement. Outstanding! It went by so quickly and the kids were just sitting on the edge of their seats, soaking it in. It was so neat watching Allika, because she was absolutely entranced by it all. There were sometimes when we would look over and she would be conducting the orchestra herself or pretending to play various instruments.

Speaking of Allika, she's doing so well in school. I really need to update you guys on that...and so much more, but I've got to go now. I really hope I can be on here more frequently. Thanks for being patient with me while my life goes in a million directions.

Thanks To My Husband...

...here is a glimpse of some of our experiences over the last two weeks.


Allika, at the zoo with her friends, Skyelynn and Morgan


Sitting on a turtle






An Easter egg hunt in our backyard with Allika, Tea, Avery, Joy, and Kenny


First day of school


Trip to Duluth: Allika, throwing rocks into Lake Superior






Allika and Van at Lake Superior


Allika, chasing sea gulls


View from Enger Tower


Enger Tower


Climbing down from Enger Tower


View from the ledge


Silly People


Allika, at her first Art Fair...can you tell she didn't want her picture taken?


Allika, in front of her locker








Allika, having fun at her school playground

It's Been A While

Wow! How long has it been since I blogged last? Two weeks? Life is kind of zooming along, and I'm sort of just holding on for dear life until I get adjusted enough to be able to seat myself and take in the scenery. Plus, I was wanting to include pictures of some of the stuff we've been doing lately, and...I have a confession to make. Anything that involves more than typing and hitting the submit button lands in my technologically-skilled husband's "to do" box, which is quite full at the moment. Therefore, there will probably be no pictures for a while, which saddens my heart immensely.

Where to begin?

Allika has officially started week #2 of her new school. I am withholding my opinion until we get a little further along, and I can be a little less emotional in my assessment.

As far as Allika is concerned, she absolutely loves it. She has already learned a lot about being friends and the difference between true friends and lousy friends. Her tooth chipped off (again) last week, and she was so petrified of going to school with a broken tooth. She thought no on would want to be her friend and everyone would laugh at her and make fun of her. I told her that if someone wasn't going to be her friend because she had a broken tooth, they weren't her true friend anyway. Well, by the end of the day, she was so excited because she had found a true friend in Annie. Now, whenever we talk about Annie, Allika is sure to mention, "And Annie's a true friend, too."

The only negative thing she does say is that she is so tired by the end of the day. I can see the exhaustion on her face and in her actions. I have been told that for the first month it will be that way. Of course, this causes my emotional mother instincts to revolt and cry out against the injustice of seven-year-old children going to school thirty-five hours a week. Surely, no one else has ever successfully raised children with those kind of school hours.

There is a constant battle going on inside of myself, trying to stay alert and cautious, recognizing the need to slowly let the string out a little more while still holding on to it, distinguishing between my own happiness and what is best for my daughter, deciding what are healthy intuitions that need to be heeded and what are anxious emotions into which the truth needs to be spoken.

I have started volunteering in the kitchen three days a week. I was going to start helping in the classroom today, but I have a little cold and am still waiting on my background check. I have met many wonderful parents, teachers, and students and do feel like God has me there for a reason. I am already scheduled to get together with one mother who wants to discuss the adoption process with me. I have also been able to talk with a mom who has experienced tremendous loss.

I was so happy to hear Allika say to her friends, "Oh look! That's my mom! Hi Mom!" She was so excited to see me there. Then, she asked if I could be the teacher in her classroom. That gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling.

Unfortunately, she wasn't as excited for her friends to see her dad. That is something we have just run into, and it is breaking my heart. We are trying to figure out how to handle the situation the best way. He has struggled with weight all his life, and I think she is realizing that he is bigger than other kids' dads are and it is starting to embarrass her. She loves her daddy so much, and he is the best kind of daddy any girl could ever want, and I'm not just saying that.

Anyway, just another teaching lesson in the journey of parenting.

There is so much I want to tell you all about. The last two weeks have been jam-packed with activity and blog-worthy events. I think I have written enough for now, though. I will try to do a better job of keeping up, but I can make no promises.

Changes

As you can see, I've been making a few changes to my blog. Nothing much, but I like it. I am really technologically challenged, so changes will probably be slow over the life-time of my blog.

Another change to report is that we have officially decided to send Allika to the new school. She will start next Tuesday. We went out and got her uniforms. She is so excited about wearing those. More power to ya, kiddo.

I have been in somewhat of a depression over the whole thing. My mom finally got it. She said, "You feel like you're losing your job." It was so nice to talk to her about it and know she understood. I feel this emptiness when I think about having 35 hours a week without her. I know it isn't going to be that drastic because I will be volunteering at her school part of that time, but it still will be a different kind of interaction with her.

I also feel sad when I think of leaving the whole "home-schooling culture." It definitely is a sub-culture, a different way of thinking, and a way of life. It is kind of like leaving one religion for a different one. Yes, that is a dramatic way of putting it, but that is how I roll. I just have to keep being honest with my feelings and emotions over this.

There are these really militant home-educators who will not let me off very easily. But there were also these really militant public educators who gave me a hard time when we decided to home-school. It just goes to show you that child-rearing decisions are very personal and must be made by the parents, with the child's best interest in mind.

I am so scared of bullies, perverts, and anything that might hurt my daughter. We are trying this over the summer (because they have school year-round), and you better believe that if something doesn't seem quite right, we will resume home-schooling or another alternative in a heart-beat. I know I am very intense and high-strung about this, but education is a very formative part of a child's development. Of course, I'm studying that part of development in college right now, and it's scaring the snot out of me. I cannot take it too lightly.

We already decided not to let her take the bus because it was an extra TWO HOURS (!!!!!!!) every day just riding the stinkin' bus! That's forty-five hours a week of her being gone. No way. She's only seven for crying out loud!! Those are adult working hours! It will mean an extra forty miles of driving a day, but it's worth it to spend some quality time with her in the mornings on her way to school and discussing her day after we pick her up.

We will see where God takes us. For now, we are taking this huge step ever so gingerly. We don't know what he is doing, but he is doing something, and we will trust him with the outcome.

Okay, onto something else I wanted to share with you all. I got the reports back from my blood tests and ultra sound, and I am still doing great! The thyroglobulins (of which you ideally want to have none) were not undetectable, but they were really low, so they will just keep an eye on them.

When I went in to get my ultra-sound, the lady told me that it is not uncommon to find more lymph nodes, so I got kind of nervous. Then, she started clicking away on her keyboard and measuring and holding the ultra-sound head in one spot for a really long time. So, of course, I was thinking, "Great! She found another one! You've got to be kidding me! I don't want to go through this all over again!"

Well, we got all done, and she said I could go. Just like that. I looked at her and asked if I needed to talk to the doctor or anything. She said that she hadn't found anything to bring to the doc's attention, so I was good to go. Phew!! That little scare there made the relief even more palpable when I got the good news.

Thank you, God, for another six months of good health!

Big Decisions, Part II

Today, we all went to check out the school we are thinking about sending Allika to.

When we pulled into the parking lot we all sat there and prayed together that God would give us wisdom and help us to see what he wanted us to see. We asked that he would open and close doors in an obvious way and that our hearts would be very sensitive to his direction, even if it would involve sacrifices and inconveniences on our part.

I know some of you probably think we're taking this a little too seriously, but I do believe it will have a great effect on Allika's future and the direction of her life.

Van and I got to observe in several of the classes, and Allika got to attend the classes as a guest. She absolutely loved it. She was a little awkward socially (go figure), but was very excited that several of the kids liked her. She did very well academically. She will be put in 2nd grade for reading and the advanced math class. She will finish out the remainder of 1st grade in all her other subjects (science, art, phys.ed., music, geography).

They do teach both creation and evolution. A note is sent home to the parents when evolution is being taught to let them know what aspects are being covered and when. That way, when the kids are at home, the parents can go over exactly what is being taught. They also allow the kids to choose not to participate in those portions of the lessons if it goes against their beliefs to do so.

They do really well at adapting to each individual child's level of learning. They do one-on-one teaching with children who need it. We saw little desks set up all over with a teacher and a student working together on something. In addition, children are put in higher grades if the child is advanced in a particular subject. They also set their classes up with different "stations" of specific aspects of the same subject. The children rotate through stations and learn about a particular subject from various angles. I believe they referred to it as differentiation. It gives students the opportunity to learn according to their particular learning style.

Everything is very hands-on, even in the higher grades. The kids are also encouraged to be a part of some of the decisions regarding the school. They vote for what equipment to buy for the playground (they get votes for different decisions based on how many books they read), they help to build the playground, they clean parts of the school that they have a personal connection to. It gives them a sense of ownership and responsibility.

They value parental involvement and require it, so I am excited to get involved in Allika's school that way. Today, she was asking me and Van to please leave, so I don't know how thrilled she will be to have me there, but oh well. It's part of life.

All our questions and worries were answered very satisfactorily. There just seem to be several indications to go ahead with it that we probably shouldn't ignore. One thing we find very interesting is that we are scheduled to start April 6, and there are over 200 people on the waiting list to get in. How did that happen when we weren't even actively pursuing an education with them? The other thing is that all our reasons for why we wouldn't want to send her to school (which are probably different than most people who home-school) are no longer valid in this situation. When we combine that with some concerns we have had lately about some things that are hard to explain here, we wonder if God isn't preparing the way before us to send her to this school.

The only thing that's really hard for me is not being able to be with her all the time. I know part of parenting is slowly letting go, but this doesn't seem very slow. I love spending time with her and getting to experience life together. I also dreamed of being a home-school mom. It is how I always pictured we would be. I don't like to admit defeat, but I do think this will be better for her in the long run. I know not everyone will understand or agree with our decision, but I also know that they aren't aware of all the details surrounding our decision. They still may not agree even if they were.

Anyway, I think we are leaning toward giving this a try. It is a huge decision. To some of you, it may not seem that way, but for me, it really is difficult.

Big Decisions, Part I

We have been presented with an interesting situation. It is one that we were not actively seeking out, nor did we see coming.

It has happened so quickly that I am not sure what to think about it.

We got a call from a friend this week whose children were accepted into a very nice charter school that is really hard to get into. There are long waiting lists and they do a lottery to choose new families.

She informed us that they had one opening for 1st grade. So, Van gave them a call and, sure enough, they just needed to do a placement test and get our registration form, and we would be all set to start April 6th.

Just to give you a little background - we had looked into this school several years ago and were really impressed with it. They have school year-round which helps the students retain more of what they learn and gives really nice breaks all year long (one complete week or more off per month on average). They also get one month off in the summer, so they don't have to be in school the whole time all their friends are out for Summer Break. They adapt the style of learning to each individual student because they understand that not all students learn in the same way. Parental involvement is mandatory; you are required to volunteer a certain amount of hours each week. Art and science are the emphasis, although they teach all subjects from a classical curriculum (you can google what that means because that is almost a whole other post). We have been informed that they teach both creation and evolution (we haven't verified that yet, but we will), which is what we plan on doing in home-schooling in order to help her form a very intentional and studied-out worldview.

Another thing we like is that a large majority of the students there were formerly home-educated and are part of families who have a lot of the same moral standards and beliefs that we have. I know that doesn't necessarily mean anything because those kids can sometimes be the worst ones when they are given a little freedom, but sometimes it ends up being the other way around instead.

Anyway, for various reasons, we did not end up sending her there.

And now we are faced with this very sudden decision.

We are rather conflicted about it. Home-schooling has started to feel more comfortable, and yet, there are still some issues involved.

Allika has a hard time interacting with and relating to children her own age. She is an only child and also experienced some minor "bullying" issues in the Montessori school she was in previous to home-schooling. These factors cause her to relate extremely well to adults, but shy away from forming new relationships with children her age.

I am well aware of all the talking points home-schoolers use regarding socialization. I was home-schooled growing up and, obviously, home-school my own daughter. I understand that home-schooling itself does not cause socialization problems for children later on in life. However, I do believe that there may be other issues that could potentially hold a child back socially, and I am not sure if Allika experiences those issues or not.

(By the way, there are several things involved which I can't really share on this blog at this point. I guess that seems kind of unfair to those of you reading my blog and trying to understand our dilemma.)

Her counselor has told me that I wear too many hats in my relationship with her because I am, of course, her mother, but I also have to take on the roles of friend, sibling, and teacher. If you will remember a while back, I posted about some of the difficulties being her teacher has added to our relationship. She has advised that allowing someone else to fill the role of teacher would free me up to be her mother and friend.

Having said all that, I have gotten to a place where I think home-schooling is working better for us. We are approaching the end of our first year, and I am looking forward to beginning our second year in the Fall. I love getting to teach her things, although it hasn't been as "Little House on the Prairie-ish" as I had originally envisioned. Having her home with me is wonderful, and I will certainly miss her during those thirty-five hours a week that she will be gone. I ask myself if that is a valid reason to keep her home with me or just my controlling nature.

Here in the cities there are so many opportunities for home-schoolers that I never had growing up. There are excellent drama clubs, speech clubs, debate teams, competitive sports, and so many other options for kids who are taught at home. I have joined a really great and supportive home-school coop and will be able to put Allika in various classes one day a week next year.

Furthermore, our community offers many wonderful learning opportunities at very affordable prices.

All of these should provide Allika with plenty of chances to socialize and learn from someone besides me.

But not on a daily basis.

And she is still an only child.

And I would be deeply involved with her education if it were out of the home.

And they would capitalize on her strengths, which happen to be my weaknesses (art and science).

And I could go on and on with the dilemma we find ourselves faced with.

So, we wonder - is God plopping this in our laps because it would be a beneficial change? Or is God using this difficult choice to cement our decision to home-school our daughter?

We still have a meeting with them to test Allika and observe several classes. There are still doors God can swing wide open or slam completely shut. I wish he always worked that way. But sometimes he doesn't make it very obvious, and we don't feel his definite leading until years later when we can clearly see why we were supposed to do one thing over another.

In the meantime, we will keep asking for wisdom.

My Face Is Still Red

I had the most embarrassing moment of my whole entire life this week. I learned two lessons out of my humiliation in the process.

Allow me to share.

(Certain names have been changed to protect the innocent.)

One of the kids I babysit for is usually picked up by his mother, who pays me each time she leaves. Lately, however, his father has been the one to pick him up, and he has not remembered or thought to pay.

I have made comments to Van about the fact that the dad must think the mom is paying me and the mom must think the dad is paying me and neither one will probably ever realize I am not being paid.

Well, the last time the dad came to pick up the boy, my daughter said, "Mom, is it okay if I say this?"

That should have just been my first clue.

"Well, Allika, I don't know what you're going to say, so I can't tell you."

"But, Mom. Is it okay?"

"Is it something I've told you not to say?"

"No."

"Okay, just hurry up and say it."

(The dad was trying to leave and Allika was keeping him there to tell him this comment in question.)

The next ten seconds are ones that I wish I could erase from existence for all time. It happened in slow motion and I stood there wanting to scream and stop her from saying what she said, but it was too late. I couldn't.

Here are those words that shall forever live in infamy:

"My mom keeps on saying that you always bring Joe over, but you never pay her."

I wish I could have stuffed those words right back in her mouth. I stood there, horrified, wishing I could disappear. I didn't know what to say, because what she said was partially true, but I had been misrepresented and misquoted.

So, here are the lessons I learned from this little humiliating event:

1.) If my daughter asks me if it's okay to say something of which I am not aware, the answer is a resounding "NO!"

2.) Do not discuss anything around my daughter that I do not want her to repeat to others.

The thing about it is, the very same day, she walked into the Doctor's office and announced to the receptionist and everyone in the waiting room that her mom was going to cut up all the credit cards, and she was very upset about it because she wanted to keep them for herself.

That wasn't even close to the kind of humiliation the other episode provided me, though.

This makes me wonder what great little tidbits of information regarding our family life she has shared with her Sunday School teachers, doctors, babysitters, etc.

I can't say I was never warned about this stage.

Seven

My daughter turned 7 on January 29th. I guess seven is the stage where they are sort of caught between wanting to stay a little child and wanting to be an older child. The other day Allika got dressed very carefully and deliberately and then came out and asked me if she looked like a teenager. It kind of bothered me. I didn't like it that she was growing up. I didn't want her thinking about fashion and looking older than she is. She is supposed to be my little girl.

A short time later though, she was bumping elbows with a puppet and catching her wiggles in her hands to tie them up and put them in her pocket. Back to her old self.

I know growing up can be a little difficult on her, too. There is such a hard-to-find balance between being too little and being too grown-up. She pushes me away so that she can be independent, and then, calls me back because she needs me again.

I guess this is what the next several years will be: me watching her grow up too fast and trying desperately to slow things down, but all the while, knowing this is the way it's supposed to be and hoping and trusting that, by the grace of God, we have given her the tools she needs to go to the next level of life.

(Whew! What a nice, long, emotional run-on sentence that was!)

(Now, on to things a few feet closer to the surface.)

We had a little party at the Nature Center with some of her friends and family. My brother and his family came up from Centerville, IA to help us celebrate. It was very nice getting to see them and knowing that they had come so far to be with us. My sister and her family were also there, along with several good friends. It was so much fun.

We did an animal theme, so I had the kids do a little "animal hunt" where they found all the animals I had hidden. For prizes, I went to Half-Price Books (love that store!) and bought a bunch of brand new children's books about animals for .50 cents each. They were all different, and the kids loved picking out which one they wanted.

Allika made brownies for her birthday cake. I decorated it with my sweet decorating skills (ha ha).

The Nature Center did a presentation on the different adaptations of amphibians and reptiles and then brought out several different animals for the kids to touch and hold and learn about.

I think everybody had a lot of fun, and Allika got some really neat projects and things that she has been enjoying.


(The sign that greeted us as we walked into the room)


(Allika and several of her friends, waiting for the festivities to begin)


(Allika and her cousin, Tea, dressing up as reptiles and amphibians to show their different adaptations)


(The kids, observing a snake)

In the next few days, I will be sharing about what she bought with all her birthday money. Joy of joys!

Life in the Form of a List

Here are some of the things that have been going on in the last couple of weeks. I am not guaranteeing the intrigue of any of them. This is just our life on the surface.

1.)Three birthday parties and one baby shower in 2 weeks. One of them is Allika's, so I have to do a little planning and organizing for that. I'm not going to do a ton because I tried the whole "do-it-yourself" party last year, and it was quite the disaster. Instead, we are having it at the Nature Center and letting them do most of the entertaining.

2.)Taking Allika to a variety of fun, learning experiences. Some of the ones I can remember right now off the top of my head are the physics circus, story time at the library, and tomorrow night I will be taking her to the Children's Theatre to see Mr. McGee and the Biting Flea. A friend gave us tickets for our birthdays. Sounds like fun.


(One of the demonstrations at the Physics Circus. They did a lot of really great science experiments on a level that would help kids want to learn more.)

3.)Learning that the friend I told you about earlier who had lung cancer has another malignant tumor in her lung. It is inoperable since it is close to some major arteries. She will have to undergo chemo and radiation. These are the times in my life when I feel so helpless and inadequate. I want so badly to say and do the right things, but I don't know what they are.

4.)Getting really, really sick for about a week. I went to the doctor, and they said it was a virus. It really wiped me out for a while there. I kept running a fever off and on and couldn't swallow because it hurt so badly, even when I took an ibuprofen.

5.)Pretending to work on my homework for my classes which start February 1st. I'm excited to be learning the things I actually went to school to learn and not all the general stuff that isn't as fascinating to me.

6.)Having my thyroid medication increased for the third time since my thyroidectomy. It still isn't as high as it's supposed to be. I will have it tested again in 5 weeks. I would like to think my low thyroid levels might be to blame for the 10 pounds I've gained, but I'm sure it really has something to do with the holidays and my sick love of chocolate.

7.)Cheering on the Vikings as they get closer and closer to the Super Bowl. I'm really not a huge football person. In fact, I have always made fun of my husband for his allegiance to a team that couldn't care less whether or not he existed. This year, however, I kind of got caught up in the spirit. I'll go back to my ridiculing ways soon enough, but in the meantime, I'm enjoying the excitement while it lasts.

Skol Vikings!!

Confessions of Grumpy Homeschool Mamma

We say a prayer before we start school every morning. Allika thanks God for the day and the nice time that she hasn't had yet, nor is going to have. It's kind of a practice in futility, except I suppose she's learning the discipline of starting her work with prayer.

So, then I pray. I ask God to help me have a good attitude and to help Allika to do her best and work really hard and learn a lot. Another practice in futility. Sigh.

The other day, she told her grandma that she didn't like me teaching her because I always get angry with her every time she makes a mistake. She always makes me look like a saint when it matters most. (There was also the time when she told grandma that I took her money from her, placing her at the poverty level, so could grandma please send her .47 cents.)

Anyway, I could explain here that her idea of anger is my idea of strict enforcement. I could also tell you that she does not have a competitive bone in her body, which is good in some senses, but not when she does not grasp the reason why she should try her hardest at something. Furthermore, I could explain that she gets distracted very easily (huge understatement), which presents a challenge when she is supposed to be writing the word "weed," but, instead, finds the speck of Crystal Lite powder on the table much more fascinating.

Here is an example of a typical conversation during a school session:

Me: Allika, where is the one's place? (This is after Van has extensively gone over this concept with her the previous day.)

Allika: I don't know.

Me: Remember that it is all the way over to the right of a number?

Allika: (Absent-mindedly) Oh.

Me: So where is the one's place?

Allika: All the way over to the right.

Me: (Getting really excited that she finally got it) Good! So which number is in the one's place?

Allika: (Looking at the number 112) The one.

Me: No Allika, which number is all the way over to the right?

Allika: The two.

Me: (Excitedly again) Right! So, which number is in the one's place?

Allika: The one.

Me: (Starting to get somewhat exasperated) No! What is the one's place?

Allika: I forgot.

Me: The number all the way to the right.

Allika: Oh.

Me: So which number is all the way over to the right?

Allika: The two.

Me: So which number is in the one's place?

Allika: The one.

Me: No, Allika. It's the two. (I know my mother would roll over in her grave if she were dead. She is a firm believer in never giving the answer.)

So we go through a similar process with the ten's and hundred's place. Then, I ask her to write the number one-hundred-and-one. She writes it out like this: 1001. I am beyond frustrated at this point.

In the middle of all this, she is spacing out and getting side-tracked by all manner of things that tickle her fancy...like the light switch.

This leads me to what happened a few days ago. We had said our standard prayer before beginning our school day. Allika had thanked God for the great fun she was having and I had asked for patience and a good attitude.

Things began to rapidly deteriorate as I tried to get her to focus on her work, pay attention, do her best, and have a good attitude. (It's somewhat ironic to me when I yell, "You need to have a good attitude, Allika!!!")

In the middle of this loss of control I was displaying, Allika looked up at me and said, "I guess God didn't answer your prayer, Mom."

"Why?"

"Because you asked him for a good attitude and he didn't give it to you."

*Gulp*

"Allika, he did answer my prayer because I don't have a bad attitude. I'm just trying to be strict with you because you need to do your best and pay attention and work hard and have a good attitude."

*Lie*

Well, I've been thinking a lot about that. A lot. A great amount of a lot.

I realized that so many times I have asked God for something and waited for him to make it happen. I forget that sometimes I am the answer to my own prayer. Is God going to sprinkle me with a good attitude just because I ask him? Is God going to send money from heaven to my friend because I prayed that he would help them through these difficult financial times? Is God going to make my marriage better because I've asked him to show my husband the areas he needs to change?

Maybe.

But just as likely, I will have to make choices to control my behavior when I feel like letting all my emotions hang out.

It's possible that I am the one who God will use to bless my friend in a monetary way.

It could be that God wants me to change my faults, fix my attitude, and love my husband unconditionally through all his weaknesses and imperfections in order to enjoy my marriage.

James 2:14-17 says, "What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, 'Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,' but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself if it is not accompanied by action, is dead."

Last night, I asked my daughter what she would change about our family if she could change one thing.

She said it would be me getting grumpy all the time during school.I told her that she was right, and that was going to change immediately.

Today, I let go of all my exasperation and frustration and corrected her kindly. I made a deliberate choice to only respond softly and gently and to walk away for a while if I thought I would lose it.

Her performance went up by 100%.

She said, "This is the specialist day in a long time."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because you're not being so grumpy anymore."

It looks like God answered my prayer after all.

Proud Moment

Here are Allika and her cousin, Tea, at their ballet recital.

A List of Adventures

There are times when I think I would really like to live out in the country on a large plot of land and just enjoy life from that perspective. The last few weeks have shown me that there are some great advantages to living in a big city, though. There are so many things to do and a lot of them are free. It's been so fun spending time together doing some of those things over the past several weeks.

I am thankful to be a part of a really great home-school coop. One of the things we've done recently is go on a field trip with the rest of the group to the Science Museum. They're having an exhibit on the Titanic right now. We got to see the exhibit and the Imax film on the Titanic, and Allika loved it. She also got to experience the rest of the museum which is hands-on science. I should be honest with you here and let you know that she is not the most focused person. She takes after her mother who does not like to spend a lot of time absorbing one thing when there's so much else to see and do. Poor Van has no hope. He likes to stay at one little, tiny display until he has processed all the information there is to process and then some. Ahh! It just drives me crazy. We are not the cute, little couple walking through the museum, holding hands and discussing what we are seeing. We are the guy who gets very annoyed at the girl for being so impatient and the girl who gets very frustrated at the guy for always being about 25 exhibits behind when there are still 1,000 more things to see. It's very romantic.


Sorry my pictures are blurry. This is the science guy doing his thing. Very cool.


Allika and her friend in front of an iceberg display.

(Wow! Really blurry pictures. Apparently, I don't like standing still in front of a display long enough to take a picture either.)

Another thing we did recently was attend a free college symphony concert that was performing "Peter and the Wolf." They really tried to make it for the children, so they had an instrument "petting zoo" before hand, where the kids could play all the symphony instruments. They also had a little craft and snacks for everyone. It was very nice, and Allika really enjoyed it. The conductor was so cool with the kids. He told them he needed them to help him conduct the symphony for one song, showed them what it involved, and then stepped back and had all the kids in the audience "conduct" for him. It was so cute to see Allika get jiggy with it when the music got really loud and exciting. Van and I were laughing. She kept looking over at us and telling us to stop laughing. It was really hard.

For their performance of "Peter and the Wolf," they had their Opera professor come out and read the story while they showed pictures of it up on the screen. It really made the music come alive for Allika and helped her to appreciate all the instruments and what message they were trying to convey. I was very impressed with everything they did that night.







We also got to go to the free Christian Community Fair last week. It was fun to see all the different Christian ministries in the Twin Cities and learn about the various ways we could get involved. Of course, I wanted to volunteer for everything from mentoring victims of domestic violence to building houses for Habitat for Humanity. Van kind of has to keep me in check because I'm a little unrealistic when it comes to how many more things I can fit into my schedule. What I was really looking for was something we could all do together as a family. I did find some things, so I will be looking into them and keeping you posted.

They had a lot of fun things for the kids, so Allika got to ride a pony for the first time, catch a fish for the first time, jump on the inflatables and do the inflatable obstacle courses, enjoy the petting zoo, see a real bald eagle up close, go on a treasure hunt that she never finished, and a few other things.







Our adoption agency also put on a "Circus of the Heart" for people who are waiting to adopt or who have already adopted. It's just pretty much a big carnival. I thought it would be something that provided more information and opportunities for networking with case-workers. It was fun, though, so I'm not complaining. I always like to do fun things with the family, especially when they're free.

The last recent event I will tell you about was really neat because Allika and Van got to do it together as their date on Tuesday night while I was at school. We are really trying to help her be more outward focused during the holidays instead of just thinking about herself and all her wants. There are several things we are tying to do to accomplish that, and maybe I'll write about them sometime, but one of the things we're doing is looking for service projects we can do for those who don't have all the advantages we have during the holidays. That is why, on Tuesday night, Van and Allika were found making Christmas cards to send to the orphans who don't get any cards during Christmas. It was another event our adoption agency sponsored, and both Allika and Van really thought it was a lot of fun. Allika did find that she is more creative than Van when it comes to making cards.





Anyway, those are some of the things we've been enjoying together lately. I still wouldn't mind living out in the country someday, but until then, I can enjoy whatever I'm doing, wherever I'm doing it as long as I can spend time with my wonderful family...even going to the museum.

Thanksgiving

I Thessalonians 5:18 says, "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

I know this is the time of year we start thinking more about being thankful, and I think it's a really good idea to have an official time to focus more on all the blessings we have. It's not just a silly platitude when people say that making a list of all you have to be thankful for really changes your whole perspective on life.

One year, I made a little "Thanksgiving Tree." I just got a branch, decorated it, and tied some yarn all over it. Then, I got little pieces of paper and punched holes in them. Everyone was supposed to write down something they were thankful for and tie it to the tree. There was a catch, though. Instead of writing good things they were thankful for, they had to write about things that seemed negative at the time but turned out good in the long run. I thought it turned out really neat to read all about the hard things we had all gone through, knowing we could recognize the good in them.

That's what the verse in I Thessalonians says. It doesn't just say to give thanks; it says to give thanks in all circumstances. That is what can be really hard sometimes. It is easy to thank God for the good things, but do we thank him for the hard times also? It is in the hard times that we are strengthened and caused to grow (James 1:2-4).

In light of these things, I thought I would make a list of what I am thankful for this year, but instead of all the nice things (and there have been boat-loads of those), I thought I would write why I'm thankful for all the tough things we have been through.

1.) I am thankful for...a decrease in income due to Van's losing a part-time position...because it has freed up our schedule a little more and allowed us to be more creative in how we spend our money.

2.) I am thankful for...having ten people choose to place their fellowship with a different church after years of working together and building relationships...because it has caused us to be really introspective about who we are and why we are in the ministry; it has challenged us to be faithful; it has shown us ways that we need to improve; and it has caused us to see the potential in people we were overlooking because we were so focused on the ones we thought would stay and be the pillars.

3.) I am thankful for...being diagnosed with cancer...because it made me think about death and the legacy I wanted to leave behind; it showed me the sweetness and support of my family, church, and friends; it gave me a new perspective on what it's like to have cancer and not know what the outcome will be; and it made me appreciate what I've got even if it's not always what I want.

4.) I am thankful for...having to make some tough decisions about our daughter's emotional health...because it has helped us not to be so judgmental of other parents because we may not know everything that's going on behind the scenes; it has opened the doors to discuss some very deep truths with our daughter that most parents will not get to discuss with their children until they're much older; it has made us have to confront some of the unhealthy and untrue things that we were telling ourselves while we thought we were being perfectly rational.

5.) I am thankful for...the difficult navigation of the adoption process and that we are still waiting for that match...because there is a special child out there somewhere waiting for the love our family can give, and all the time it is taking to bring us together is just preparing our hearts for the perfect moment when the child we've been praying for becomes a part of our family.

So, whether you write a list of all the good things you're thankful for or all the not-so-good things you're thankful for, take the time to notice what God is doing in you're life. He is accomplishing great things in you, even when you may not feel so great about it.

Poor Girl

I have this problem with people thinking I have taken their stuff when I haven't.

One time, this lady I know came up to me and asked me for her old black-and-white family heirloom picture back. She said she had loaned it to me for a project I was doing on period costume. I was stunned. I did not have her picture nor was I doing a project on period costume. When I informed her of these facts, she was insistent that I indeed had borrowed her picture and she needed it back because it was very important to her. What was I to do? I couldn't produce her precious picture, and she was not happy with me about it. It wasn't until later that she remembered it was someone else she had loaned it to.

Another time, I got a call from a friend of mine who wanted to use the Halloween costume she had loaned me for my daughter. I was at a loss because she had not loaned me a Halloween costume. She was so sure she had that I began to doubt myself and started digging through all of Allika's clothes looking for a bumblebee costume. I was relieved when I got the call that my friend remembered it was her sister-in-law she had loaned it to - not me.

Still another time, I returned a bowl and lid in which someone had given me some food. A few weeks later she asked me if I still had the lid to her bowl because it was one of her favorites and she would really like to have it back. I was horrified because I knew for a fact I did not have it, but there was no way to prove that. Fortunately, she did find her lid tucked away somewhere a few days later.

And do you all remember the incidence with the academic adviser, who believed me to have the schedule that I never received from her and proceeded to make it very difficult for me to get another one? I guess that's kind of a different category, but I'm still a little sore about it.

I actually have a few more stories along these same lines, but I'm sure you are getting the picture.

I don't know if this phenomenon happens to anyone else, and if it does, whether it bothers you, but I can attest to the fact that it causes me great stress and discomfort. I do not like people thinking that I am deliberately or irresponsibly keeping something of theirs that I never had in the first place.

I have thought about a policy of never being in possession of anyone's property. That way when someone accuses me of having kept their valued possessions, I can simply say, "That couldn't possibly be me. I have a "anti-other people's property policy." The only problem with that solution is that it doesn't work. You cannot exist on this earth and never borrow anything, have a loan thrust upon you by some well-meaning friend, or somehow come in contact with another person's stuff.

I guess, technically, you could if you wanted to be really mean and grouchy to everyone, but I don't. Thus, I came to the conclusion that I shall valiantly suffer this burden of being falsely accused of keeping one's heirlooms and the like. I will smile, try to reason with them, and endure their anger with me.

This was until yesterday, that is.

My daughter and I made the twelve-hour trip to Oklahoma this weekend to attend a friend's wedding in which my daughter was a flower girl. It was a lot of fun to see old friends and visit a little bit. I just wish we could have gotten to spend more time with people. That's just not possible when there is so much going on during wedding preparations and all. I enjoyed the little bit of time I got, though.

What does this have to do with the pocketing of people's possessions policy (PPPP)? I am about to tell you.

My daughter was an absolute angel for the whole trip. I couldn't have asked for a better traveling buddy. She was nigh unto perfect. I say "nigh" because there were no issues the whole way down and all the way back until we got a little way from home. It was then that we had our first incident, and would you like to know what it was about?

She had been listening to her Ramona books on tape (which I secretly enjoy, as well). Instead of putting them back in the tape case, however, she was tossing them around the car and getting the next tape out to listen to(not in order, mind you, much to my chagrin). Finally, I insisted that she give me all her tapes strewn around the back seat, and I put them back in their cases. I distinctly remember that their was one tape slot which remained empty because I had not been given the appropriate tape for that slot. This is a very important piece of information.

A short time later, Allika said, "Mom, why did you lose my Romona the Brave tape?"

"I didn't."

"Yes, you did. I gave it to you, and you lost it."

Then, something happened that I cannot explain. It was like all the emotions and feelings came tumbling out which had been bottled up inside of me for all those years of being accused of keeping something I had never had. It was both an extremely traumatic and healing moment for me.

"I did not, Allika, and don't accuse me of losing a tape that you lost because you didn't put it away."

"No, I gave it to you. I know I gave it to you."

This is about the time that I snapped and became overly emotional about the whole situation. "How on earth do you think you can know that you gave me that tape? Did you read every single one of those tapes before you gave them to me? I'm the one who knows what tapes you gave me, and you did not give me that tape. Now, you better sit there and be quiet and don't talk about it again or I'm going to take every single one of your tapes away, and you won't get to listen to anything!!!"

Silence ensued.

So, I figure it was a great trip other than that one little psychotic display by this very delusional mother.

My poor daughter is stuck with me for a long time. Bless her heart.

Famous Quotes

Not only has my life been crazy, but my computer went ka-pooey. Since my husband's computer is attached at the hip, it is very difficult to get any time to post a blog. At this moment, I have procured said husband's computer and am attempting to write a quick post before he awakens from his wife-induced coma and comes after me.

Well, I'm sure you don't need a play by play of the craziness that is called my life. Therefore, I will keep it simple by just saying that we have been keeping all the doctors and vets in business here in Minnesota, what with my daughter's breaking of the arm and my doggy's siezuring of the body.

The main thing I thought I would share with you, in list form (because lists are my friends), are some of the things my daughter has been sharing with us. Some of them have made me bust a gut and some have made me cringe, but here is a sample of what we experience every hour of every day.

Allika: Can I please have cheese instead of grapes for a snack?

Daddy: No, Allika. If you want a snack, you can have grapes.

Allika: But, Daddy, I'm not hungry for grapes. I'm hungry for cheese.

Daddy: Allika. The answer is no. You may have grapes, and that's all.

Allika: Well, what would Jesus say if he were my daddy?

***************

Nurse: Do you say your name "A-lec-uh" or "A-leek-uh"?

Allika: It's up to you what you want to call me. Either one is fine. Or

you can call me "A-kill-i-kuh" too if you want to.

***************

Doctor: Hi. So you broke your arm, huh?

Allika: (Reading nametag) Is your name, Joe?

Doctor: (Chuckling) Yes, it is.

Allika: Well, my name is Allika and I'm smart.

*****************

Allika: Sometimes, people don't believe me when I tell them things.

Receptionist: Really? They don't?

Allika: Yeah. Like when I tell them I ate sand, they don't believe me.

But I have ate sand before. It tasted like candy, too.

*****************

Allika: This is the same hospital my sister was born in.

Nurse: Really?

Allika: Yeah, but she died.

Nurse: Oh dear. Where is she now?

Allika: She's in heaven.

Nurse: That's right. She's in a better place.

Allika: Yeah. And she's also buried at the cemetery.

Nurse: Do you get to go see her at the cemetery a lot.

Allika: Well, it's not close to our house. But when I grow up and I have

a daughter and she dies, I'm going to bury her close to my house.

Nurse: Oh. That's nice.

******************

What can I say? Life is always exciting with a six-year-old.

What's in a Name?

My dear, sweet sister declared in no uncertain terms that I need to explain the title of my blog. She is tired of giving people my blog information because it is such a strange name to give a blog, and she wonders why I would have chosen such a thing.

She had strep throat and was rather grouchy.

I love you, dear, sweet sister.

And I owe everyone an explanation.

After my daughter died, my other daughter experienced a lot of internal emotions that she was not able to express in words. One way she verbalized the anxiety going on inside of her was by saying there were lots of mosquitos inside her. I thought that was a very accurate description of what she must have been feeling.

Since this is a blog for her, dealing with issues that could produce that same physical phenomenon (in her and me both), I kind of tweaked her metaphor by combining it with the age old saying "butterflies in my stomach" because I think anxiety is more like mosquitos than butterflies.

A while back, I wrote a dramatic monologue for a literature class I was taking, and I used as my subject her perspective in the death of her sister.

Here is the result:

A Girl and Her Sister

I holded my baby in my little blue rocky chair.
It’s okay baby, It’s okay baby.
I’ll give you some milk from my shirt.
Would you like a little tebby dare?
My baby is quiet now.
She shushed for a long time.
I don’t know what all the big people are doing.
Why do I have all these worries inside of me?
I think there’s some mosquitos inside me.
I haven’t seen my baby.
There’s the building with the pretty pictures in the window.
That’s where we left my baby.
I want to go get her.
Why don’t we just go get her back out of that building with the pretty pictures?
She’s not in that building anymore.
She’s down in the ground.
She's also up in heaven.
It’s a place you really like.
I don’t want to go there.
I want another little sister.
We can’t make a little sister.
Only God can make a little sister.
We can’t even make one out of paper.
Only heaven has that stuff.

To Dive Or Not to Dive

Allika has been petrified of jumping off the diving board for the duration of her swimming lessons. All her fellow-swimmers conquered the board, but Allika had too many fears associated with attempting a jump.

"The board wobbles when I walk out onto it, and it scares me."

"I'm afraid it will hurt when I hit the water."

"What if I hit my head on the way down and pass out. Will you come rescue me?"

And on and on and on.

We tried to be very patient and did not put a lot of pressure on her, but all throughout her swimming classes she showed no intention of trying to dive. She also isn't prone to peer pressure, which is a good thing, I suppose. Even when those in lower level classes were jumping, she was not. She seemed perfectly content to jump off the side and swim like a fish in the deep end, but for some reason, she couldn't bring herself to jump off the diving board.

Over the last few days, though, we started encouraging her to at least give it a try. We told her that we didn't care if she didn't actually jump, but we wanted her to walk out on the board and make somewhat of an effort.

Then, we pulled out the big guns. We told her that if she jumped off the diving board by the last day of class, we would take her to eat at one of her favorite restaurants. We took the bribery a step further and told her she could pick a prize out of her prize basket, also.

Well, it's been a slow and steady progression over the last several days, but here is the final result.











Oh yeah. I forgot to mention she insisted on wearing a life jacket, which was completely unnecessary.

Kind of reminds me of someone else I know who is afraid to take a few leaps she is perfectly capable of taking.

Yay! More Junk!!

I am getting ready to go on a little two-day trip tomorrow. Every time I leave my family, I feel like I will never see them again. I just hate being away from them for any length of time. Yes, I have issues.

I will be leaving in the afternoon and be back Monday evening, at which time we will have a camp-out in the back yard. I'm actually looking forward to that. I just love my family and spending time with them.

Today, I thought I would do some fun things with Allika since I won't get to see her for a few days. (Can you tell I'm really having a hard time with this?) She absolutely loves garage-saling, so we went to a few. It is difficult taking her at this point because she thinks she has to buy something at every sale. If I tell her we really don't need that right now, the obvious answer is, "Then why are we even garage-saling in the first place? Do we need any of this stuff right now?" Oh, the dilemmas with which our children present us.

I have tried that whole "buy it with your own money" thing, but that does not stop her from buying the first thing she sees at each sale until she runs out of money. It just doesn't teach her a thing about thinking through her purchases.

The solution I came up with was to tell her that she could only buy one thing for the whole day. She would have to make sure whatever she decided to buy was something she knew she really, really wanted because it would be the only thing she was getting the whole day.

Of course, she found what she could not live without at the very first garage sale. Ugh.

"Allika, you need to wait until you have looked at other garage sales because you might see something else you would rather have, and you won't be able to buy it."

"I know this is what I want. I don't want anything else."

Kind of defeats the whole point of taking your daughter garage-saling to spend some time together.

I told her she could not buy it until we had gone to all the other garage sales, and she still wanted it. I also added some fine print to which she agreed. If she bought it, she had to let me get rid of several of her things to make room for it. I am no dummy.

Well, at each new garage sale, she declared, "I don't see anything I want here. This is just other people's junk. Maybe that's why they're selling it, so other people will buy their junk." Very perceptive six-year-old.

I tried to convince her to buy another, more practical purchase that was $7.00 cheaper and took up much less room (about 3 sq. ft. worth), but she would have none of it. Even after I had the lady open the box and show us how it worked.

When it was all said and done, we made our way back to the original sale where, much to my chagrin, it was still there. I had been secretly hoping it would have sold while we were perusing the other sales.

(Yes, this is a blog for my daughter that she will read someday, and I will be exposed for what I am.)

My daughter came home the proud owner of a new contraption, and I promptly cashed in on our deal to rid her room of lots and lots of junk. It was kind of a win-win situation in the long run.

By way of an update on "The Thyroid," we found out that my insurance will cover the more convenient treatment that doesn't require me to go off my thyroid medicine for three weeks. The reason why this is a good thing is because it means I will not have to have really bad mood swings and not be able to get out of bed and function. Yay! That is an answer to prayer.

I am going to try to post something tomorrow because I have been marinating in this cool passage for a while now. I want to share it because it has really had an impact on me. If I don't get the time (with church and my trip and all), I will just have to contain my excitement until Tuesday.

Toodley-oo.

Myself in You

My Sweet Baby Girl,
I'm sorry that you were so scared last night. I wish I could make you believe that I will not let anything bad happen to you. If I could only make you see how fiercely I love you and the places inside of me that are so ferociously protective of you, then maybe you could understand that I am in control of these situations you are so afraid of. Why do you always ask what I would do if you got hurt or what I would do if someone tried to take you or would I cry if you died? The uncertainty and vulnerability you feel in my presence breaks my heart and makes me feel frustrated that I cannot communicate my deepest desire to keep you safe from all harm. I know it is hard to understand when you have seen things happen on my watch that you can only comprehend as bad. You have lost your innocence in regard to pain and death.

In futility, I tried to reason with you that just because we were downstairs and you couldn't see us, did not mean that we would let something bad happen to you. You lack the ability to trust the words, "I will not let anything bad happen to you."

That kind of reminds me of when I told you that God will protect us and only lets things happen to us that are for our own good, and you asked, "How can I believe in that if I can't see him?" I told you that that was what faith was: believing in someone or something that you can't see. But your words still haunt me.

They haunt me because I can hear myself in you. I know that somewhere in the corners of my soul I question God and his ability to protect me and keep me safe because I have seen some things happen on his watch that I cannot completely understand.

I can only imagine his pain and frustration as he watches me struggle with whether I am secure in his love. Deep inside of me, in the dark of the night, when I'm all alone, there are questions that I try to ignore and push away. Am I really going to be okay? Have I done enough to earn your love and approval? What is going to happen to me if I die? What if I've gotten it all wrong and I'm in for a big shocker?

I know all the theological answers to these questions, but there is still this place outside of my intellect that, if I'm honest with myself, does exist.

It is in these moments that I experience God. He does not always remove the problem, but he does put his arm around me and help me struggle through the pain, confusion, and fear. In my weakness, he is made strong, and his grace is sufficient for me.

Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.