Mosquitos In My Belly

Happy Birthday, Dad!

2010-06-05T13:24:00.001-05:00

Happy 65th Birthday to my wonderful father! And now for his 65th birthday list like the one I made for my mom.

My Dad...
1.) Is a cornball.
2.) Is an extremely faithful person.
3.) Is generous to a fault.
4.) Has always paid special attention to those less fortunate.
5.) Built many a club-house for us kids, including a tree-house.
6.) Took us to the free softball games at Kellet Park with a brown bag full of home-made pop-corn.
7.) Comes up with some of the biggest pipe-dreams imaginable.
8.) Makes some of those dreams a reality, much to my mother's chagrin.
9.) Spent lots of time with us kids, answering any question we might have about God, the Bible, and the church.
10.) Led family devotions every night.
11.) Supported my mother unconditionally in fulfilling her dream of home-schooling all of us kids.
12.) Painted 3 foot diamonds on our sidewalk to make our house easier for people to find.
13.) Loved to plant fruit trees.
14.) Is very, very quirky.
15.) Loves history.
16.) Took me out for ice-cream on numerous occasions to discuss my boyfriends.
17.) Hauled van-loads of kids to church in his old, blue van in which he had installed carpeted, wooden benches all along the sides.
18.) Wiggles his feet for comfort (which I inherited).
19.) Has a temper.
20.) Suffers from severe, chronic back pain which makes it difficult to function.
21.) Was in the Navy.
22.) Grew up on a dairy farm.
23.) Has created some beautiful paintings.
24.) Has the respect of many a formerly down-trodden person who is able to live a better life because my dad helped them in many ways and gave them a second chance.
25.) Drives like Jehu.
26.) Used to be an atheist.
27.) Used to be a preacher and car-salesman simultaneously.
28.) At one point, delivered newspapers, worked a full-time secular job, and worked full-time in the ministry to provide for his family.
29.) Owned and rode a Honda motorcycle for several years.
30.) Sometimes thinks he's funny when he's not.
31.) Sometimes doesn't know he's funny when he is.
32.) Set all clocks in our house 15 minutes ahead of time and called it "Pratt Time."
33.) Requests (adamantly) that people just walk in his house instead of knocking.
34.) Hasn't an ounce of pretense in him.
35.) Corralled the family and any extras into leaving by announcing at the top of his lungs, "Pratts and all those riding with Pratts, get in the Pratt-mobile!!!!"
36.) Is a good cook.
37.) Loves masking tape.
38.) Liked to take us kids crabbing and let the little crabs loose on the dock to chase us.
39.) Listened to the radio blaring at all hours of the day, including at the dinner table which always made my mother furious.
40.) Started the Enid Youth Rally and had a big heart for the youth, even though he wasn't always successful with them.
41.) Calls me "Bubbles."
42.) Came to my fast food job almost every morning on his way to work to eat breakfast and see how I was doing.
43.) Fell in love with my husband before I did.
44.) Would yell, "Everybody pick up ten things," whenever someone came to visit.
45.) Came outside in his underwear with a gun one night when we girls thought we saw someone looking in our window.
46.) Sang at high volumes early in the morning.
47.) Loves to make giant whole wheat pancakes with fruit in them.
48.) Was incessantly telling us girls to get off the gas pedal when we played the piano.
49.) Hates to go fishing but took my brother anyway.
50.) Bought us all kites and took us to Purdue Park to fly them.
51.) Taught us kids how to drive.
52.) Performed my wedding ceremony.
53.) Wants to believe the best about people.
54.) Raised us with very black and white convictions and was always able to explain why.
55.) Sings well.
56.) Has been beaten down many times.
57.) Always gets back up...a little slower each time, though.
58.) Can be very obnoxious.
59.) Never wears jeans.
60.) Taught us girls how to change a tire and do minor car maintenance.
61.) Drove many miles to take our family on trips and vacations, singing and playing car games along the way (and fighting too).
62.) Loves to hear someone play the saw.
63.) Got the whole family involved in cheering for the St. Louis Cardinal games during baseball season.
64.) Is a good whistler.
65.) Taught us all what it means to love God and work hard.

I love you, Dad! Wish I could be there with you today!

If Only Everything Were Always Ideal...

2010-05-17T14:02:00.004-05:00

They offered me a job working in the kitchen three days a week at Allika's school. It's pretty much the same thing I was doing before on a volunteer basis, but I get paid for it now. I thought that was pretty cool.

I've already been able to be there when she's experienced a difficult situation or had something exciting to show me. That makes me feel good.

She's learning a lot of social lessons that have been very good for her and us both. She's learning how to treat the fat boy in her class that everyone else thinks is full of germs. She's learning how to be friends with the little girl who doesn't have any other friends and sometimes thinks that even Allika doesn't want to be her friend. She's had to set boundaries when some of the kids have been mean to her. She was able to handle a difficult situation by confronting it in a respectful way and getting her teacher involved. She has had to face fears and learn that everything doesn't always turn out as badly as she thinks it will. We have had to work with her and guide her through learning how to handle some of these situations, so I think we have been learning some new parenting skills, as well.

I am so proud of her! I think she is learning so many life lessons that will be extremely valuable to her as she grows up and has to deal with some of the same situations, but on a larger scale and in an uncontrolled environment.

I'm not sure that she would have been provided with the same scenarios by just staying at home with Van and me. She does have neighborhood friends, church friends, and other home-educated friends, but even in those environments, she would not be faced with the same kind of situations as she has been at school. Plus, her contact with those people is much more limited.

There are still so many things I prefer about home-schooling. When I think of going back to it, however, I see that there are a lot of really great things I would be giving up at her school. I am coming to realize that there are pros and cons to each option, but I can't have the best of both worlds. I don't know, maybe there's something out there that does offer that option. That would be ideal.

Until I find it, though, I am slowly coming to terms with this new transition in our lives. It has been good in many ways. We will continue to see how it goes through the summer.

Sorry

2010-05-13T15:13:00.004-05:00

Okay. So, I have about 15 minutes, and I owe it to you guys to post something because life has been so full lately, and I love it, but it means a lot less time to keep in touch with all of you...which I don't love.

Anyway, the last two weekends we had out-of-town company. It was so much fun and made us feel so special that they would come just to see us. We went to see the Dead Sea Scroll exhibit at the Science Museum of Minnesota. Awesome, people! Remember how I told you that I'm the one who races through exhibits at top speed while Van has to absorb every inch of them? Well, not this time. I was just enthralled with the thing. It was so worth the time and money to see it. In fact, I would love to do a detailed post just on that. But it's doubtful.

We also went to the Festival of Nations with our company. That is such a neat experience. They have all the different ethnic foods, music, dancing, and crafts. I always have to get the bread pudding and chicken curry from Nepal, the gyros from Greece, and the wantons from China. We all got different things and were sampling each other's food. It was so much fun.

Another thing we did was go see the Minnesota Orchestra play Vivaldi's Four Seasons. It was a special free concert funded by Target. They had this 15-year-old violinist. He was out-of-this-world amazing. They also played Summertime by Gershwin in this very cool jazz arrangement. Outstanding! It went by so quickly and the kids were just sitting on the edge of their seats, soaking it in. It was so neat watching Allika, because she was absolutely entranced by it all. There were sometimes when we would look over and she would be conducting the orchestra herself or pretending to play various instruments.

Speaking of Allika, she's doing so well in school. I really need to update you guys on that...and so much more, but I've got to go now. I really hope I can be on here more frequently. Thanks for being patient with me while my life goes in a million directions.

Thanks To My Husband...

2010-04-17T22:37:00.036-05:00

...here is a glimpse of some of our experiences over the last two weeks.

Allika, at the zoo with her friends, Skyelynn and Morgan

Sitting on a turtle

An Easter egg hunt in our backyard with Allika, Tea, Avery, Joy, and Kenny

First day of school

Trip to Duluth: Allika, throwing rocks into Lake Superior

Allika and Van at Lake Superior

Allika, chasing sea gulls

View from Enger Tower

Enger Tower

Climbing down from Enger Tower

View from the ledge

Silly People

Allika, at her first Art Fair...can you tell she didn't want her picture taken?

Allika, in front of her locker

Allika, having fun at her school playground

It's Been A While

2010-04-14T09:42:00.004-05:00

Wow! How long has it been since I blogged last? Two weeks? Life is kind of zooming along, and I'm sort of just holding on for dear life until I get adjusted enough to be able to seat myself and take in the scenery. Plus, I was wanting to include pictures of some of the stuff we've been doing lately, and...I have a confession to make. Anything that involves more than typing and hitting the submit button lands in my technologically-skilled husband's "to do" box, which is quite full at the moment. Therefore, there will probably be no pictures for a while, which saddens my heart immensely.

Where to begin?

Allika has officially started week #2 of her new school. I am withholding my opinion until we get a little further along, and I can be a little less emotional in my assessment.

As far as Allika is concerned, she absolutely loves it. She has already learned a lot about being friends and the difference between true friends and lousy friends. Her tooth chipped off (again) last week, and she was so petrified of going to school with a broken tooth. She thought no on would want to be her friend and everyone would laugh at her and make fun of her. I told her that if someone wasn't going to be her friend because she had a broken tooth, they weren't her true friend anyway. Well, by the end of the day, she was so excited because she had found a true friend in Annie. Now, whenever we talk about Annie, Allika is sure to mention, "And Annie's a true friend, too."

The only negative thing she does say is that she is so tired by the end of the day. I can see the exhaustion on her face and in her actions. I have been told that for the first month it will be that way. Of course, this causes my emotional mother instincts to revolt and cry out against the injustice of seven-year-old children going to school thirty-five hours a week. Surely, no one else has ever successfully raised children with those kind of school hours.

There is a constant battle going on inside of myself, trying to stay alert and cautious, recognizing the need to slowly let the string out a little more while still holding on to it, distinguishing between my own happiness and what is best for my daughter, deciding what are healthy intuitions that need to be heeded and what are anxious emotions into which the truth needs to be spoken.

I have started volunteering in the kitchen three days a week. I was going to start helping in the classroom today, but I have a little cold and am still waiting on my background check. I have met many wonderful parents, teachers, and students and do feel like God has me there for a reason. I am already scheduled to get together with one mother who wants to discuss the adoption process with me. I have also been able to talk with a mom who has experienced tremendous loss.

I was so happy to hear Allika say to her friends, "Oh look! That's my mom! Hi Mom!" She was so excited to see me there. Then, she asked if I could be the teacher in her classroom. That gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling.

Unfortunately, she wasn't as excited for her friends to see her dad. That is something we have just run into, and it is breaking my heart. We are trying to figure out how to handle the situation the best way. He has struggled with weight all his life, and I think she is realizing that he is bigger than other kids' dads are and it is starting to embarrass her. She loves her daddy so much, and he is the best kind of daddy any girl could ever want, and I'm not just saying that.

Anyway, just another teaching lesson in the journey of parenting.

There is so much I want to tell you all about. The last two weeks have been jam-packed with activity and blog-worthy events. I think I have written enough for now, though. I will try to do a better job of keeping up, but I can make no promises.

Changes

2010-03-29T12:54:00.004-05:00

As you can see, I've been making a few changes to my blog. Nothing much, but I like it. I am really technologically challenged, so changes will probably be slow over the life-time of my blog.

Another change to report is that we have officially decided to send Allika to the new school. She will start next Tuesday. We went out and got her uniforms. She is so excited about wearing those. More power to ya, kiddo.

I have been in somewhat of a depression over the whole thing. My mom finally got it. She said, "You feel like you're losing your job." It was so nice to talk to her about it and know she understood. I feel this emptiness when I think about having 35 hours a week without her. I know it isn't going to be that drastic because I will be volunteering at her school part of that time, but it still will be a different kind of interaction with her.

I also feel sad when I think of leaving the whole "home-schooling culture." It definitely is a sub-culture, a different way of thinking, and a way of life. It is kind of like leaving one religion for a different one. Yes, that is a dramatic way of putting it, but that is how I roll. I just have to keep being honest with my feelings and emotions over this.

There are these really militant home-educators who will not let me off very easily. But there were also these really militant public educators who gave me a hard time when we decided to home-school. It just goes to show you that child-rearing decisions are very personal and must be made by the parents, with the child's best interest in mind.

I am so scared of bullies, perverts, and anything that might hurt my daughter. We are trying this over the summer (because they have school year-round), and you better believe that if something doesn't seem quite right, we will resume home-schooling or another alternative in a heart-beat. I know I am very intense and high-strung about this, but education is a very formative part of a child's development. Of course, I'm studying that part of development in college right now, and it's scaring the snot out of me. I cannot take it too lightly.

We already decided not to let her take the bus because it was an extra TWO HOURS (!!!!!!!) every day just riding the stinkin' bus! That's forty-five hours a week of her being gone. No way. She's only seven for crying out loud!! Those are adult working hours! It will mean an extra forty miles of driving a day, but it's worth it to spend some quality time with her in the mornings on her way to school and discussing her day after we pick her up.

We will see where God takes us. For now, we are taking this huge step ever so gingerly. We don't know what he is doing, but he is doing something, and we will trust him with the outcome.

Okay, onto something else I wanted to share with you all. I got the reports back from my blood tests and ultra sound, and I am still doing great! The thyroglobulins (of which you ideally want to have none) were not undetectable, but they were really low, so they will just keep an eye on them.

When I went in to get my ultra-sound, the lady told me that it is not uncommon to find more lymph nodes, so I got kind of nervous. Then, she started clicking away on her keyboard and measuring and holding the ultra-sound head in one spot for a really long time. So, of course, I was thinking, "Great! She found another one! You've got to be kidding me! I don't want to go through this all over again!"

Well, we got all done, and she said I could go. Just like that. I looked at her and asked if I needed to talk to the doctor or anything. She said that she hadn't found anything to bring to the doc's attention, so I was good to go. Phew!! That little scare there made the relief even more palpable when I got the good news.

Thank you, God, for another six months of good health!

Big Decisions, Part II

2010-03-18T16:59:00.006-05:00

Today, we all went to check out the school we are thinking about sending Allika to.

When we pulled into the parking lot we all sat there and prayed together that God would give us wisdom and help us to see what he wanted us to see. We asked that he would open and close doors in an obvious way and that our hearts would be very sensitive to his direction, even if it would involve sacrifices and inconveniences on our part.

I know some of you probably think we're taking this a little too seriously, but I do believe it will have a great effect on Allika's future and the direction of her life.

Van and I got to observe in several of the classes, and Allika got to attend the classes as a guest. She absolutely loved it. She was a little awkward socially (go figure), but was very excited that several of the kids liked her. She did very well academically. She will be put in 2nd grade for reading and the advanced math class. She will finish out the remainder of 1st grade in all her other subjects (science, art, phys.ed., music, geography).

They do teach both creation and evolution. A note is sent home to the parents when evolution is being taught to let them know what aspects are being covered and when. That way, when the kids are at home, the parents can go over exactly what is being taught. They also allow the kids to choose not to participate in those portions of the lessons if it goes against their beliefs to do so.

They do really well at adapting to each individual child's level of learning. They do one-on-one teaching with children who need it. We saw little desks set up all over with a teacher and a student working together on something. In addition, children are put in higher grades if the child is advanced in a particular subject. They also set their classes up with different "stations" of specific aspects of the same subject. The children rotate through stations and learn about a particular subject from various angles. I believe they referred to it as differentiation. It gives students the opportunity to learn according to their particular learning style.

Everything is very hands-on, even in the higher grades. The kids are also encouraged to be a part of some of the decisions regarding the school. They vote for what equipment to buy for the playground (they get votes for different decisions based on how many books they read), they help to build the playground, they clean parts of the school that they have a personal connection to. It gives them a sense of ownership and responsibility.

They value parental involvement and require it, so I am excited to get involved in Allika's school that way. Today, she was asking me and Van to please leave, so I don't know how thrilled she will be to have me there, but oh well. It's part of life.

All our questions and worries were answered very satisfactorily. There just seem to be several indications to go ahead with it that we probably shouldn't ignore. One thing we find very interesting is that we are scheduled to start April 6, and there are over 200 people on the waiting list to get in. How did that happen when we weren't even actively pursuing an education with them? The other thing is that all our reasons for why we wouldn't want to send her to school (which are probably different than most people who home-school) are no longer valid in this situation. When we combine that with some concerns we have had lately about some things that are hard to explain here, we wonder if God isn't preparing the way before us to send her to this school.

The only thing that's really hard for me is not being able to be with her all the time. I know part of parenting is slowly letting go, but this doesn't seem very slow. I love spending time with her and getting to experience life together. I also dreamed of being a home-school mom. It is how I always pictured we would be. I don't like to admit defeat, but I do think this will be better for her in the long run. I know not everyone will understand or agree with our decision, but I also know that they aren't aware of all the details surrounding our decision. They still may not agree even if they were.

Anyway, I think we are leaning toward giving this a try. It is a huge decision. To some of you, it may not seem that way, but for me, it really is difficult.

Cancer Update

2010-03-16T14:52:00.003-05:00

It's been six months since my radioactive iodine treatment. Today I went in for my six-month check-up. They did some blood work and will be doing an ultra-sound on my neck next week. That's just standard procedure every six months. There is nothing alarming that has caused them to order these procedures.

The doctor did feel something abnormal on my neck when I swallowed, but he thinks it's just scar tissue.

There is a 30% chance of recurrence with thyroid cancer, especially when it has spread to the lymph nodes. I will believe I am in the 70% until I am told otherwise. That just makes the most sense to me.

Big Decisions, Part I

2010-03-12T19:38:00.005-06:00

We have been presented with an interesting situation. It is one that we were not actively seeking out, nor did we see coming.

It has happened so quickly that I am not sure what to think about it.

We got a call from a friend this week whose children were accepted into a very nice charter school that is really hard to get into. There are long waiting lists and they do a lottery to choose new families.

She informed us that they had one opening for 1st grade. So, Van gave them a call and, sure enough, they just needed to do a placement test and get our registration form, and we would be all set to start April 6th.

Just to give you a little background - we had looked into this school several years ago and were really impressed with it. They have school year-round which helps the students retain more of what they learn and gives really nice breaks all year long (one complete week or more off per month on average). They also get one month off in the summer, so they don't have to be in school the whole time all their friends are out for Summer Break. They adapt the style of learning to each individual student because they understand that not all students learn in the same way. Parental involvement is mandatory; you are required to volunteer a certain amount of hours each week. Art and science are the emphasis, although they teach all subjects from a classical curriculum (you can google what that means because that is almost a whole other post). We have been informed that they teach both creation and evolution (we haven't verified that yet, but we will), which is what we plan on doing in home-schooling in order to help her form a very intentional and studied-out worldview.

Another thing we like is that a large majority of the students there were formerly home-educated and are part of families who have a lot of the same moral standards and beliefs that we have. I know that doesn't necessarily mean anything because those kids can sometimes be the worst ones when they are given a little freedom, but sometimes it ends up being the other way around instead.

Anyway, for various reasons, we did not end up sending her there.

And now we are faced with this very sudden decision.

We are rather conflicted about it. Home-schooling has started to feel more comfortable, and yet, there are still some issues involved.

Allika has a hard time interacting with and relating to children her own age. She is an only child and also experienced some minor "bullying" issues in the Montessori school she was in previous to home-schooling. These factors cause her to relate extremely well to adults, but shy away from forming new relationships with children her age.

I am well aware of all the talking points home-schoolers use regarding socialization. I was home-schooled growing up and, obviously, home-school my own daughter. I understand that home-schooling itself does not cause socialization problems for children later on in life. However, I do believe that there may be other issues that could potentially hold a child back socially, and I am not sure if Allika experiences those issues or not.

(By the way, there are several things involved which I can't really share on this blog at this point. I guess that seems kind of unfair to those of you reading my blog and trying to understand our dilemma.)

Her counselor has told me that I wear too many hats in my relationship with her because I am, of course, her mother, but I also have to take on the roles of friend, sibling, and teacher. If you will remember a while back, I posted about some of the difficulties being her teacher has added to our relationship. She has advised that allowing someone else to fill the role of teacher would free me up to be her mother and friend.

Having said all that, I have gotten to a place where I think home-schooling is working better for us. We are approaching the end of our first year, and I am looking forward to beginning our second year in the Fall. I love getting to teach her things, although it hasn't been as "Little House on the Prairie-ish" as I had originally envisioned. Having her home with me is wonderful, and I will certainly miss her during those thirty-five hours a week that she will be gone. I ask myself if that is a valid reason to keep her home with me or just my controlling nature.

Here in the cities there are so many opportunities for home-schoolers that I never had growing up. There are excellent drama clubs, speech clubs, debate teams, competitive sports, and so many other options for kids who are taught at home. I have joined a really great and supportive home-school coop and will be able to put Allika in various classes one day a week next year.

Furthermore, our community offers many wonderful learning opportunities at very affordable prices.

All of these should provide Allika with plenty of chances to socialize and learn from someone besides me.

But not on a daily basis.

And she is still an only child.

And I would be deeply involved with her education if it were out of the home.

And they would capitalize on her strengths, which happen to be my weaknesses (art and science).

And I could go on and on with the dilemma we find ourselves faced with.

So, we wonder - is God plopping this in our laps because it would be a beneficial change? Or is God using this difficult choice to cement our decision to home-school our daughter?

We still have a meeting with them to test Allika and observe several classes. There are still doors God can swing wide open or slam completely shut. I wish he always worked that way. But sometimes he doesn't make it very obvious, and we don't feel his definite leading until years later when we can clearly see why we were supposed to do one thing over another.

In the meantime, we will keep asking for wisdom.

My Face Is Still Red

2010-03-04T19:03:00.004-06:00

I had the most embarrassing moment of my whole entire life this week. I learned two lessons out of my humiliation in the process.

Allow me to share.

(Certain names have been changed to protect the innocent.)

One of the kids I babysit for is usually picked up by his mother, who pays me each time she leaves. Lately, however, his father has been the one to pick him up, and he has not remembered or thought to pay.

I have made comments to Van about the fact that the dad must think the mom is paying me and the mom must think the dad is paying me and neither one will probably ever realize I am not being paid.

Well, the last time the dad came to pick up the boy, my daughter said, "Mom, is it okay if I say this?"

That should have just been my first clue.

"Well, Allika, I don't know what you're going to say, so I can't tell you."

"But, Mom. Is it okay?"

"Is it something I've told you not to say?"

"No."

"Okay, just hurry up and say it."

(The dad was trying to leave and Allika was keeping him there to tell him this comment in question.)

The next ten seconds are ones that I wish I could erase from existence for all time. It happened in slow motion and I stood there wanting to scream and stop her from saying what she said, but it was too late. I couldn't.

Here are those words that shall forever live in infamy:

"My mom keeps on saying that you always bring Joe over, but you never pay her."

I wish I could have stuffed those words right back in her mouth. I stood there, horrified, wishing I could disappear. I didn't know what to say, because what she said was partially true, but I had been misrepresented and misquoted.

So, here are the lessons I learned from this little humiliating event:

1.) If my daughter asks me if it's okay to say something of which I am not aware, the answer is a resounding "NO!"

2.) Do not discuss anything around my daughter that I do not want her to repeat to others.

The thing about it is, the very same day, she walked into the Doctor's office and announced to the receptionist and everyone in the waiting room that her mom was going to cut up all the credit cards, and she was very upset about it because she wanted to keep them for herself.

That wasn't even close to the kind of humiliation the other episode provided me, though.

This makes me wonder what great little tidbits of information regarding our family life she has shared with her Sunday School teachers, doctors, babysitters, etc.

I can't say I was never warned about this stage.

How to Really Love a Child

2010-02-24T18:18:00.004-06:00

Be there.

Say yes as often as possible.

Let them bang on pots and pans.

If they're crabby, put them in water.

If they're unlovable, love yourself.

Realize how important it is to be a child.

Go to a movie theatre in your pajamas.

Read books out loud with joy.

Invent pleasures together.

Remember how really small they are.

Giggle a lot.

Surprise them.

Say no when necessary.

Teach feelings.

Heal your own inner child.

Learn about parenting.

Hug trees together.

Make loving safe.

Bake a cake and eat it with no hands.

Go find elephants and kiss them.

Plan to build a rocketship.

Imagine yourself magic.

Make lots of forts with blankets.

Reveal your own dreams.

Search out the positive.

Keep the gleam in your eye.

Mail letters to God.

Encourage silly.

Plant licorice in your garden.

Open up.

Stop yelling.

Express love.

A lot.

Speak kindly.

Paint their tennis shoes.

Handle with caring.

Children are miraculous.

I don't know who wrote this, but I like it. Sometimes I take parenting too seriously. While I know parenting is a serious venture, it doesn't mean I can't smile and have silly, ridiculous fun with my daughter in the process. I want to try to do better at this.

I want my daughter to picture me as always having a smile on my face and a love for life no matter what comes my way.

Valentine Surprise

2010-02-17T15:27:00.005-06:00

Surprisingly, this past weekend turned into a very nice Valentine's celebration. I thought Valentine's weekend was going to consist of me accompanying a friend on a trip to South Dakota Saturday morning through Sunday afternoon, a quick dinner with my husband Sunday night (and possibly my daughter since babysitters are scarce then), nannying Monday morning (which I usually don't do on Mondays) while my husband watched a little boy from our church for me (which I usually do on Mondays), class Monday night, and trying to write a paper in there somewhere. Whew!

But...

I found out on Tuesday that we would not be taking the trip to S. Dakota after all.

And then...

I found out on Friday that I would not be needed to nanny on Monday.

Those were enough changes to our schedule to get me all excited and thinking that I was going to plan a surprise get-away for my husband.

Well, you don't usually get released from two major duties like that in a row, so you've got to take advantage of that when you can.

What I failed to think about was that it wasn't going to be a walk in the park getting this little idea of mine together.

The first thing I had to do was find an over-night sitter. I tried calling my sister, even though I knew that she probably would have made plans with her husband for that night, plus her daughter would have school the next day. But Surprise! She was free to watch Allika and her daughter was out of school for President's Day. Yay!

Now, I had to make reservations at a Bed and Breakfast the Saturday before Valentine's Day. Yeah right! The first few places I tried to reserve were full. I finally found a room, and it was even less expensive than I thought it would be. It was in a historical building, furnished with antiques, and containing a jacuzzi tub. I was so happy!

I wasn't able to make reservations at the Melting Pot, which is where I really, really wanted to go, but I got in at Fogo De Chao. That's a really neat experience, too.

All I had left to do (I thought) was to keep it a secret from Van. That didn't happen too well. Thanks to a seven-year-old daughter and a husband who had to go and try to make his own Valentine's plans for me, he found out that I was planning a surprise, over-night get-away. I was still able to keep the destination a secret, though.

You are not going to believe this, but I totally forgot all about the little boy we were supposed to watch on Monday. After I had made all these plans and was starting to get really excited about the way everything was falling into place on such short notice, I suddenly remembered.

Now what?

I couldn't cancel reservations without losing money because it was less than 24 hours now.

I knew it was my own fault for forgetting, and I had nothing more to do than chin up, be responsible, and let the consequences fall where they may.

I decided to call and see if there was any way it would even be possible for me to be gone Monday morning. It was worth a try.

Lo and behold! Her kids were out of school on Monday, so they would be able to stay with him during the morning and I would come pick him up when we were done with our little excursion.

Phew! Now we were all set.

Nope.

It wasn't until Sunday morning that I remembered that I needed to find someone to watch our dog. She has to take two pills a day or she will have seizures, so it was very important that I find someone to take care of her. A couple from our church graciously agreed to keep her at the very last minute.

The final thing I had to make sure was done before we left was write my paper. It was due by class time Monday night and I wouldn't have much time to write it between coming home and watching the little boy.

Thankfully, I got it written.

After all that scurrying around and stressing out, we had a wonderful, marvelous, phenomenal, and amazing time together. We played games, did some antique shopping, discovered a great new Mexican restaurant (of which we are connoisseurs), watched some of the winter Olympics, enjoyed the hot tub, tried a new culinary experience at Fogo De Chao, and just had fun visiting with each other. It was a much-needed and hard-to-come-by reprieve from all the hustle and bustle of our crazy lives.

I would really recommend a little time away for every married couple. If you say you are just too busy to make it happen, that probably means it's imperative that you do.

Seven

2010-02-04T19:55:00.006-06:00

My daughter turned 7 on January 29th. I guess seven is the stage where they are sort of caught between wanting to stay a little child and wanting to be an older child. The other day Allika got dressed very carefully and deliberately and then came out and asked me if she looked like a teenager. It kind of bothered me. I didn't like it that she was growing up. I didn't want her thinking about fashion and looking older than she is. She is supposed to be my little girl.

A short time later though, she was bumping elbows with a puppet and catching her wiggles in her hands to tie them up and put them in her pocket. Back to her old self.

I know growing up can be a little difficult on her, too. There is such a hard-to-find balance between being too little and being too grown-up. She pushes me away so that she can be independent, and then, calls me back because she needs me again.

I guess this is what the next several years will be: me watching her grow up too fast and trying desperately to slow things down, but all the while, knowing this is the way it's supposed to be and hoping and trusting that, by the grace of God, we have given her the tools she needs to go to the next level of life.

(Whew! What a nice, long, emotional run-on sentence that was!)

(Now, on to things a few feet closer to the surface.)

We had a little party at the Nature Center with some of her friends and family. My brother and his family came up from Centerville, IA to help us celebrate. It was very nice getting to see them and knowing that they had come so far to be with us. My sister and her family were also there, along with several good friends. It was so much fun.

We did an animal theme, so I had the kids do a little "animal hunt" where they found all the animals I had hidden. For prizes, I went to Half-Price Books (love that store!) and bought a bunch of brand new children's books about animals for .50 cents each. They were all different, and the kids loved picking out which one they wanted.

Allika made brownies for her birthday cake. I decorated it with my sweet decorating skills (ha ha).

The Nature Center did a presentation on the different adaptations of amphibians and reptiles and then brought out several different animals for the kids to touch and hold and learn about.

I think everybody had a lot of fun, and Allika got some really neat projects and things that she has been enjoying.

(The sign that greeted us as we walked into the room)

(Allika and several of her friends, waiting for the festivities to begin)

(Allika and her cousin, Tea, dressing up as reptiles and amphibians to show their different adaptations)

(The kids, observing a snake)

In the next few days, I will be sharing about what she bought with all her birthday money. Joy of joys!

If It Were a Snake, It Would Have Bit Me

2010-01-30T11:48:00.006-06:00

The other day, Allika and I were headed to the store together. As we were walking through the parking lot, we passed a lady with her arms full of groceries. Just as we met, she dropped one of her bags and cans of pop went rolling across the parking lot.

I'm sure you all are waiting for me to say that I used it as an opportunity to teach my daughter about helping others, and we happily bent down and began picking up the cans for the lady.

But I did not.

What went through my head was, "Oh, she must be so embarrassed. I will pretend like I didn't see and keep on walking. If I make a big deal about it, it might humiliate her further."

When we got to the door of the store, Allika looked up at me, very concerned and upset, and said, "Mom, why didn't we help that lady?"

I turned around and saw that several other people from other areas of the parking lot had surrounded her and were helping her pick everything up and load it in her car. I had been standing right next to her and hadn't lifted a finger.

At that moment, all my reasoning for the choice I had made to keep walking seemed so silly and stupid, and I just felt awful.

Not only had I set a bad example for my daughter, but I had missed an opportunity to make someone's day better...to make a small difference in someone's life.

I am always thinking about how much I want to change the world and make a huge impact on humanity. I feel like my existence is for the purpose of making a difference. The problem is that I look for the big splashes that I can make. I am constantly looking for a program or organization I can help or oversee. That has yet to materialize, however.

Sometimes the time and effort it takes trying to promote the right ministry keeps me from noticing each individual person and considering how I can make their life a little easier.

I have heard that my life is like $1,000,000 dollars. Spending that money is the mark I will leave on humanity. There are three ways I can handle my potential impact: keep it all to myself and not spend much of it on anyone else; spend it all in one huge, life-changing display of self-sacrifice; or spend it slowly and quietly over the course of my life on each situation in which I recognize a need.

So many of us are looking for ways we can lay it all down at once and go out with a bang. In reality, there are only a few that will be called to spend their $1,000,000 dollars in that way. For the rest of us, we will be asked to spend a dollar here and ten dollars over there. Our impact will be the phone calls we make to a lonely widow, the visits we share with a sick senior citizen, the rides we give to someone without a vehicle, the babysitting we provide for a single mother, the physical touch we extend to a mentally handicapped person, the hospitality we bestow on a homeless family, the meal we make for a college student, the games we play with our children, or the pies we bake for our enemies.

Of course, those things aren't as flashy and recognizable. They may not win us any awards or get our names engraved on any plaques. But Jesus promised us something even greater.

"...I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." Matthew 25:40

"But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you." Matthew 6:3-4

"...whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant,..." Matthew 20:26

"But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. The your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked." Luke 6:35

"And if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones because he is my disciple, I tell you the truth, he will certainly not lose his reward." Matthew 10:42

I am not belittling anyone's intentions to do something big like becoming a missionary, helping out in a third world country, running an orphanage, or founding a life-changing ministry. It's just that for me, I can wait and wait for those types of opportunities all my life and miss the very real needs right in front of my nose because they seem so small.

I was reminded of that the other day when I walked right by the lady who had dropped her groceries all over the parking lot.

Need to Do: Learn Patience

2010-01-26T20:16:00.005-06:00

Yes, we are still trying to adopt. As we get closer to March, we get closer to a lot of our paperwork expiring and the need to have to redo and update most of it. It can get very frustrating since this will be the beginning of our third year of paperwork. (The first year was grossly mishandled by our case worker. We got a new and wonderful case worker last year, and now, we begin another year with her.) We will also have to go through twelve more hours of education.

A few months back, I was trying to locate a specific e-mail from our adoption agency. To my surprise, I found an e-mail that I had never seen or opened, which is really strange because I check every day for e-mails from the adoption agency. Really strange. It was about three weeks old. When I opened it, I felt my body just go weak because our case worker was asking us if we would be interested in submitting our home study for two sisters who were three and four years old.

"YES, YES, YES!!!" I wrote back. But it was too late.

I was so upset and disappointed about that. I actually had a little talk with God. I said, "You KNEW I wanted those girls!"

Van said God was not surprised by that e-mail. He had known about it all along.

The following Monday, I got another e-mail from our case worker. This time I opened it right away, and she was asking to submit our case study for a little girl named Karianna. Her nick-name is Kari.

I was so excited because somewhere in my mind, I thought this must be the reason why I didn't get the last e-mail in time. Kari must be the one we are meant to adopt.

Silly me.

A few weeks later we got another letter, telling us we had been selected as one of the final 15 families to be reviewed for the possibility of becoming Kari's family.

Excitement. Maybe this will be it!

Two months later and we have not been chosen.

Somehow knowing her name makes it harder. I kept thinking, "Kari." I would think of her name and picture her face. It kind of led to me imagining her as our daughter. You can't help it. When you are waiting and waiting for something, and you think it might finally become a reality, you start to let your mind imagine it happening, even though you try to tell yourself not to.

I guess that's why we try to stay pretty emotionally neutral. Sometimes you let your imagination get a little too carried away, though.

So, we're coming up on another year of more paperwork and more classes. We keep filling those forms out and signing up for those classes because we know that someday there will be a match. Our daughter is out there waiting, perhaps just as skeptically, for a mom and dad who think the world of her, a sister who will smother her and drive her insane, and a home that isn't perfect by any means but is full of grace and love.

Life in the Form of a List

2010-01-21T16:26:00.013-06:00

Here are some of the things that have been going on in the last couple of weeks. I am not guaranteeing the intrigue of any of them. This is just our life on the surface.

1.)Three birthday parties and one baby shower in 2 weeks. One of them is Allika's, so I have to do a little planning and organizing for that. I'm not going to do a ton because I tried the whole "do-it-yourself" party last year, and it was quite the disaster. Instead, we are having it at the Nature Center and letting them do most of the entertaining.

2.)Taking Allika to a variety of fun, learning experiences. Some of the ones I can remember right now off the top of my head are the physics circus, story time at the library, and tomorrow night I will be taking her to the Children's Theatre to see Mr. McGee and the Biting Flea. A friend gave us tickets for our birthdays. Sounds like fun.

(One of the demonstrations at the Physics Circus. They did a lot of really great science experiments on a level that would help kids want to learn more.)

3.)Learning that the friend I told you about earlier who had lung cancer has another malignant tumor in her lung. It is inoperable since it is close to some major arteries. She will have to undergo chemo and radiation. These are the times in my life when I feel so helpless and inadequate. I want so badly to say and do the right things, but I don't know what they are.

4.)Getting really, really sick for about a week. I went to the doctor, and they said it was a virus. It really wiped me out for a while there. I kept running a fever off and on and couldn't swallow because it hurt so badly, even when I took an ibuprofen.

5.)Pretending to work on my homework for my classes which start February 1st. I'm excited to be learning the things I actually went to school to learn and not all the general stuff that isn't as fascinating to me.

6.)Having my thyroid medication increased for the third time since my thyroidectomy. It still isn't as high as it's supposed to be. I will have it tested again in 5 weeks. I would like to think my low thyroid levels might be to blame for the 10 pounds I've gained, but I'm sure it really has something to do with the holidays and my sick love of chocolate.

7.)Cheering on the Vikings as they get closer and closer to the Super Bowl. I'm really not a huge football person. In fact, I have always made fun of my husband for his allegiance to a team that couldn't care less whether or not he existed. This year, however, I kind of got caught up in the spirit. I'll go back to my ridiculing ways soon enough, but in the meantime, I'm enjoying the excitement while it lasts.

Skol Vikings!!

Questions

2010-01-13T20:36:00.006-06:00

What am I accomplishing? Am I making any difference for anyone? Are we all supposed to make a big splash, but some of us just never achieve our potential? Or are some of us destined to never see huge results but required to remain faithful? How do you know you have done enough and it is time to move on? How do you know you're supposed to stay and measure success by how faithful you are rather than by how many results you see? Is the effect I have on others an indication of the legitimacy of my call? When people stop appreciating my efforts have I lost my ability to produce a positive, substantial difference? Do I do what I know is right to do, even if it is misunderstood as wrong?

Sometimes it is hard to take one step at a time, not knowing if I'm headed in the right direction. It's a little disconcerting to have to just trust that the one who is holding my hand in the dark is going to lead me to the place where it will all make sense.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers."
Galatians 6:9-10

A Hint of Life? By Amy Carmichael

We only see the scorching earth.
Lord of the seed, we cry,
Our sowing seemeth little worth
In ground so dry.

But if the eyes of angels see
Some hint of tender green,
Anoint our eyes that they may be
As angels', keen.

O mighty Quickener of the dead,
Dost Thou see life astir?
Dost Thou see harvest gold outspread,
As though it were?

2010-01-10T22:00:00.001-06:00

The last couple of years, we have tried to give a lot of home-made gifts to help keep from blowing an even bigger hole in our pockets than we already do. (I cringe writing the last part of that sentence, knowing that my mother and father, and possibly a few others, will cluck their tongues after reading it.)

Anyway, this year we decided to do a family CD together as our Christmas present to everyone in our church, our family, and a few friends. It was a lot of work but also a lot of fun. Poor Vanny-poo got the brunt of the hard work. He had to play the piano for all the songs. The month of November was full of late nights where I would lay (lie?) in bed, listening to the clicking of the piano keys as he practiced his music with the earphones on. Bless his big, happy heart.

My job was to play the flute for one song and narrate for another. Allika got to sing "Away in a Manger" as a solo.

Oh! I guess I also had the hard job of folding card-stock into CD cases. I found the tutorial here.

We had gotten a free photo taken of our family at the Christian Community Fair, so that came in handy for the cover of the "album." It wasn't the most professional looking picture since we weren't expecting to have it taken, but it is a good representation of the essence of our family...pretty booger-head and down-to-earth.

And here is a sample of a couple songs. (Forgive me for making you have to endure more Christmas music after Christmas.)
Silent Night
Away In A Manger

The one difficult part of using this as our Christmas gift/card/photo, was that we had to severely limit to whom we could send it. It was very difficult to not be able to send it to everyone we wanted to.

Overall, though, we were very pleased with our home-made Christmas present this year.

Milestones

2010-01-07T14:15:00.008-06:00

I have returned. Now all ten of you can throw a party and celebrate that I'm back. (That's ten, including my family.)

Give me two weeks off and I will get very, very lazy. I loved my vacation from life, but now it is really difficult to get back into the swing of things.

So, let's see...what has happened?

My husband's parents were here for two weeks. They just left yesterday. We got to spend Christmas with them and my sister's family. We love games, presents, food, kids, sledding, and music, so that's just what we decided to do. Great times they were.

(Allika and her cousin, Tea, opening presents)

I graduated. There is so much emotion and excitement packed into those two words. I walked across the stage to receive my diploma. I kept telling myself to take in the moment because it would have been so easy to just let it all come and go so quickly. It was amazing, though. When I think of everything that has happened in the last two years, it is hard for me to believe that I've come this far. I still have so far to go, but I am celebrating each step along the way.

(Me with my daughter and nieces at my graduation)

We got to celebrate the ending of one year and the beginning of the next. I guess I'm getting old. There are two reasons why I suppose this:
1.) I don't get a thrill out of staying up until midnight to bring in the New Year anymore, and 2.) I get all gushy and sentimental about all the significance of what is taking place before my eyes.

So, I guess it's back to life again: blogging, home-schooling, working, college, ministry,...things that involve waking up before noon.

I think I'm ready for this. Bring on the living of life! Here's to a New Year!!

Four Years

2009-12-17T22:45:00.003-06:00

Today was Bethany's fourth birthday. We went to her grave site to leave a little pinwheel. We had to scrape the ice and snow away, but it was nice to remember.

Here's a picture of her grave site without the snow and ice.

That verse is always comforting to me.

Eleven Years and Counting

2009-12-11T23:46:00.007-06:00

Here we are. You and me. The same two lovers who pledged our lives to each other with stars in our eyes and big dreams in our hearts.

And while the years have seen some of those dreams come true, these years have also opened our eyes to the reality that marriage takes work, patience, and the kind of love that stays true, no matter what.

Here we are. You and me. Celebrating another year of loving and living and learning. Another year of working to make this life together the best it can be.

And I just want you to know that I believe in us. I believe in our love, and I believe in the strength and the beauty that come from sharing life's joys and weathering its storms...together.

You are my love, and when I pledged my life to you, I said forever...

I still do.

(This was the card I gave Van today for our Anniversary. I couldn't have said it better...I'm so in love with him!)

Nothing Much

2009-12-09T10:35:00.004-06:00

Minnesota got a big snowstorm yesterday and today. It took me one hour to drive to school last night (saw 3 cars off the road, two wrecks, and almost got hit twice), only to find out that classes had been canceled (good reason to check my e-mail before I go to school). So, I crashed Van and Allika's date and we had a great time together after a long and stressful day.

I was going to have to work this morning, but don't have to now. We are also canceling small group at our house tonight.

I am still going to my niece's Christmas program this afternoon though. Can't miss that!

Snow is such a gift. It's God's way of slowing my life down just a little.

Confessions of Grumpy Homeschool Mamma

2009-12-02T12:14:00.004-06:00

We say a prayer before we start school every morning. Allika thanks God for the day and the nice time that she hasn't had yet, nor is going to have. It's kind of a practice in futility, except I suppose she's learning the discipline of starting her work with prayer.

So, then I pray. I ask God to help me have a good attitude and to help Allika to do her best and work really hard and learn a lot. Another practice in futility. Sigh.

The other day, she told her grandma that she didn't like me teaching her because I always get angry with her every time she makes a mistake. She always makes me look like a saint when it matters most. (There was also the time when she told grandma that I took her money from her, placing her at the poverty level, so could grandma please send her .47 cents.)

Anyway, I could explain here that her idea of anger is my idea of strict enforcement. I could also tell you that she does not have a competitive bone in her body, which is good in some senses, but not when she does not grasp the reason why she should try her hardest at something. Furthermore, I could explain that she gets distracted very easily (huge understatement), which presents a challenge when she is supposed to be writing the word "weed," but, instead, finds the speck of Crystal Lite powder on the table much more fascinating.

Here is an example of a typical conversation during a school session:

Me: Allika, where is the one's place? (This is after Van has extensively gone over this concept with her the previous day.)

Allika: I don't know.

Me: Remember that it is all the way over to the right of a number?

Allika: (Absent-mindedly) Oh.

Me: So where is the one's place?

Allika: All the way over to the right.

Me: (Getting really excited that she finally got it) Good! So which number is in the one's place?

Allika: (Looking at the number 112) The one.

Me: No Allika, which number is all the way over to the right?

Allika: The two.

Me: (Excitedly again) Right! So, which number is in the one's place?

Allika: The one.

Me: (Starting to get somewhat exasperated) No! What is the one's place?

Allika: I forgot.

Me: The number all the way to the right.

Allika: Oh.

Me: So which number is all the way over to the right?

Allika: The two.

Me: So which number is in the one's place?

Allika: The one.

Me: No, Allika. It's the two. (I know my mother would roll over in her grave if she were dead. She is a firm believer in never giving the answer.)

So we go through a similar process with the ten's and hundred's place. Then, I ask her to write the number one-hundred-and-one. She writes it out like this: 1001. I am beyond frustrated at this point.

In the middle of all this, she is spacing out and getting side-tracked by all manner of things that tickle her fancy...like the light switch.

This leads me to what happened a few days ago. We had said our standard prayer before beginning our school day. Allika had thanked God for the great fun she was having and I had asked for patience and a good attitude.

Things began to rapidly deteriorate as I tried to get her to focus on her work, pay attention, do her best, and have a good attitude. (It's somewhat ironic to me when I yell, "You need to have a good attitude, Allika!!!")

In the middle of this loss of control I was displaying, Allika looked up at me and said, "I guess God didn't answer your prayer, Mom."

"Why?"

"Because you asked him for a good attitude and he didn't give it to you."

*Gulp*

"Allika, he did answer my prayer because I don't have a bad attitude. I'm just trying to be strict with you because you need to do your best and pay attention and work hard and have a good attitude."

*Lie*

Well, I've been thinking a lot about that. A lot. A great amount of a lot.

I realized that so many times I have asked God for something and waited for him to make it happen. I forget that sometimes I am the answer to my own prayer. Is God going to sprinkle me with a good attitude just because I ask him? Is God going to send money from heaven to my friend because I prayed that he would help them through these difficult financial times? Is God going to make my marriage better because I've asked him to show my husband the areas he needs to change?

Maybe.

But just as likely, I will have to make choices to control my behavior when I feel like letting all my emotions hang out.

It's possible that I am the one who God will use to bless my friend in a monetary way.

It could be that God wants me to change my faults, fix my attitude, and love my husband unconditionally through all his weaknesses and imperfections in order to enjoy my marriage.

James 2:14-17 says, "What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, 'Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,' but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself if it is not accompanied by action, is dead."

Last night, I asked my daughter what she would change about our family if she could change one thing.

She said it would be me getting grumpy all the time during school.I told her that she was right, and that was going to change immediately.

Today, I let go of all my exasperation and frustration and corrected her kindly. I made a deliberate choice to only respond softly and gently and to walk away for a while if I thought I would lose it.

Her performance went up by 100%.

She said, "This is the specialist day in a long time."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because you're not being so grumpy anymore."

It looks like God answered my prayer after all.

Tamales

2009-11-29T22:28:00.023-06:00

My sister and I thought it would be fun to make tamales for Thanksgiving this year. We had made them together once before and thought they turned out really yummy, so we decided to do a Mexican Thanksgiving.

Tamales are a difficult thing to make. It's kind of something you get better at the more you do it - like an art. Traditionally, Mexican women learn early how to make tamales for their husbands and families. They are made for special occasions, such as parties and holidays.

You start by making a chicken stock with 3-4 lbs. fresh chicken in 2.5 quarts cold water with 1 large celery rib, 1 green onion, 2 carrots, 1 yellow onion, 1 bunch cilantro stems, 4-5 garlic cloves, .5 tsp. pepper, and 1 tsp. salt. Bring all of this to a boil, reduce heat and simmer for one hour.

You will use the chicken for the chicken filling. We also put a roast in the crock-pot with salt, pepper, onion, and garlic for the beef filling. You can also do pork (which is what the classic tamale is made of), but we didn't.

The next step is to make the Red Chile Sauce. Mix 5 cups of the chicken broth; 1 lb. tomatoes, quartered; 12 oz. white onions, quartered; 6 cloves whole peeled garlic; 6 oz. dried New Mexico chiles, stemmed and seeded; one Tbsp. butter, at room temperature; 1 tsp. salt.

In a stock pot over high heat, bring the stock, tomatoes, onions, and garlic to a boil. Cook for 15 minutes.

Stir the dried chiles into the stock, making sure it covers them. Remove the pan from heat and soak chiles for 15 minutes.

When the mixture is cool, transfer it to a blender until liquefied. Strain through a fine-mesh sieve, pressing on the residue with the back of a ladle to extract all of the chile flavor.

In a large saucepan, reheat the sauce and stir in the butter until it is melted. Stir in the salt.

Now you are ready to add the shredded chicken to half the Mexico Red Chile sauce, .5 tsp. ground cumin, and .25 tsp. cayenne pepper. Do the same with the shredded beef.

Start soaking your corn husks, as they will need to soak in water for 20 minutes before you can use them.

You can either buy prepared masa or make it yourself by using a bag of Masa flour and a 3 lb. tub of Crisco. Mix it all together, then divide into two equal parts. To one part add 1 cup of the beef broth, and to the other half add one cup of the chicken stock. We thought the masa turned out a little too dry, so I would recommend adding more stock. The way to test the masa is to wet your fist in water and press it into the dough; the dough should leave no residue on your hands.

Here are the chicken meat mixture and the beef mixture with the masa mixture.

Next, take a corn husk and place the rough side down, away from you, so that the smoother side is facing you. Place about a quarter cup of the dough on the corn husk. Spread it out over the husk, leaving 1/2-inch borders along the sides. Spoon 1/4 cup of filling down the center of the masa.

This next part we didn't do so well. Lift the sides of the corn husk up to meet each other in the center, and gently press to seal the masa together, making a tube shape that encases the filling. The corn husk should wrap around the roll, but not be embedded in the masa or touching the filling. (We didn't do it exactly like that, but it didn't hurt anything in the outcome.) Fold the top edge of the husk over the end of the roll.

Cover the tamales with plastic wrap and refrigerate for 2 hours.

We put them in this roaster with a couple inches of water in the bottom and covered them with tin foil. Bake at 350 for about 1 hour.

Here is the end result with queso, refried beans, guacamole, and chips. We also served stuffed peppers, enchiladas, salsa, sour cream, and rice...

...and pies.

And the girls had to relax with their parents' laptops after a yummy meal.

Proud Moment

2009-11-22T21:36:00.003-06:00

Here are Allika and her cousin, Tea, at their ballet recital.

A List of Adventures

2009-11-19T17:36:00.025-06:00

There are times when I think I would really like to live out in the country on a large plot of land and just enjoy life from that perspective. The last few weeks have shown me that there are some great advantages to living in a big city, though. There are so many things to do and a lot of them are free. It's been so fun spending time together doing some of those things over the past several weeks.

I am thankful to be a part of a really great home-school coop. One of the things we've done recently is go on a field trip with the rest of the group to the Science Museum. They're having an exhibit on the Titanic right now. We got to see the exhibit and the Imax film on the Titanic, and Allika loved it. She also got to experience the rest of the museum which is hands-on science. I should be honest with you here and let you know that she is not the most focused person. She takes after her mother who does not like to spend a lot of time absorbing one thing when there's so much else to see and do. Poor Van has no hope. He likes to stay at one little, tiny display until he has processed all the information there is to process and then some. Ahh! It just drives me crazy. We are not the cute, little couple walking through the museum, holding hands and discussing what we are seeing. We are the guy who gets very annoyed at the girl for being so impatient and the girl who gets very frustrated at the guy for always being about 25 exhibits behind when there are still 1,000 more things to see. It's very romantic.

Sorry my pictures are blurry. This is the science guy doing his thing. Very cool.

Allika and her friend in front of an iceberg display.

(Wow! Really blurry pictures. Apparently, I don't like standing still in front of a display long enough to take a picture either.)

Another thing we did recently was attend a free college symphony concert that was performing "Peter and the Wolf." They really tried to make it for the children, so they had an instrument "petting zoo" before hand, where the kids could play all the symphony instruments. They also had a little craft and snacks for everyone. It was very nice, and Allika really enjoyed it. The conductor was so cool with the kids. He told them he needed them to help him conduct the symphony for one song, showed them what it involved, and then stepped back and had all the kids in the audience "conduct" for him. It was so cute to see Allika get jiggy with it when the music got really loud and exciting. Van and I were laughing. She kept looking over at us and telling us to stop laughing. It was really hard.

For their performance of "Peter and the Wolf," they had their Opera professor come out and read the story while they showed pictures of it up on the screen. It really made the music come alive for Allika and helped her to appreciate all the instruments and what message they were trying to convey. I was very impressed with everything they did that night.

We also got to go to the free Christian Community Fair last week. It was fun to see all the different Christian ministries in the Twin Cities and learn about the various ways we could get involved. Of course, I wanted to volunteer for everything from mentoring victims of domestic violence to building houses for Habitat for Humanity. Van kind of has to keep me in check because I'm a little unrealistic when it comes to how many more things I can fit into my schedule. What I was really looking for was something we could all do together as a family. I did find some things, so I will be looking into them and keeping you posted.

They had a lot of fun things for the kids, so Allika got to ride a pony for the first time, catch a fish for the first time, jump on the inflatables and do the inflatable obstacle courses, enjoy the petting zoo, see a real bald eagle up close, go on a treasure hunt that she never finished, and a few other things.

Our adoption agency also put on a "Circus of the Heart" for people who are waiting to adopt or who have already adopted. It's just pretty much a big carnival. I thought it would be something that provided more information and opportunities for networking with case-workers. It was fun, though, so I'm not complaining. I always like to do fun things with the family, especially when they're free.

The last recent event I will tell you about was really neat because Allika and Van got to do it together as their date on Tuesday night while I was at school. We are really trying to help her be more outward focused during the holidays instead of just thinking about herself and all her wants. There are several things we are tying to do to accomplish that, and maybe I'll write about them sometime, but one of the things we're doing is looking for service projects we can do for those who don't have all the advantages we have during the holidays. That is why, on Tuesday night, Van and Allika were found making Christmas cards to send to the orphans who don't get any cards during Christmas. It was another event our adoption agency sponsored, and both Allika and Van really thought it was a lot of fun. Allika did find that she is more creative than Van when it comes to making cards.

Anyway, those are some of the things we've been enjoying together lately. I still wouldn't mind living out in the country someday, but until then, I can enjoy whatever I'm doing, wherever I'm doing it as long as I can spend time with my wonderful family...even going to the museum.

Thanksgiving

2009-11-12T14:05:00.006-06:00

I Thessalonians 5:18 says, "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

I know this is the time of year we start thinking more about being thankful, and I think it's a really good idea to have an official time to focus more on all the blessings we have. It's not just a silly platitude when people say that making a list of all you have to be thankful for really changes your whole perspective on life.

One year, I made a little "Thanksgiving Tree." I just got a branch, decorated it, and tied some yarn all over it. Then, I got little pieces of paper and punched holes in them. Everyone was supposed to write down something they were thankful for and tie it to the tree. There was a catch, though. Instead of writing good things they were thankful for, they had to write about things that seemed negative at the time but turned out good in the long run. I thought it turned out really neat to read all about the hard things we had all gone through, knowing we could recognize the good in them.

That's what the verse in I Thessalonians says. It doesn't just say to give thanks; it says to give thanks in all circumstances. That is what can be really hard sometimes. It is easy to thank God for the good things, but do we thank him for the hard times also? It is in the hard times that we are strengthened and caused to grow (James 1:2-4).

In light of these things, I thought I would make a list of what I am thankful for this year, but instead of all the nice things (and there have been boat-loads of those), I thought I would write why I'm thankful for all the tough things we have been through.

1.) I am thankful for...a decrease in income due to Van's losing a part-time position...because it has freed up our schedule a little more and allowed us to be more creative in how we spend our money.

2.) I am thankful for...having ten people choose to place their fellowship with a different church after years of working together and building relationships...because it has caused us to be really introspective about who we are and why we are in the ministry; it has challenged us to be faithful; it has shown us ways that we need to improve; and it has caused us to see the potential in people we were overlooking because we were so focused on the ones we thought would stay and be the pillars.

3.) I am thankful for...being diagnosed with cancer...because it made me think about death and the legacy I wanted to leave behind; it showed me the sweetness and support of my family, church, and friends; it gave me a new perspective on what it's like to have cancer and not know what the outcome will be; and it made me appreciate what I've got even if it's not always what I want.

4.) I am thankful for...having to make some tough decisions about our daughter's emotional health...because it has helped us not to be so judgmental of other parents because we may not know everything that's going on behind the scenes; it has opened the doors to discuss some very deep truths with our daughter that most parents will not get to discuss with their children until they're much older; it has made us have to confront some of the unhealthy and untrue things that we were telling ourselves while we thought we were being perfectly rational.

5.) I am thankful for...the difficult navigation of the adoption process and that we are still waiting for that match...because there is a special child out there somewhere waiting for the love our family can give, and all the time it is taking to bring us together is just preparing our hearts for the perfect moment when the child we've been praying for becomes a part of our family.

So, whether you write a list of all the good things you're thankful for or all the not-so-good things you're thankful for, take the time to notice what God is doing in you're life. He is accomplishing great things in you, even when you may not feel so great about it.

Fall Festival

2009-11-04T17:39:00.017-06:00

Every Halloween our church hosts a Fall Festival to reach out to the community and let them know we're here and we want to serve them. We have a little trunk-or-treat, where we decorate our trunks and the kids can go around and get candy out of them. We also serve food and drinks, set up one of those inflatable jumper thingys, have a drawing, and this year we had a petting zoo. I think the petting zoo was a huge hit. You know, it really got people's attention when they saw a camel in our church parking lot.

The organization and planning of it is a lot of work, so I have been busy for the last few weeks with that and everything else going on. That's my excuse for neglecting you anyway. Sorry.

Here are some pictures for you to enjoy.

Allika holding the guinea pig

Allika and the "scary" gorilla (a.k.a Van)

Allika and her cousin sat in the trunk and handed out candy with their puppets. So cute!

Allika and the llama or camel (not sure which)

The kangaroo

Some of the kids holding some of the animals

The camel

The trunk that won the prize for "Best Trunk."

My sister and neice

Van the man

Our little lion

The costume that won "Best costume."

We did a Noah's Ark theme, so that was fun. We tried to dress up as animals and decorate our trunks with that in mind.

It was fun while it lasted, but glad it's over.

Savior, Please

2009-10-28T15:35:00.004-05:00

I like to think of this song as my life's theme song. It has even more meaning if you listen to it before or after reading Philippians 3:7-14, which I also like to think of as my life's verse.

His Love Through Me

2009-10-26T11:36:00.005-05:00

We recently had a run-in with someone. It is someone who we feel we have done a lot for. Maybe they don't see it that way, but we do. We feel like we have put up with so much from this person and circumstances surrounding this person. They have brought us to tears at times, but we kept giving because we really do love this person.

We have confronted them when we felt they crossed the line, and several times Van has had to go head-to-head with them. There have been times when they have seen the affect they've had on us and have apologized. Other times, they just don't get it. All they see is their perspective, and it can really hurt.

Our most recent issue occurred yesterday. Accusations were made against us that were true, but there was so much more to the story than what this person could see. Childish threats were made to us regarding their involvement in other aspects of our relationship. It made me angry. It made me want to lash out and tell them they were throwing a juvenile temper tantrum because they did not get their way, and when they were done throwing their little childish fit, they could come join us again. Kind of like I tell my six-year-old daughter sometimes.

This person proposed the way that they thought it should be. Their way infringes on our way. Their way is not bad, but there is so much to their way that makes no sense. Their way seems to be an attempt to sabotage our way. Something about that makes me want to dig my heels in and refuse to go along. It doesn't help that this person has annoyed me one too many times. It would be so much easier to go along with them if we didn't already have somewhat of a stand-off going on between us.

This morning I read Philippians 2:1-11. I already knew what it said, but I read it again because I needed to.

"If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross!! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father."

I do have encouragement, comfort, fellowship, tenderness, and compassion in my relationship with my Father. He is my strength and the one I can run to when other people let me down. He is my rock and has wiped many a tear from these eyes of mine.

Therefore, all my rights as a human being are met in him. Actually, he has gone beyond my rights and given me more than I deserve. I can trust him to take complete care of me, body, mind, and spirit. I do not need another person's approval or permission to be whole and complete in Him. No amount of unfairness from another person can cause God to abandon me for that person's agenda. I will rest in his unfailing love.

Because of these truths, I can give in to someone else who may not deserve my compliance. I can allow another person to be right and do things their way instead of mine. These things cannot shake who I am in Christ and what secret whisperings we share between us. He says, "You know they aren't happy. Give them a reason to smile."

I giggle and say, "They're kind of cute in their own little frustrating way, aren't they?"

Then he says something that takes my breath away. "What they've done to you, you have done to me so many times in our relationship. I have loved you and loved you and served you and served you and bent over backwards for you time and time again. Yet, you still get grouchy with me sometimes and ignore me and deny me and throw fits. You refuse to do things my way so many times because you think your way is better. You have made accusations against me that I cannot refute because they are true, but there is so much more to what I am doing that you cannot see.
Even though you have done and still do all these things to me, though, I will still choose to love you. I will still choose to serve you. I will still move heaven and earth to help you be a better person. It is not because you deserve it. It's because that's who I AM."

I answer back in a humbled whisper, "You are so right."

I will give in to them. I will do it their way. I will consider them better than myself. I will look to their interests. I will smile at them and help them to feel the unconditional love I have felt so many times before. It is not because they deserve it. It's because that's who I am.

In Loving Memory of Susan Kennedy Brande

2009-10-21T15:55:00.004-05:00

Here is the eulogy that my mother wrote and read at my grandmother's funeral. I am so amazed by this wonderful lady and the legacy she left behind.

Mom, Mimi, Aunt Suzi, Suzi, Mrs. Brande: A woman who would not have wanted a eulogy, but we have come to celebrate her live & celebrate I shall.

She lived well & loved well to the max.Even at the end of her life, her mind was full of the things she had lived for - her husband, her children, her home and her garden& her travels. Her memories were sweet because she was a kind, sweet woman.
Mom never had a harsh word for, or about, anyone - even one of us. She was such a
positive, upbeat lady. From a teenager's perspective, I thought she allowed herself to be used as a doormat. She always shrugged her shoulders & said she preferred it that way. I just couldn't understand that. But she did it for the love of peace & contentment.

And I think of the 3 meals per day that she cooked for 8-10 hungry mouths (never did she send out for pizza or Chinese); all the whole wheat bread she made (6 loaves a week); all the homemade yogurt (4-8 quarts per week); homemade power drink every morning for breakfast with brewer's yeast, fresh milk, vanilla, honey , or molasses - that we kids had to eat because Dad said so. Do any of the rest of you consider these all as “comfort foods” now, as I do?

The things she did for Dad - (incomplete) besides cooking all those natural foods - attending monthly VNFFA meetings, attending weekly Small Holders' breakfasts, milking, haying, moving cattle, running farm errands.

The things she did for us kids - her biggest thing for us was making sure we all got to our activities that she wanted us involved in & riding lessons, piano lessons, 4-H, Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, violin & cello lessons, ballet lessons, after-school activities, theater activities, soccer, hockey, & she joined us for rousing games of football, baseball, soccer, & ice hockey in our backyard. She was an
incredible athlete! And remember the woolen ski socks, hats & mittens she would knit for us? And they were not “have to” items. She could have bought them, but she wanted to knit. Where did she find the time for this? And she even took a quick nap in the afternoon. She'd sit on the couch & doze off in the midst of us kids & our eternal chaos. But, of course! She had been to bed late, risen with a troubled child or 2 in the night & then gotten up early. Good thing she could fall asleep at anytime and any place!

And the incredible, un -trumpeted things she did for this community:
1. Girl Scouts
2. Smith Sales
3. The Middlebury Food Coop
4. Making & delivering soup to shut-ins
5. Court diversion for 1sst-time offenders
6. Assisting refugees at assimilating into community
7. Crop Walk assistant
8. ACCAG - Add. Cty. Community Action Grp.
9. Sheldon Museum docent
10. Cornwall school Board
11. School bus driving - “Mom, you've raised all these
kids, & now you choose to drive school bus!”

Mom gave so much of herself to us (her family) & to her community. We have so much to celebrate. I praise God for this mother & friend of ours.

I have some big shoes to fill, following in the footsteps of such hard-working, sacrificial, and life-embracing women.

Poor Girl

2009-10-19T14:48:00.003-05:00

I have this problem with people thinking I have taken their stuff when I haven't.

One time, this lady I know came up to me and asked me for her old black-and-white family heirloom picture back. She said she had loaned it to me for a project I was doing on period costume. I was stunned. I did not have her picture nor was I doing a project on period costume. When I informed her of these facts, she was insistent that I indeed had borrowed her picture and she needed it back because it was very important to her. What was I to do? I couldn't produce her precious picture, and she was not happy with me about it. It wasn't until later that she remembered it was someone else she had loaned it to.

Another time, I got a call from a friend of mine who wanted to use the Halloween costume she had loaned me for my daughter. I was at a loss because she had not loaned me a Halloween costume. She was so sure she had that I began to doubt myself and started digging through all of Allika's clothes looking for a bumblebee costume. I was relieved when I got the call that my friend remembered it was her sister-in-law she had loaned it to - not me.

Still another time, I returned a bowl and lid in which someone had given me some food. A few weeks later she asked me if I still had the lid to her bowl because it was one of her favorites and she would really like to have it back. I was horrified because I knew for a fact I did not have it, but there was no way to prove that. Fortunately, she did find her lid tucked away somewhere a few days later.

And do you all remember the incidence with the academic adviser, who believed me to have the schedule that I never received from her and proceeded to make it very difficult for me to get another one? I guess that's kind of a different category, but I'm still a little sore about it.

I actually have a few more stories along these same lines, but I'm sure you are getting the picture.

I don't know if this phenomenon happens to anyone else, and if it does, whether it bothers you, but I can attest to the fact that it causes me great stress and discomfort. I do not like people thinking that I am deliberately or irresponsibly keeping something of theirs that I never had in the first place.

I have thought about a policy of never being in possession of anyone's property. That way when someone accuses me of having kept their valued possessions, I can simply say, "That couldn't possibly be me. I have a "anti-other people's property policy." The only problem with that solution is that it doesn't work. You cannot exist on this earth and never borrow anything, have a loan thrust upon you by some well-meaning friend, or somehow come in contact with another person's stuff.

I guess, technically, you could if you wanted to be really mean and grouchy to everyone, but I don't. Thus, I came to the conclusion that I shall valiantly suffer this burden of being falsely accused of keeping one's heirlooms and the like. I will smile, try to reason with them, and endure their anger with me.

This was until yesterday, that is.

My daughter and I made the twelve-hour trip to Oklahoma this weekend to attend a friend's wedding in which my daughter was a flower girl. It was a lot of fun to see old friends and visit a little bit. I just wish we could have gotten to spend more time with people. That's just not possible when there is so much going on during wedding preparations and all. I enjoyed the little bit of time I got, though.

What does this have to do with the pocketing of people's possessions policy (PPPP)? I am about to tell you.

My daughter was an absolute angel for the whole trip. I couldn't have asked for a better traveling buddy. She was nigh unto perfect. I say "nigh" because there were no issues the whole way down and all the way back until we got a little way from home. It was then that we had our first incident, and would you like to know what it was about?

She had been listening to her Ramona books on tape (which I secretly enjoy, as well). Instead of putting them back in the tape case, however, she was tossing them around the car and getting the next tape out to listen to(not in order, mind you, much to my chagrin). Finally, I insisted that she give me all her tapes strewn around the back seat, and I put them back in their cases. I distinctly remember that their was one tape slot which remained empty because I had not been given the appropriate tape for that slot. This is a very important piece of information.

A short time later, Allika said, "Mom, why did you lose my Romona the Brave tape?"

"I didn't."

"Yes, you did. I gave it to you, and you lost it."

Then, something happened that I cannot explain. It was like all the emotions and feelings came tumbling out which had been bottled up inside of me for all those years of being accused of keeping something I had never had. It was both an extremely traumatic and healing moment for me.

"I did not, Allika, and don't accuse me of losing a tape that you lost because you didn't put it away."

"No, I gave it to you. I know I gave it to you."

This is about the time that I snapped and became overly emotional about the whole situation. "How on earth do you think you can know that you gave me that tape? Did you read every single one of those tapes before you gave them to me? I'm the one who knows what tapes you gave me, and you did not give me that tape. Now, you better sit there and be quiet and don't talk about it again or I'm going to take every single one of your tapes away, and you won't get to listen to anything!!!"

Silence ensued.

So, I figure it was a great trip other than that one little psychotic display by this very delusional mother.

My poor daughter is stuck with me for a long time. Bless her heart.

A Cultural and Spiritual Experience

2009-10-09T20:06:00.005-05:00

Remember a while back when I mentioned my Liberian friends coming over and singing and praying over me? Well, they did it again. The day I found out I was cancer free, one of them called to hear what the report was. When my husband told her, she informed us that they were all coming over. At first, I didn't know quite what to think because it was 10:00 at night and my daughter was in bed trying to go to sleep. Once again, I was a little less than thrilled about their timing.

There was a pretty good-sized group that came over and sat in my living room waiting for me to get out of the shower. I could hear them in there singing and couldn't help but smile. When I came out of the bathroom, my daughter had gotten out of bed to see what the commotion was all about, and she was sitting on a chair in the living room, along with my husband, taking the whole scene in.

The group of them surrounded me with hugs and tears and were so happy that I had been healed. It was quite a demonstrative and dramatic response - very different from any of the reactions I had received from my American friends.

I did get some of the singing recorded, but I didn't want to seem too disrespectful by recording while they were praying. They took it very seriously and were not trying to entertain, so I didn't want them to think I thought it was all a big show. Here is some of what I recorded.

Just like before, I was blessed beyond anything a quiet night at home would have accomplished.

Blessings and Cursings

2009-10-07T16:22:00.002-05:00

The sexy computer technician fixed my computer. It's nice to have such a sexy computer technician to live with. Now, I just need to make him some stuffed jalapenos.

I went to a Ladies' Retreat this last weekend. It was just what I needed. It was actually something I helped to organize so I was a little stressed out going into it (and even secretly wanted to play hooky from it), but I am so glad I went. The theme was on being a blessing, and I was very convicted of how much I need to bless others. The definition of blessing is to bestow favor on someone. Our goal should be to help each person with whom we come in contact to realize the favor that God has for them. Whether it is a smile, a touch, a gift, an extension of grace, a kind word, a soft re-direction, etc., we should try to remind others of how important they are to God no matter who they are. One thing that really made an impact on me was hearing that criticizing others is the equivalent of cursing them. I had never heard that before, but the Bible verse makes more sense now when it says, "How can blessings and cursings come from the same mouth?"

It really made me stop and think that I pride myself in the fact that I don't cuss people out, but I am a very critical person. In light of the new meaning of cursing, I have a tendency to bless people one minute and curse them the next, or to bless them to their face and curse them behind their back. This makes me a very fickle and unstable person. So, I am really going to try to be less critical of others and of circumstances.

I also learned that favor is not dependent on a person's behavior, and bestowing favor can actually transform undesirable actions into desirable ones. The Israelites blessed their children every week on the Sabbath from the time they were born until they grew up. They compared them to their ancestors and reminded them of their heritage. Can you imagine the difference this positive affirmation had on these Jewish children? I realized that I need to bless my daughter more instead of constantly correcting her. Not that correction isn't warranted, but when it is not mixed with blessing, it becomes criticism and is detrimental.

When I got home from the wonderful time at the Ladies' Retreat, my husband had surprised me with tickets to the Michael W. Smith concert (but I had already figured it out because I'm sneaky like that). It was so nice of him, and I had an amazing time. M.W.S. is one of the best facilitators of worship I have ever seen. I think I was getting caught up in analyzing the dynamics of the event instead of just participating in the event, but that is sometimes more fun for me. I like figuring out why things work the way they do in people's brains.

It has been a very busy month and will continue to be, but I promise I will do better at posting. So check back over the next couple of days to see a video of my Liberian friends singing and praying over me after hearing the news that I was cancer free and to read my grandmother's eulogy, written by my mother.

Famous Quotes

2009-09-30T15:26:00.009-05:00

Not only has my life been crazy, but my computer went ka-pooey. Since my husband's computer is attached at the hip, it is very difficult to get any time to post a blog. At this moment, I have procured said husband's computer and am attempting to write a quick post before he awakens from his wife-induced coma and comes after me.

Well, I'm sure you don't need a play by play of the craziness that is called my life. Therefore, I will keep it simple by just saying that we have been keeping all the doctors and vets in business here in Minnesota, what with my daughter's breaking of the arm and my doggy's siezuring of the body.

The main thing I thought I would share with you, in list form (because lists are my friends), are some of the things my daughter has been sharing with us. Some of them have made me bust a gut and some have made me cringe, but here is a sample of what we experience every hour of every day.

Allika: Can I please have cheese instead of grapes for a snack?

Daddy: No, Allika. If you want a snack, you can have grapes.

Allika: But, Daddy, I'm not hungry for grapes. I'm hungry for cheese.

Daddy: Allika. The answer is no. You may have grapes, and that's all.

Allika: Well, what would Jesus say if he were my daddy?

***************

Nurse: Do you say your name "A-lec-uh" or "A-leek-uh"?

Allika: It's up to you what you want to call me. Either one is fine. Or

you can call me "A-kill-i-kuh" too if you want to.

***************

Doctor: Hi. So you broke your arm, huh?

Allika: (Reading nametag) Is your name, Joe?

Doctor: (Chuckling) Yes, it is.

Allika: Well, my name is Allika and I'm smart.

*****************

Allika: Sometimes, people don't believe me when I tell them things.

Receptionist: Really? They don't?

Allika: Yeah. Like when I tell them I ate sand, they don't believe me.

But I have ate sand before. It tasted like candy, too.

*****************

Allika: This is the same hospital my sister was born in.

Nurse: Really?

Allika: Yeah, but she died.

Nurse: Oh dear. Where is she now?

Allika: She's in heaven.

Nurse: That's right. She's in a better place.

Allika: Yeah. And she's also buried at the cemetery.

Nurse: Do you get to go see her at the cemetery a lot.

Allika: Well, it's not close to our house. But when I grow up and I have

a daughter and she dies, I'm going to bury her close to my house.

Nurse: Oh. That's nice.

******************

What can I say? Life is always exciting with a six-year-old.

Transition

2009-09-24T15:53:00.005-05:00

Just a quick post to let you all know I haven't forgotten about you. I'm just trying to figure out how to transition from being about cancer to being about other things.

I contemplated quitting my blog since I don't have cancer anymore, but, as my profile states, this is a blog about my spiritual journey which is more than just having cancer. Believe it or not, it is kind of difficult switching gears. I guess this is my attempt at going about it.

So, for those of you who were just following for cancer updates, I am moving on from those to post about other things I am learning in this exciting adventure I am on. I have appreciated your being along on this journey up until now. You have been so invaluable to me in dealing with everything. Writing was so good for me in processing all my thoughts and emotions. Having someone there to read what I wrote made me feel like there might be some significance to this whole thing after all.

I would love to have each of you continue to join me and leave all your lovely comments. If you do not wish to do so, I have enjoyed having you along thus far.

Here's to a cancer-free blog.

Breathing is Good

2009-09-18T21:14:00.004-05:00

It's over, and this fat lady is singing ever so loudly.

The doctor called today with the test results. After a summer full of biopsies (2), surgeries (2), recovery, low-iodine diet, radiation, lab work, medications, body scans, and more, the cancer has not spread, and I am officially cancer-free.

I almost feel like I made it up that the doctor said the cancer had most likely spread, and I would probably have to have more procedures done. That all sounds so impossible and silly now. But I did not make it up. I know for a fact that is what I heard.

God is so good to me.

I had already decided that he is good no matter what. Even if the results weren't what I wanted (which I was prepared for) it would not have changed his goodness.

I know there were so many praying. People I didn't even know would write me and tell me they were praying for me. Whole churches and camps were praying for me. You can never imagine what all of you have meant to me. Thanks for the cards, calls, comments, and prayers. People would ask me what they could do for me. All I ever wanted was prayer. I could never have done this on my own. A thousand times never.

Getting the news kind of felt a little anti-climactic, like it was just another day. It's not just another day though; It is the first day of the rest of my life. I told Van I felt like we needed to shoot off fireworks or something. We laughed, knowing that we would have to find a way to celebrate without fireworks.

We went for a long, brisk walk after dark. It felt so good. When we got home, we all went to go get ice cream and a movie.

As we were driving home, we happened to look over, and much to our surprise, there was a fireworks show. Right down the street!! We knew they were for us. I guess we got our fireworks after all.

My Aunt Mary kept telling me not to forget to breathe. Now I know what she meant. I have been holding my breath for three months without realizing it. I suppose I went into autopilot mode and did what I had to do to keep my head above the water. I never read up on what things meant. If I had read what it really could mean, I would have been a basket case. I didn't even ask the doctors too many questions. I just took what they said and tried to believe the best about it. I didn't want to think too deeply about the possibilities. I know there are some who want to know all the ins and outs and ups and downs of their diagnosis, treatment, and prognosis, but not me. Call it denial. Call it laziness. Call it survival.

Whatever you call it, it's over now. I can breathe again.

Saint Van

2009-09-16T20:48:00.003-05:00

Today was my first day out of isolation. This morning Allika said, "Momma gets to act normal today."

So many things I could say about that.

I wish I had taken a picture of my little radioactive corner. Once I touched something, it became radioactive and couldn't leave the area I was in, so I was rapidly being taken over by dishes, laundry, trash, etc. It was good to get it all out of here today.

Allika came home Sunday night. We still had 3 days of "limited contact." She did really well, considering, but didn't like it one bit.

Our little doggy couldn't understand what was going on, either. We had to keep her in Allika's room because she would come straight to me if she was allowed out. It made it worse for her the nights that Allika was gone. She is happily stretched out beside me right now as I type.

Poor Van. Bless his heart. He had to do everything. It was hard for me to watch him running around like a chicken with its head cut off while I was perfectly capable of helping but couldn't. He got so stressed out. He had to take care of his normal duties plus cook, clean, take care of Allika and the dog, run errands, etc. I remember one time when he made breakfast, served me, fed Allika and got her ready for the day, started her schoolwork while he did dishes and cleaned up, worked with her until she was done, immediately started cooking lunch, fed me and her, didn't even have time to eat because he had to make some time-sensitive calls, cleaned up after lunch, and had to take care of other responsibilities with his job while trying to keep Allika occupied and away from me. The whole time, I'm just sitting in my corner reading a book.

Someday I will make a confession about the awful way I added to his stress by insisting he butter my toast as soon as it comes out of the toaster instead of waiting until it got cold.

I know. Ridiculous. It was not one of my proudest moments.

I did get rather cross sometimes sitting there, doing nothing. No excuses. Just keepin' it real here.

I got quite a bit of my booklist read. Do you know what that means? Lots of material floating around in my brain that has to go somewhere. And what better place than here with all of you, my lovely friends?

Van laughs when I read a book. It's probably a good thing I don't read more than I do. I have to share every profound thing I read with him. When I finish a book, I exclaim profusely over its goodness and insist that he read it, as well. This is because the book is making inroads into my thought processes and I want us to discuss these things and be on the same page together. It's relational. I do the same thing with my food.

"You've got to try this!!"

"I don't want to."

"Please just take a bite?"

"Tani, I'm fine with what I ordered."

"But you don't know what you're missing. It would mean so much to me if you would just try it."

He usually relents. Then, much to his chagrin, I like to try his, too.

Life is all about sharing and experiencing things together.

Raise your hand if you think Van's a saint.

Seize the Day

2009-09-14T12:28:00.019-05:00

Time to share another song with you, My Dearies. I process so many of my experiences through music, writing, and reading; naturally, therefore, they will go hand in hand on my blog.

This song has been one of my favorites since I was a teenager. It makes me smile every time I hear it. I like to imagine that I am so living out this song, but realistically, I have a long way to go.

Isn't she just the cutest thing with her chipmunk cheeks and twinkly eyes? I love the part where she plays air guitar.

Does anyone mind if I try to get a little philosophical here? Keeping in mind that sometimes I really don't know what I'm talking about when I think that I do.

Okay. Thank you.

*Clearing throat*

Haven't we all heard some variation of the cliche, "Seize the day"?

"Carpe diem." (That's for those who can't just say "seize the day" in their own native tongue but think saying it in Latin, or maybe it's French, makes them sound cooler.)

"Pursue your dreams."

"Reach for the stars."

"Become all you were meant to be."

"Don't sell yourself short."

Yada, yada, yada. (Interestingly, this phrase can mean many different things, "seize the day" being only one of them.)

Anyhow, we hear the mandate from so many different sources. It's volume is as if a stadium is full of spectators, shouting in unison as we play the game of life, "Seize the day! Seize the day! Seize the day! Seize the day!"

And we get all inspired.

And we sit there, responding cheerfully, "Okay...umm...okay...ummm...sure."

But we really aren't sure...of how to do it or where to begin.

It's as if the day never quite wanted to be seized in the first place.

Before we know it, we've lived a good portion of our life without a legacy to show for it, and we wonder what happened to our inspiration and determination.

When did we deviate from the path of noble pursuits and life-changing actions to one of frantically trying to get as much as possible for ourselves so we can...what? Be comfortable? How boring. Run from our mission? How purposeless. Fit in? How shallow. Leave something for our kids? How crippling.

My advice? Make a difference, not a fortune.

If your fortune is your difference, it certainly can't be that way by keeping it all to yourself. Furthermore, how can it be your legacy if you sold your soul (or your identity) in the process of obtaining it?

So, my point is, everyone needs to send me all of their money.

All kidding aside...(okay, some)I thought since I have everything figured out, I would share with you some practical steps to the seizing of the day.

Step One (1): Ask your creator and designer what it was you were created and designed for. I know it would have been nice if he would have just told you from the beginning and then, we wouldn't have had to make any of these mistakes and such. However, since he did try to tell us from the beginning and we went ahead and made the mistakes and such anyway, let's go back to square one and ask him to go over that part again with us. Here is a good question you could ask: "What do you want to do with me? How do you want to use me? Would you please show me? And if you have to knock me upside the head, would you please do that?" Okay, that was four questions, but work with me here.

I promise. I PROMISE! I SO VERY MUCH IN EVERY WAY PROMISE! that he will answer that question. If he never does another thing in your life, he WILL answer that question.

Step Two (2): Start sensing the burden(s) on your heart. The answer will come in the form of a very real burden. It will not just be a "swoosh" through your sub-conscious. It will be something very tangible that you feel inside yourself for someone or something. It could be something very small, like cleaning the flea-infested toilet at your neighbor's house (although I would classify that as huge). It could be something big, like building an orphanage for all the war orphans in post-war Liberia. Or maybe you just feel a real burden to scratch you nose. Chances are, you will start small, and once you've proven yourself faithful in the small things, he will give you bigger missions.

Step Three (3): Go do it. Don't let lack of results, others' criticism, your own insecurities, etc. stand in your way. Just do it for no other reason than it was a burden you sensed on your heart after you asked him to show you.

If you don't do it, he will keep getting louder and louder and putting more and more indications out there that this is what you should do.

Now, sometimes there are processes involved. Take said orphanage, for example. You can feel the burden and know it is something for you to do, but you may not be able to just hop on the next plane. There may be finances to raise, skills to learn, current missions to complete, etc. In spite of these, however, you begin to take steps to reach your goal, all along seeking his guidance because...

Lo and behold! Sometimes he changes the mission on you. He leads you down one path because that path will lead to this turn, and that turn will lead to a bend in the road, and before you know it, you're going in a completely different direction.

It's just one of the many surprises and mysteries along the way. It can get a little iffy at times, but, more than anything, it's rather exciting and adventurous.

Now, I won't reveal any more of the secrets. You'll just have to venture out on your own to learn them yourself.

One note of caution: If you have to sell your children into prostitution to realize God's plan for your life, it was probably your own plan for your life. I know that's a bit of a hyperbolic example, but I'm just sayin'. Work within the system, People. Work. Within. The. System. (WWTS)

There. I am done waxing philosophical. Hope you enjoyed my little exhortation.

Please stand as we sing our closing song.

Quarantine

2009-09-12T10:16:00.007-05:00

I should have brought my camera. But I'm not a camera-type person, and so, I didn't remember to. It really was a very unique experience, though, that no one can visualize without seeing it.

When you walk into the room, you feel like you are going into a danger zone or something: blue pads taped to the whole floor; saran wrap on the toilet seat, faucets, phone, remote, bed, chair, etc.; lead shields to keep radiation from entering the adjoining rooms; a sign that reads, "no visitors beyond this point"; red bins with orange "radioactive" signs; warning signs on the door and elsewhere.

So much fanfare for a gray horse-pill that they brought to me in this vault-like container. They had to open a compartment to open another compartment to open yet another compartment to get to the pill.

After swallowing it, they had to take measurements of me and the area all around my room to test the levels of radiation. I didn't feel at all different. I was just sitting there, so benign and innocent, yet so dangerous and infectious.

They said I might experience nausea, dry mouth, and pain at the cancer site, but I didn't experience any of it. I really felt very good. The most traumatic part of the whole thing was being isolated. It was so hard to just have to lay there and read a book and have people cook for me and wait on me and fuss over me. Very traumatic.

I think the hospital staff was a little confused. Everyone kept telling me something different.

"Don't use anything you don't want to leave here."

"You can use it, just wear gloves."

"You don't have to wear gloves as long as no one else will be touching it after you."

Some nurses would use a separate stethoscope from their own, while others would use their own. Some nurses would completely suit up, while others would just wear gloves. Some would come in, announcing that they couldn't get close and hurriedly do what they had to do and leave. Others would come in and stand by me for five minutes. One nurse kept checking my input and output. The rest didn't care how many times I went to the bathroom or ate. One nurse didn't even wear gloves and said he only had to if he was handling bodily fluids.

I don't know what to make of all that. Just relating the facts. No one seemed to know what the protocol was.

I was only in the hospital for 24 hours. My numbers were better than the acceptable level the next day. The guy measuring my levels said, "Your surgeon did a really good job removing all the thyroid. It's a very precise surgery and difficult to get everything without hitting nerves, vocal chords, or parathyroids."

"I know. I had a wonderful surgeon," I said.

This is a theme I keep hearing from the different doctors I see: "Your surgeon did a wonderful job."

So, I am home now. I still have to stay 6 feet away from everyone. Children are most susceptible to the radiation. Allika went to stay with her cousin for a few days. She was having a little trouble remembering to keep her distance. She was very upset that she couldn't hug me. That was hard for me because she was crying and saying that it made her feel bad not to be able to hug me. So, she went and got me a rose. It was her own idea, and she picked it out all by herself, announcing to everyone that her mother had cancer and she couldn't be close to her. She is such a sweetie-pie.

The next thing we will have to do is a body scan on Thursday to see if the iodine only went to the neck or if it went anywhere else. If it went anywhere else, that's where the cancer spread.

I get to have a new experience on Wednesday that I've never had before (hence, the newness of it). I get to take a laxative in preparation for my body scan.

I love new experiences.

Quote

2009-09-11T13:42:00.004-05:00

I don't really feel like posting a long update, but I will say that all is well. In fact, things are better than expected. Sometimes, I get tired of talking about me and my health, though.

I promise I will update you soon, but in the meantime, I hope you will allow me to simply share this excerpt from my reading today.

Jesus hath many lovers of His heavenly kingdom, but few bearers of His Cross. He hath many seekers of comfort, but few of tribulation. He findeth many companions of His table, but few of His fasting. All desire to rejoice with Him, few are willing to undergo anything for His sake. Many follow Jesus that they may eat of His loaves, but few that they may drink of the cup of His passion.

Many are astonished at His Miracles, few follow after the shame of His Cross. Many love Jesus so long as no adversities happen to them. Many praise Him and bless Him, so long as they receive any comforts from Him. But if Jesus hide Himself and withdraw from them a little while, they fall either into complaining or into too great dejection of mind.

But they who love Jesus for Jesus' sake, and not for any consolation of their own, bless Him in all tribulation and anguish of heart as in the highest consolation. And if He should never give them consolation, nevertheless they would always praise Him and always give Him thanks.
Thomas A Kempis, The Imitation of Christ

This reminds me of something my husband has said: "Do we love the gift more than we love the giver of the gift?"

My happiness comes from the gifts; my joy comes from knowing and loving the giver of those gifts.

Book List

2009-09-09T13:55:00.003-05:00

I love to read. Lately, however, I haven't had time to read anything. Well, except for textbooks.
So, my plan is to read several books while I am quarantined from the rest of humanity.

My book list is as follows:

Henri Nouwen: His Life and Vision by Michael O'Laughlin (It has pictures, too)

When Invisible Children Sing by Dr. Chi Huang

Broken Children, Grown-Up Pain by Paul Hegstrom, Ph.D.

Surrender: The Heart God Controls by Nancy Leigh DeMoss

A Mother's Grief Observed by Rebecca Faber

The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne

The Sacred Romance: Drawing Closer to the Heart of God by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge

Left to Tell: Discovering God Amidst the Rwandan Holocaust by Immaculee Ilibagiza

My husband is also planning on downloading some of my favorite tunes (I feel so cool using that word instead of "songs" or "music") for my listening pleasure. Plus I have rented a few movies to watch, so we should be all set for this here shin dig.

I don't know if I will be able to post while I'm in the hospital because they say radiation comes out of my fingers onto the keys of my computer and will render it unusable for a week. I'm the bionic woman.

Anyway, we will see. It could be a day or a week until I visit with you again, my dear friends. I understand those words will put some of you into major depression and withdrawals, and I apologize for that.

Until next time, squeezes and smooches.

God is in Control

2009-09-08T12:08:00.003-05:00

What a great day! Besides running out of gas on the way home from the doctor's office, it has been so good. Even that was a blessing in disguise, but I'll expound more on that later.

Everything is a go. My iodine levels are better than perfect. The doctor was looking for 100 or less, and they are 44. Woo hoo!

The next thing I'm about to tell you is medical terminology that I really don't understand very well, so I am probably over-simplifying it, mis-spelling it, and otherwise, getting it wrong. C'mon people, my degree is in philosophy, not medicine.

Thyroglobin or globulin or goblins are typically, under normal circumstances, supposed to be at 40. We, however, want that number to be really low for the radioactive iodine because we don't want very much thyroid tissue (thyroid tissue equals cancer) to have to absorb the radiation. The less tissue the more absorption of radiation by the tissue, leading to the more killing of the cancer cells.

Well, my number is at 1.4!!! That is such good news. It means that my wonderful, amazing, awesome, God-sent surgeon did a marvelous job of removing most of the cancerous thyroid tissue. I'm telling you people, I couldn't have picked a better doctor to do my surgeries if I had been in control of the situation myself. I even contemplated switching doctors because the one I had was fresh out of training and didn't have as much experience. I believe he had done 13 of these surgeries apart from his internships and college training, which would add several more to that number.

I chose not to switch because I realized that my trust was not in doctors but in the God who worked through the doctors. I could have the most highly trained surgeon on the planet, and, if God so chose, my surgery could be botched. On the other hand, I could have the surgeon with the worst skills, and if it was within God's will and timing, all would go smoothly.

I know this is a hard concept for some to grasp (it was for me once, too), but I believe it with all my heart.

I do believe my doctor will go far in his career and be a great name in his field someday. He has all the makings of a top-notch doctor. I can't believe how humble he is about the spectacular work he did. He said it was just something he liked to do. Not a big deal.

Well, it's a big deal to me. Thanks, Doc!

I love my doctors, and I love my God, who brought them into my life.

Control is an Illusion

2009-09-07T19:21:00.003-05:00

Well, tomorrow I go to get my first THS shot. I am not really even sure what it does, but it takes the place of going off my thyroid medication for 3 weeks. I do have to go off my medication for a little while but nothing compared to what it would have been without the shots.

There was a big fiasco over the testing of my iodine levels, and I won't know whether they are low enough or not until tomorrow morning when I go in for the shot. The doctor said that if they weren't low enough, he can increase the THS dosage to make up for it. It makes me kind of nervous wondering whether everything is going to be okay, but I am learning not to fret so much about things.

I had to remind myself of that perspective on Friday at 4:00 PM when I started stressing out about whether I would be able to have my treatment this week or not. I was not the most pleasant patient while trying to get everything straightened out with the receptionist. Bless her heart. I felt really bad after hanging up, but I had taken the time off of work and juggled my schedule all around to prepare for this week, so life just has to go the way I want it to.

Reality check. It doesn't.

Perspective check. It's okay.

Bottom line. If things aren't a go for this week, there is a reason. Life will go on. Whatever happens will happen. If I lose my job for taking too much time off, I was supposed to lose my job for some reason. God is in control.

Why do I get so worked up about things beyond my control? It is a good lesson to learn. I am learning it the hard way.

Incidentally, the lady I was talking to at the doctor's office was so nice. She was so patient and understanding with me. When she called back with some new info, I was apologetic and mentioned that I was just getting a little bit nervous. She understood. I was impressed.

*Sigh* It's nice to have someone get it.

Success

2009-09-04T20:03:00.004-05:00

This is something I have on my desk (along with papers and books piled three feet high). Although I don't believe it's an exhaustive list, I like what it says and want to share it with you.

Success
To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

If I Could Smack Cancer in the Face...

2009-09-02T16:09:00.007-05:00

They say that an iodine deficiency affects your intellectual capabilities, so I am taking that one and running with it. I have already attempted three different posts and can't seem to get the words I write to say what I am thinking. I start out just fine, but once I get going, I start making no sense. At least I have an excuse now.

They also say that thyroid cancer patients report feelings of exhaustion 50% (I think but I could just be making that up due to my iodine deficiency) more than other cancer patients. I can believe that, but maybe I'm just feeling worn out for other reasons.

Like the swollen lymph node on the left side of my neck that hurts every time I laugh. Is it something from the surgery? Is it all the infection that would have otherwise gone to the now non-existent lymph nodes on the right side of my neck? Or is it more cancer? These are some of the pleasant thoughts I think.

I had to do a 24-hour urine collection yesterday at the same time that I was potty-training two-year-old twins. I will spare you some of the more unpleasant details, but it involves a little hat you have to put on the toilet and a little jug you have to put in the refrigerator. The fact that I had to do it during a 10-hour work day was all due to a mis-communication between the lab tech and my nurse. Today, it is nice to be able to go to the bathroom in the simple manner to which I am accustomed. It is interesting to learn all the things we take for granted. So, go enjoy your bathroom today (and hug your kids, too).

I have lost 30 lbs. and still counting. That doesn't get me close to where I need to be, but it gives me a start.

Now that I have unloaded all the negative news on you poor, innocent, unsuspecting readers, I have some good news to share.

I took my friend to the doctor the other day. She had a third of her lung removed one-and-a-half weeks ago due to cancer. They said she would be out of commission for a good 6 weeks, and in the nursing home for at least 3-4 weeks after surgery.

Well, she was in the hospital for one week and the nursing home for four days. The doctor sent her home the day I took her in to see him.

It was such a privilege to be with her when she received the news that she was going home and to watch her float about 6 feet off the ground. She was crying and so excited that she made me start crying, as well.

God is so good. She believes it to be a miracle that she is doing so well so soon. We've certainly all been praying for her.

It's been kind of an interesting set of circumstances surrounding me and her. We attend church together, and she found out she had lung cancer only a short time after I found out that I had cancer. We have kind of been in this thing together. She gives me permission to be real and helps me realize how much worse things could be.

I am so thankful for the blessing she is to me, and just wanted to share the good news about her recovery.

My Little Sister

2009-08-30T15:54:00.020-05:00

My sister has a beautiful heart that is often misunderstood. She loves to help others and does it in very quiet ways without a lot of bells and whistles. She likes to work behind the scenes, doing things that others don't always recognize as needing to be done or aren't able to do.

Recently, she has been volunteering her time, singing with a group of people who go to hospitals, nursing homes, and people's residences and minister with music to those who are terminally ill.

This week, I was surprised by a package that arrived in the mail from my sister which contained this:

It is a collection of some of the music they sing to those who are dying.

I immediately put it in my CD player and listened to the whole thing. It was wonderful and I picked my favorites out right away.

Of course my absolute favorite is the one featuring her as the soloist. It helps that it is a song I grew up singing and reminds me of the times I sang it at the top of my lungs in church. It also makes me think a little bit about what heaven will be like when we all get to sing our hearts out...together...forever.

Proceeds from the sale of this CD go to benefit the hospice organization in Rutland. I used to volunteer for hospice and my grandmother, who recently passed away, was taken care of by some pretty special hospice workers right up until her death. Needless to say, I think a great deal of them and what they do for people with terminal illness.

I strongly encourage everyone to purchase a copy of this CD, whether you like the music or not. Your money is going to a good organization, and you never know when you might be the one on the receiving end of their services.

Here is my favorite song on the CD: "I'll Fly Away," featuring My Little Sister.

If you are interested in purchasing a copy, you can call Rutland Area Visiting Nurse Association and Hospice at 802-770-1537.

Does Anyone Mind if I Scream?

2009-08-26T21:40:00.005-05:00

My summer has not gone as planned.

I know. Huge news flash, right?

It has been filled with surgeries and doctor's appointments and recoveries and schedule-jugglings and stuff.

I wanted it to be this totally great and fun summer for my daughter. I had planned all sorts of activities that we were going to do together, but they never happened.

We have squeezed a few things in here and there, but I feel really badly about what I have not done. I am sad that summer is almost over.

Today, I went through all of Allika's curriculum and planned out her daily schedule for the next four weeks. We have decided to home-school her, and I couldn't be more excited. Yes, there are a lot of "what-ifs" and "what-on-earth-are-you-thinking-I-can't-believe-you-would-do-such-a-thing-at-this-point-in-you-lifes," but I welcome those challenges and love to discuss the differing viewpoints on the issue. Maybe I will write a post about that...someday.

I am also in the process of getting my school schedule figured out without a lot of cooperation from my academic adviser. I feel like I am entering the twilight zone when I walk into that office. Just recently she refused to give me a schedule I needed because she insisted that I already had it. Do you know how completely hair-wrenching that can be? When someone can control your destiny by telling you what you do and don't have without any real ability to know what you do and don't have? I think I can read the papers you gave me, and no, that schedule is not amongst them. She concludes that I must have just lost it in the ten minutes it took me to drive from her office to my house. Okay, we will go with that. Can you just send me another one? No, because I already gave it to you.

Ooooh. Power trip.

*Scream*

*Rip hair out*

Do I have a sign on my face that says, "Please just be completely inefficient and incompetent in your dealings with me because I'd like nothing more than to have to report you to your supervisor because it really adds a lot of time to my already hectic and crazy life."

Seriously. There was that time at Wub-Say, when they were going to make me take the meatballs off my own sandwich with my fingers because they couldn't put marinara sauce and pepperoni on the same sandwich, but they could put meatballs with marinara sauce and pepperoni on the same sandwich. No, I am not making these things up.

It's seriously the sign on my face.

Then, there was the time at our friendly mega huge super store that rhymes with Shmall-shmart. They wouldn't give me the money back for a brand new sewing machine that had a manufacturer's defect. Their reason? It was not their machine to guarantee; it was the manufacturer's. I would have to call the manufacturer to get my money back.

They really think I'm stupid, and I can't figure out why. I was tossing around possible reasons with my husband, who wisely agreed that he couldn't figure out why they thought I was stupid either. I came up with the theory that I must look like trailer trash and everyone thinks they can pull one over on me.

It's a theory anyway. Any other ideas?

Sorry for the very angry post. Thanks for letting me rant.

An Attitude Adjustment

2009-08-23T10:55:00.004-05:00

This morning I was sick, so I didn't go to church. We live in a parsonage right next to the church, so when I heard a knock on my door, I knew it was someone from church, coming to see how I was.

I have to admit, I didn't have the greatest attitude. I thought to myself, "What part of sick don't you understand?"

I hurriedly dressed myself and opened the door to find my two Liberian sisters standing there. I thought we would just exchange a few pleasantries, I would let them know I was doing okay, thank them for coming, and they would be on their way.

No. They wanted to come in. They knew I was sick, and they wanted to come in and stay for a while. You've got to be kidding me. What were they thinking?

They pulled out my piano bench, and told me to sit down. So, I did.

Then, something happened that I'm still processing and marveling over. They took my hands, formed a circle, and started singing words spontaneously as they came to them.

"Our God is able. He is so able. Our God is powerful. He is so powerful."

It was a beautiful thing to hear their rich voices and thick accents singing over me. Then, just as quickly as they started singing, they broke out into praying simultaneously, each saying different words but building off of what the other was saying. They got louder and louder and squeezed my hands tighter and tighter.

All of a sudden, the floodgates broke, and I started to cry. The tears just began to fall. It felt so good because I have not really cried since I've received the news that I have cancer.

Their words were beautiful and went straight to my heart. They told God that I was his hand-maiden. That made me think of Mary, the mother of Jesus, telling God that she was his hand-maiden and he could do with her as he pleased. Now, I am in no way comparing me to her or my situation to hers, but it helps me put into perspective what the big picture is.

I am his hand-maiden, and he can do with me as he pleases. That is my heart's desire, and sometimes, it gets drowned out by my own fears and limited comprehension of what is real and what is a fake imitation.

I have never had anyone pray over me like that. I am not saying that one style of prayer is better than another. I have, however, gotten very used to the Anglicized way of praying. I know it is a cultural thing, but sometimes experiencing it from a different perspective breathes new life into something to which you've grown accustomed.

That is what my dear sisters did for me. Just the two of them plus me in the privacy of my own living room.

It was like a gift.

My Mother

2009-08-19T21:26:00.008-05:00

Last week was my mom's 60th birthday. She got to celebrate it by being admitted to the hospital and having a hemo dialysis shunt put in to take over her peritoneal dialysis. It had not been functioning properly, causing her to be sick and her body to fill up with fluid.

I really wish I could have been there on Sunday when my sister threw a tea party for her in the little clearing in the woods behind the trailer where she lives. She arrived to be surprised by a handful of friends singing "Happy Birthday" to her and started crying. She sat down in the recliner which had been provided for her and rested while my sister read a few memories that had been written for her by friends and family from all over the country. She cried again when her friend said a prayer thanking God for her life. She laughed and reminisced at photos of her from different stages in her life.

As small and simple as it all was, she told me later that it was more than she deserved.

It almost makes me cry just writing those words because if you knew my mom, you would know she deserved it and ever so much more. Her humility in that statement is just a small part of her beauty.

I thought I would write 60 things about my mom to celebrate the 60 years of a beautiful life lived.

My mom...
1.) Is intelligent.
2.) Is a fighter.
3.) Is content in whatever circumstance she's in.
4.) Made a life-changing decision about 35 years ago to follow Jesus wherever He leads her and has never looked back.
5.) Is not perfect and has never pretended to be.
6.) Is strong.
7.) Has sacrificed everything for her family.
8.) Is humble.
9.) Is a hard-worker.
10.)Does not gossip.
11.)Has NEVER interfered with my life or my family since I left home and got married.
12.)Is underestimated.
13.)Home-schooled five kids through high-school graduation.
14.)Is simple.
15.)Used to be a hippie.
16.)Is a trail-blazing, mold-breaking pioneer.
17.)Is named after her grandmother (Dorothea Brande) who was a well-known author.
18.)Was a preacher's wife for twenty-five years.
19.)Is a teacher.
20.)Writes beautiful commentaries all over her Bibles which I love to inherit when she has to get a new one.
21.)Has had one kidney transplant and is waiting for another one.
22.)NEVER complains about her health and actually tries to minimize it to people.
23.)Is not materialistic in any way (she is very hard to buy gifts for).
24.)Has been known to have complete break-downs while raising us kids, from which we have gathered many embarrassing stories and like to tell them every now and then.
25.)Tries to believe the best about people and forgives even when she has been mistreated and slighted.
26.)Opened her home to many troubled people over the years.
27.)Is a self-proclaimed bad cook (but I actually miss some of her dishes now that I'm gone).
28.)Is open-minded and willing to listen to others.
29.)Is the oldest of eight children.
30.)Hitch-hiked across Europe for two years.
31.)Loves to sing alto at the top of her lungs.
32.)Has been married to my father for 36 years.
33.)Used phrases such as "That's the way the cookie crumbles," "It's as fair as elephant's knees," and "Because I'm mean, old, ugly, and bald-headed" whenever we children complained about some perceived slight or unfairness in her dealings with us.
34.)Had one daughter, Gwendolyn Lareau Pratt, die when she was four days old.
35.)Grew up on a farm.
36.)Has ten living grandchildren and is a wonderful grandmother to all of them.
37.)Let us dress ourselves from the time we were little kids and never made us change no matter how mismatched and unsightly we looked.
38.)Plays the piano and taught us girls how to play.
39.)NEVER gave the answer, but made us look for it until we found it.
40.)Made my husband ask her permission every day before he could come pick me up from work while we were dating.
42.)Was always known as "Justin's daughter" growing up.
43.)Was always known as "Jessica's or Tanager's or Corinne's or Andrew's or Danielle's mom" when she grew up.
44.)Has never been vain a day in her life and is annoyed by primping and prissiness.
45.)Loves museums and took us to every free one within a 200 mile radius when we were growing up.
46.)Got up at 5:00 every morning to help me and my sister deliver newspapers for years.
47.)Is very frugal.
48.)Is practical.
49.)Loves and cares for people no matter their status.
50.)Wants "Big House" by Audio Adrenaline played at her funeral.
51.)Can speak German, Spanish, French, and English.
52.)Plays the cello.
53.)Had a horse that she loved to ride when she was growing up.
54.)Was on the ski team in school.
55.)Learned to roller skate in her forties (and broke her arm doing so).
56.)Learned to knit an afghan during her first round of hemo dialysis 12 years ago.
57.)Made us buy everything we needed growing up and never gave us money; we always had to earn it.
58.)Brought us kids to the nursing homes to sing for the elderly people when we were little kids until we were older.
59.)Was my doula for the birth of my first daughter.
60.)Is my hero and inspiration.

Happy Birthday, Mom! I love you!

And a Good Time Was Had By All

2009-08-14T21:38:00.007-05:00

Here is a hodge-podge of my week. I probably should break this post down into several, or just spare you the ramblings all-together, but I'm not going to. I did, however, spare you all from a cute, little song I learned while growing up about getting wet and being bad and drinking tea. Even though it would have been very appropriate right about now.

We went canoeing this week. The last time we went canoeing, I was six months pregnant, and we didn't know how to do much of anything but run into the bullrushes. This time we did much better about not running into the vegetation. That's only because there was no vegetation. Instead, we were in a group and kept running into other people's boats.

I am not sure how much I should say about this whole thing or not. The whole subject is a very volatile one. It has something to do with who is better at handling a canoe than someone else, but that someone else doesn't think that is the case, and the who doesn't want to hurt the someone else's feelings (although the who was quite adept at telling the someone else everything he/she was doing wrong). So we will just leave it at that.

Van said if we got out of it alive and with our marriage in tact, we were never going canoeing again.

I found a wonderful recipe for CHOCOLATE DESSERT that I can eat on my low iodine diet. I am so excited. This is a very fun cake to make, and it doesn't take any eggs or milk. The cocoa powder is okay to have because it isn't milk chocolate.

Wacky Cake
1 1/2 cups flour
1 cup sugar
3 Tablespoons cocoa
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
5 Tablespoons oil
1 teaspoon white vinegar
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 cup cold water
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Sift together flour,
sugar, cocoa, soda, and salt into an 8 x 8 inch baking
pan or dish. Mix thoroughly. Make 3 holes in the
dry ingredients. Place oil in first hole, vinegar in
second hole, and vanilla in third hole. Pour water
over all and mix well. Spread batter evenly in pan
and bake in the dish that batter was mixed in. Bake
30 minutes or until center is firm. Cool.

I made a frosting by getting Ghirardelli dark chocolate chips (they don't have dairy in them and are worth their weight in gold), about two tablespoons of non-dairy butter (I can't remember the name and I don't feel like getting up and looking in the fridge right now), and a little bit of coconut milk. I melted that concoction in the microwave and poured it over the cake...simply DIVINE!!!

I have had a lot of fun quilting with a friend this week. We went to a Minnesota Shop Hop a while back. It's where you get a "pass-port" with 85 quilt shops from all over Minnesota, and you try to hit them all and get a stamp. You can turn your passport in for all sorts of prizes that don't even come close to what you've spent in time and gas money. We ran into some real die-hard quilters. They had their R.V.s and were tooling all over Minnesota so they could fill their passports and get their prizes.

No, we did not go to all 85, you silly people! We only went to seven. Each shop gives you a different block pattern, a piece of Minnesota-themed material, and, if you spend $10.00, a charm for your bracelet. It's kind of silly, but I felt like I was on a treasure hunt. And if you're into quilting, it's so much fun to browse the shops. Quilts are actually magnificent pieces of art.

I am still working on the same quilt I've been working on for...ahem...two years now. It's a stack-and-whack. I've gotten all the blocks done; now, I'm just working on piecing everything together. I really wish I could work on it more because it is so relaxing and fun. Sometimes, while my machine is purring away, I think, "Wow. This is wonderful. Why don't I do this more often." Then, my life and my schedule smack me up-side the head, and I become ever so aware of why I don't do it more often. It's a shame, really.

Well, this is becoming very long-winded. My mother always said I had diarrhea of the mouth. So, I will just leave you with the link to the sermon I promised you a few weeks ago. It is one of my favorite sermons by my favorite preacher-man.

What's in a Name?

2009-08-12T19:52:00.005-05:00

My dear, sweet sister declared in no uncertain terms that I need to explain the title of my blog. She is tired of giving people my blog information because it is such a strange name to give a blog, and she wonders why I would have chosen such a thing.

She had strep throat and was rather grouchy.

I love you, dear, sweet sister.

And I owe everyone an explanation.

After my daughter died, my other daughter experienced a lot of internal emotions that she was not able to express in words. One way she verbalized the anxiety going on inside of her was by saying there were lots of mosquitos inside her. I thought that was a very accurate description of what she must have been feeling.

Since this is a blog for her, dealing with issues that could produce that same physical phenomenon (in her and me both), I kind of tweaked her metaphor by combining it with the age old saying "butterflies in my stomach" because I think anxiety is more like mosquitos than butterflies.

A while back, I wrote a dramatic monologue for a literature class I was taking, and I used as my subject her perspective in the death of her sister.

Here is the result:

A Girl and Her Sister

I holded my baby in my little blue rocky chair.
It’s okay baby, It’s okay baby.
I’ll give you some milk from my shirt.
Would you like a little tebby dare?
My baby is quiet now.
She shushed for a long time.
I don’t know what all the big people are doing.
Why do I have all these worries inside of me?
I think there’s some mosquitos inside me.
I haven’t seen my baby.
There’s the building with the pretty pictures in the window.
That’s where we left my baby.
I want to go get her.
Why don’t we just go get her back out of that building with the pretty pictures?
She’s not in that building anymore.
She’s down in the ground.
She's also up in heaven.
It’s a place you really like.
I don’t want to go there.
I want another little sister.
We can’t make a little sister.
Only God can make a little sister.
We can’t even make one out of paper.
Only heaven has that stuff.

Be Still, My Soul

2009-08-09T14:39:00.012-05:00

This is an amazing song about my desire to control and tendency to struggle against God and what he requires of me for my ultimate wholeness. I included my favorite performance of this song by Selah.

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on your side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
leave to your God to order and provide;
in every change God faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: your best, your heavenly friend
through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: your God will undertake
to guide the future, as in ages past.
Your hope, your confidence let nothing shake;
all now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
the Christ who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
when we shall be forever with the Lord,
when disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past,
all safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

To Dive Or Not to Dive

2009-08-06T22:22:00.016-05:00

Allika has been petrified of jumping off the diving board for the duration of her swimming lessons. All her fellow-swimmers conquered the board, but Allika had too many fears associated with attempting a jump.

"The board wobbles when I walk out onto it, and it scares me."

"I'm afraid it will hurt when I hit the water."

"What if I hit my head on the way down and pass out. Will you come rescue me?"

And on and on and on.

We tried to be very patient and did not put a lot of pressure on her, but all throughout her swimming classes she showed no intention of trying to dive. She also isn't prone to peer pressure, which is a good thing, I suppose. Even when those in lower level classes were jumping, she was not. She seemed perfectly content to jump off the side and swim like a fish in the deep end, but for some reason, she couldn't bring herself to jump off the diving board.

Over the last few days, though, we started encouraging her to at least give it a try. We told her that we didn't care if she didn't actually jump, but we wanted her to walk out on the board and make somewhat of an effort.

Then, we pulled out the big guns. We told her that if she jumped off the diving board by the last day of class, we would take her to eat at one of her favorite restaurants. We took the bribery a step further and told her she could pick a prize out of her prize basket, also.

Well, it's been a slow and steady progression over the last several days, but here is the final result.

Oh yeah. I forgot to mention she insisted on wearing a life jacket, which was completely unnecessary.

Kind of reminds me of someone else I know who is afraid to take a few leaps she is perfectly capable of taking.

My Love

2009-08-04T12:35:00.003-05:00

One of the things I miss the most on my low-iodine diet is my milk. I use milk for my cereal, baking, etc. Furthermore, I can't have the essentials, like chocolate and ice-cream because of the milk in them.

So I set off on a quest to find some kind of substitute. At first, I thought maybe goat's milk would work. However, after asking the dairy guy at the store, I learned that goat's milk is considered dairy and has iodine in it, as well.

I can't have soy, so that eliminated that alternative.

Almond milk? It has sea salt in it (what??!!).

Oh!! I know! Oat's Milk! That will work! Until I read the label. It has soy in it, too. Why?

I was beginning to get quite discouraged and was on the verge of giving up.

And then, I saw it in the distance.

It was standing so tall and erect like a beacon in the night. I heard music playing softly in my head as I bridged the gap between us in slow motion, the wind gently blowing my hair in wisps across my face.

Coconut milk. I have found you at last. How have I ever lived before this moment. And the things you can do with ice-cream simply amaze me. Ours will be a long and beautiful relationship.

Yes, it will.

I Love This!

2009-08-02T20:10:00.003-05:00

Everything else is worthless when compared with the priceless gain of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I may have Christ and become one with him.

I no longer count on my own goodness or my ability to obey God's law, but I trust Christ to save me. For God's way of making us right with himself depends on faith.

As a result, I can really know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I can learn what it means to suffer with him, sharing in his death, so that, somehow, I can experience the resurrection from the dead!

I don't mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection! But I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ Jesus saved me for and wants me to be.

I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven.

I hope all of you who are mature Christians will agree on these things. If you disagree on some point, I believe God will make it plain to you. But we must be sure to obey the truth we have learned already.

Pattern your lives after mine, and learn from those who follow our example. For I have told you often before, and I say it again with tears in my eyes, that there are many whose conduct shows they are really enemies of the cross of Christ. Their future is eternal destruction. Their god is their appetite, they brag about shameful things, and all they think about is this life here on earth.

But we are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Savior.

He will take these weak mortal bodies of ours and change them into glorious bodies like his own, using the same mighty power that he will use to conquer everything, everywhere.

Philippians 3:8-21

Yay! More Junk!!

2009-08-01T21:40:00.007-05:00

I am getting ready to go on a little two-day trip tomorrow. Every time I leave my family, I feel like I will never see them again. I just hate being away from them for any length of time. Yes, I have issues.

I will be leaving in the afternoon and be back Monday evening, at which time we will have a camp-out in the back yard. I'm actually looking forward to that. I just love my family and spending time with them.

Today, I thought I would do some fun things with Allika since I won't get to see her for a few days. (Can you tell I'm really having a hard time with this?) She absolutely loves garage-saling, so we went to a few. It is difficult taking her at this point because she thinks she has to buy something at every sale. If I tell her we really don't need that right now, the obvious answer is, "Then why are we even garage-saling in the first place? Do we need any of this stuff right now?" Oh, the dilemmas with which our children present us.

I have tried that whole "buy it with your own money" thing, but that does not stop her from buying the first thing she sees at each sale until she runs out of money. It just doesn't teach her a thing about thinking through her purchases.

The solution I came up with was to tell her that she could only buy one thing for the whole day. She would have to make sure whatever she decided to buy was something she knew she really, really wanted because it would be the only thing she was getting the whole day.

Of course, she found what she could not live without at the very first garage sale. Ugh.

"Allika, you need to wait until you have looked at other garage sales because you might see something else you would rather have, and you won't be able to buy it."

"I know this is what I want. I don't want anything else."

Kind of defeats the whole point of taking your daughter garage-saling to spend some time together.

I told her she could not buy it until we had gone to all the other garage sales, and she still wanted it. I also added some fine print to which she agreed. If she bought it, she had to let me get rid of several of her things to make room for it. I am no dummy.

Well, at each new garage sale, she declared, "I don't see anything I want here. This is just other people's junk. Maybe that's why they're selling it, so other people will buy their junk." Very perceptive six-year-old.

I tried to convince her to buy another, more practical purchase that was $7.00 cheaper and took up much less room (about 3 sq. ft. worth), but she would have none of it. Even after I had the lady open the box and show us how it worked.

When it was all said and done, we made our way back to the original sale where, much to my chagrin, it was still there. I had been secretly hoping it would have sold while we were perusing the other sales.

(Yes, this is a blog for my daughter that she will read someday, and I will be exposed for what I am.)

My daughter came home the proud owner of a new contraption, and I promptly cashed in on our deal to rid her room of lots and lots of junk. It was kind of a win-win situation in the long run.

By way of an update on "The Thyroid," we found out that my insurance will cover the more convenient treatment that doesn't require me to go off my thyroid medicine for three weeks. The reason why this is a good thing is because it means I will not have to have really bad mood swings and not be able to get out of bed and function. Yay! That is an answer to prayer.

I am going to try to post something tomorrow because I have been marinating in this cool passage for a while now. I want to share it because it has really had an impact on me. If I don't get the time (with church and my trip and all), I will just have to contain my excitement until Tuesday.

Toodley-oo.

Myself in You

2009-07-30T14:04:00.005-05:00

My Sweet Baby Girl,
I'm sorry that you were so scared last night. I wish I could make you believe that I will not let anything bad happen to you. If I could only make you see how fiercely I love you and the places inside of me that are so ferociously protective of you, then maybe you could understand that I am in control of these situations you are so afraid of. Why do you always ask what I would do if you got hurt or what I would do if someone tried to take you or would I cry if you died? The uncertainty and vulnerability you feel in my presence breaks my heart and makes me feel frustrated that I cannot communicate my deepest desire to keep you safe from all harm. I know it is hard to understand when you have seen things happen on my watch that you can only comprehend as bad. You have lost your innocence in regard to pain and death.

In futility, I tried to reason with you that just because we were downstairs and you couldn't see us, did not mean that we would let something bad happen to you. You lack the ability to trust the words, "I will not let anything bad happen to you."

That kind of reminds me of when I told you that God will protect us and only lets things happen to us that are for our own good, and you asked, "How can I believe in that if I can't see him?" I told you that that was what faith was: believing in someone or something that you can't see. But your words still haunt me.

They haunt me because I can hear myself in you. I know that somewhere in the corners of my soul I question God and his ability to protect me and keep me safe because I have seen some things happen on his watch that I cannot completely understand.

I can only imagine his pain and frustration as he watches me struggle with whether I am secure in his love. Deep inside of me, in the dark of the night, when I'm all alone, there are questions that I try to ignore and push away. Am I really going to be okay? Have I done enough to earn your love and approval? What is going to happen to me if I die? What if I've gotten it all wrong and I'm in for a big shocker?

I know all the theological answers to these questions, but there is still this place outside of my intellect that, if I'm honest with myself, does exist.

It is in these moments that I experience God. He does not always remove the problem, but he does put his arm around me and help me struggle through the pain, confusion, and fear. In my weakness, he is made strong, and his grace is sufficient for me.

Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.

The Question

2009-07-28T16:04:00.003-05:00

I went to my endocronologist today. Am I spelling that right? Because my spell check keeps highlighting it.

Oh well. Who cares.

May I just begin by saying that people with cancer don't necessarily know all there is to know about their particular form of cancer?

People with cancer don't necessarily know all there is to know about their particular form of cancer. There is so much information being thrown at you all at once, and you become very overwhelmed and have a hard time processing everything. Sometimes, you cannot ask certain questions because your brain just won't go there.

I'm a little confused, but I think I may have learned a lot more about my cancer today.

1.) Because it is in my lymph nodes, it has most likely spread to other areas, as well.

2.) It is highly likely that I will have to have another surgery and a second radioactive iodine treatment after the first one. This is because they will do a full body scan after the first iodine treatment to see where the iodine goes. If it just goes to my neck, all is well; that is where it is supposed to go. If it goes anywhere else, such as the other side of my neck, lungs, bones, etc, they will have to surgically remove that tissue and do another round of radioactive iodine.

3.) If that does not take care of the cancer, I will have to have chemotherapy. That is highly unlikely though. So much so that chemo for thyroid cancer is still an experimental treatment. I would have to go to the Mayo clinic in Rochester if that became necessary.

4.) I finally asked a question that I have not wanted to ask until now.

"Am I going to die?"

The doctor paused for a second and then said, "It is highly unlikely, but yes, there is a chance you could die. Probably one in thirty people die from thyroid cancer. The younger you are, the better the prognosis."

When your daughter has died from something that affects one in a thousand, one in thirty sounds kind of high-risk. Statistics say that you won't be a statistic more than once, though. Good thing for statistics, huh?

They will start my radioactive iodine the week of Labor Day. That is, if my iodine levels are low enough. I have to go on a special low iodine diet starting now. This means I cannot eat fish, iodized salt, chocolate, dairy products, and a host of other things. Well, I guess I'll lose weight out of this whole ordeal after all. Whoo hoo!!

I will also have to go off my thyroid medicine for several days before the radioactive iodine is injected. There are a few things we are trying to figure out regarding what our insurance will and won't cover, and that will determine the exact approach they will take. If my insurance doesn't cover a certain procedure, I will have to go off my medicine for three weeks. If it does cover the procedure, it will only be a few days. I put my vote in for a few days, but we will see if the insurance company takes that into consideration.

He told me not to change any plans or put anything on hold in regard to the distant future. He doesn't foresee that there will be any huge problems. "Huge problems" is a euphamism for death.

Good thing he said that because our adoption case worker did our home study today. Everything went well. She said we can start looking at children's profiles online, and our official file will go online for all the social workers to access by August 10th. This is the official matching process, so once there is a match, we proceed from there. After 2 years, it seems almost too good to be true. I'm not even sure it's really happening yet.

I feel like this is such a sketchy post, but I must be off to school now, so I'll keep you posted in more detail as we go.

I must say, if you've never had cancer, it's a whole new world.

Broken Cisterns

2009-07-27T12:56:00.003-05:00

"My people have committed two sins:
They have forsaken me,
the spring of living water,
and have dug their own cisterns,
broken cisterns that cannot hold water."
Jeremiah 2:13

I heard an amazing sermon Sunday dealing with this passage. I will put a link to it once it is posted on the church website. It was extremely moving and convicting.

It is important to note that "My people" would not be referring to those outside the church but those within. American churches are full of people who are no longer finding their fulfillment in the spring of living water, but are filling their lives full of stuff that will never satisfy in their search for meaning and significance.

We are trading springs for cisterns, and they are broken cisterns at that.

Bullet Points Are My Friends

2009-07-25T22:41:00.005-05:00

My apologies for being so negligent with my blog lately. We have had a lot going on in the past week, but none of it has been really worthy of a blog post. Maybe I will just write a few bullet points of some of the happenings around here.

We are getting ready for our home visit on Tuesday from our adoption case worker. This basically means that we are trying to clear out our garage so we can walk to the breaker box. Yes, it is that bad. It also means we are trying to chip away at Mt. Laundry by folding and putting away boatloads of clothes. No, we are not organized people. Does this come as a shock to anyone?

Allika has entered a new stage. It is called the gymnastics stage. Look it up. It's in your psychology books. It consists of bumps, thuds, flops, bangs, jolts, and cries of pain whilst the little one does somersault after somersault, cartwheel after cartwheel, and wall climb after wall climb non-stop in the course of a day. It is very disconcerting and makes for a difficult time when trying to study for tests or get any homework done. The other day, she asked me if she could please do a somersault off the couch. In exasperation, I told her no. She was quite distressed, claiming that her head was feeling so empty because it had not done a somersault for the last, oh, five minutes. If you think I'm exaggerating, I am not, and it is seriously driving me insane.

There are some huge transitions taking place within my husband's job, and it affects us all in some major ways, not the least of which being that he is stretched very thin(ly). That is his story to tell though if he ever wants to start a blog someday, so I will just leave it at saying that it has an impact on the whole family.

Some issues have evolved over time with my daughter, due to the death of my other daughter, and we have had to work extensively on helping her through some things. That is also her story that she can tell someday on her own blog if she so chooses. In the meantime, it takes a lot of energy and patience to work through the assignments from her counselor. We have achieved a lot of victories lately, for which I am very thankful, but sometimes it still breaks my heart to see her struggle the way she does.

I have started back to work, which I covered insipidly in my last blog post, so you can read all about it there.

We are helping a friend move which means that all his stuff has ended up in our garage that we just cleaned out for our home visit. There is a little path to the breaker box, though, so we should pass "inspection."

We have also had company and babysat for several friends in the last week which we thoroughly enjoy. Allika loves having little friends over to play with, and it distracts her from the gymnastics for a little while at least.

All in all, it's been a good week, just really busy. I hope to keep up a little better with my blog next week. No promises though.

Back to Normal?

2009-07-22T20:55:00.003-05:00

Today was my first day back to work since the surgery.

It's funny because I thought I would be going back to work the week following my surgery since that is what I did after my last surgery.

I told the scheduler that I couldn't do my post op the Friday following surgery because I had to work. She said, "Oh honey, you won't be working the week after surgery."

I said, "Really? I went to work the week after my last surgery."

"Yeah. And what kind of surgery was that?"

"An excisional biopsy."

"Okay. Well, this is going to be a little more extensive. We're talking about a complete thyroidectomy and right neck dissection."

The nurse then called me and wondered if my job involved lifting at all. When I told her I was a nanny for two-year-old twins, she laughed and informed me that I would not be going back to work for a while.

Today I found out why they said these things. I am exhausted. I did not realize how much I would need the help of my 6-year-old daughter today, but I became aware very soon of how invaluable she was to me. Wow. Two-year-olds.

I work again tomorrow and Friday, so I hope I gain strength as I go instead of losing it.

It's good to be back in the swing of things, though.

Still the One

2009-07-20T20:20:00.017-05:00

Allika was gone on Father's Day, and since Van isn't my daddy, we decided to wait to observe it. Well, one thing has led to another over the last few weeks, and we haven't gotten a chance to celebrate until this Sunday.

I was trying to do something really special for Van because he has been such a wonderful husband and father, especially over the last few months. He's really picked up the slack for me, and I haven't always been the most easiest person to live with.

I thought a hot air balloon ride over the St. Croix Valley would be perfect. We have both really wanted to do that, and I had decided that when I got through all of this cancer stuff, I was going to do the things I had always thought would be fun. There's only one little problem with that valiant resolution. It's called $800 dollars.

So, I set my sights a little lower and reserved a spot on a dinner cruise down the St. Croix River. I think we may have even kept it a secret which is very difficult for Allika to do.

Here are some pictures.

The Boat

Allika and Her Daddy

The Jazz Band that serenaded us throughout our ride

Van and Allika waiting for dinner. Wish I had taken pictures of the spread. It was so delicious.

The Polowchaks

The Scenery

After the boat ride, we had another little surprise up our sleeves. It wasn't anything big, but it's something we've never done before and have always wanted to try. We went to a drive-in movie. What a phenomenon! I never realized how much fun those were. Of course, we didn't know you were supposed to bring your grill, lawn chairs, footballs, frisbees, soccer balls, etc. It was one big old huge tailgating party. We got there early since the movie wasn't starting until dark, so we had plenty of time to walk around. Allika climbed several trees and did some exploring while I snapped a few photos.

Such a neat place

Our Motorcycle Babe

Two hours before the movie...Filling up fast

Climbing trees while we waited

Waiting for Ice Age 3

To top the evening off, we gave Van a gift certificate to Half-Price Books (his favorite book store) and a recycled Father's Day card which I had thrown at him on Father's Day. This time, however, I had actually signed it and handed it to him nicely. I suppose I shall have to explain.

Like I said, back in June we had decided not to do anything for Father's Day, but I didn't want to let the day go by without even acknowledging Van, so I bought him one of those musical cards that played "Still the One." Well, I spent more money on more stuff, too, and when I got home, there was a discussion about the spending of the money. For the record, he was right and I was wrong. Of course, that is not usually the case, but this time, it was.

Anyway, the disagreement ended with me throwing the card at him and following that with the receipt so he could return it and get the money back.(I can be very vicious when I throw paper, people. Okay?)

So, he opens the card to hear this: "You're still the one I run to, the one that I belong to, you're still the one I want for life. You're still the one that I love, the only one I dream of, you're still the one I kiss good night."

He kept the card without a signature and threw away the receipt.

And that, my friends, is why I gave him the same card again, only this time I signed it and wrote something special.

And thus ended our celebration of Father's Day. I love you, Van. You're still the one.

A Franciscan Benediction

2009-07-18T17:02:00.004-05:00

A Franciscan Benediction

May God bless you with discomfort,
at easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships,
so that you may live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger,
at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people,
so that you may work for justice, freedom, and peace.

My God bless you with tears,
to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, and war,
so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and turn their
pain to joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness,
to believe that you can make a difference in this world,
so that you can do what others claim cannot be done.

Amen.

Scar Face

2009-07-17T19:41:00.005-05:00

Tuesday night I went to class (If I miss more than two classes, I will fail the class, and I want to save those two classes for my radiation). I felt so awkward walking into a room full of people for the first time. I had debated covering it up, but the doctor had told me not to. Plus, I didn't have any bandages big enough to cover it without looking like a patch-work quilt. I was worried that people would think I had purposely left it uncovered just to gross people out and get a lot of attention.

I got to school just as another class-mate was arriving. I hurried ahead of her so she wouldn't catch up to me and see it. Good thing I accomplished that since I still had to walk into the classroom. I just felt so weird about the moment that everyone would see me for the first time since surgery.

Well, I made it through class, not without very self-conscious feelings though. Especially when the girl sitting across from me was trying to eat her salad. I kept wanting to apologize and cover up my scar. Sometimes, I have to stop myself from saying, "I'm so sorry about my scar. I know it's really gross. I would cover it up, but the doctor doesn't want me to."

In a small way (because a scar on my neck isn't even close to what some people have had to experience), it all makes me very aware of what it must feel like to be a person who doesn't quite fit in. Whether that person brings it upon themselves by assuming that others view them in a negative way or whether others really do view them in a negative way, it is extremely hard to socialize with people when you feel like a freak.

The next time you think less of a person because they are acting strange or introverted, try to remember that maybe it is because they feel very insecure and self-conscious and are battling a lot of voices inside their heads that are telling them they are inferior or gross or annoying and they should just leave the room.

Maybe, instead of judging them so you can make it easier to dismiss them, you could go over and talk with them and try to make them feel more comfortable. They might act a little reserved when you first approach them because they think they want to be left alone so they don't bother anyone. What they really want, though, is for someone to help them snap out of their fears and make them realize they are just like everyone else. One of my classmates did that for me when I sat at a table by myself. She said, "No, you can't sit over there all by yourself. You need to move over here by us." Reluctantly, I did, and they began to talk to me about my surgery and told me how great my scar looked and how glad they were that I was there.

Yes, it is very childish of me to go to those places in my mind, but the reality is that I have gone there. We all probably do. We all need each other to reach out and help us through those weak moments when we feel like our flaws define us or our weaknesses have gotten the best of us or our mistakes have devalued us.

So, if there is someone in your life who might need a little encouragement, I hope you will just take a moment to let them know they are important to you.

And if you are one of those people who is feeling kind of icky, I hope you will realize that you are so much more than the imperfections and failures in your life. On the flip-side of that, those scars and wounds you've received have played either a small or large part in who you have become. They do not define you, but they are tools that helped to shape you. Since you are such a special and unique person with so much to offer the world, you can be thankful for and embrace those tools, however painful they may have been at the time.

Having said all that, here are some of the pictures of my scars. I didn't expect it to be so hard to post these. I kept going through the different photos looking for the best ones, as if I would all-of-a-sudden click on the next picture and it would be pretty. Well, they are what they are, folks, and they are a part of me, albeit a very small one because I am so much more than the scar on my neck.

This is before the stitches were taken out.

Side view after the stitches were removed. There is even more swelling than before they removed the stitches.

Front view after the stitches were removed

A Good Day Was Had By All

2009-07-16T16:53:00.005-05:00

Today has been a really exciting day.

We have been in the process of trying to adopt off and on for about two years now. Everything has been put on hold for the last couple of months while we have been going through the whole cancer ordeal. Today, however, we met with our case worker and had our personal interviews for the home study. After answering all sorts of questions about how I handle stress and anger and who's my daddy, she informed us that we are about 3 weeks away from the matching process. The next steps will be a home visit over the next couple weeks and then, foster care licensing which we have to have in order to place a child in our home before the finalization of adoption.

The matching process could be a short one or a long one, but either way, I am so excited to be this close to the end. Oh yeah! You can believe that!

In other news today, I had my stitches taken out. Van says it looks like I am almost smiling from ear to ear. When you see the scar, you will understand the humor in that statement.

I am contemplating the crassness of posting pictures of my scar. I think I have decided that I am going to do it because it is a part of me now, and I would kind of like to document the healing and make all sorts of annoying analogies in the process.

So you may not want to look at the pictures tomorrow if you are a little squeemish (not to be confused with squeemicels).

Help

2009-07-15T08:55:00.004-05:00

I need to ask some advice from all of you.

Tomorrow I go see my ENT doctor one last time before he turns me over to an endocronologist to take over the rest of my treatments and to manage my thyroid medicine.

My ENT has been truly amazing. He has always gone the extra mile in everything and has been so kind and humble in the process. I appreciate what he has done for me so much...more than words can say. I am actually going to miss him, even though he represents a somewhat difficult time in my life.

Is it appropriate to give him a little token of my appreciation tomorrow when I see him for the last time? If so, what should it be? I thought about something home-baked, but these days people don't always trust home-made food from someone they don't completely know. I know I would be a little suspicious of a plate of cookies from someone with a big wound on their neck. I'd be thinking, "I really hope they washed their hands."

I don't want to buy him cookies though since that's a little impersonal, and I'm sure he can go buy his own if he wanted some.

So, if you have any suggestions, or if you think it's a little much, just let me know. Keep in mind, we're on somewhat of a limited budget, so no plasma screen t.v.s or anything like that.

Thanks for any advice you can give.

Gifts

2009-07-14T16:12:00.005-05:00

I have received several little gifts today that have meant so much to me, and I wanted to share them with you.

I was reading on facebook that some of my friends were a little less than thrilled with the rain they had been receiving, and it made me wish that I could have some rain here. I thought it would be so perfect, since I am kind of stuck here with a book and a blanket anyway, to be able to look out the window and watch the rain fall and listen to it tap against the house. There is just something about it that makes me feel cuddly and snuggly and warm and cozy. I didn't think I would get any because it was just a wishful thought that passed through my mind as I read the grumblings on facebook. A little while later though, I was sitting in my worn-out spot on the couch, when much to my delight the first rain drops began to hit my window. I snuggled up to enjoy the show and felt so blessed to have a tiny wish, that had barely reached my conscious mind, come true.

Yesterday, when I went to the doctor to have my drain removed, I left my wallet in his office. We didn't figure it out until we had reached the pharmacy to pick up my thyroid medicine, and I didn't have my insurance card. It also contained my student I.D., driver's license, debit card, a paycheck, and other valuable things. We rushed home to call the clinic and were directed to security. After looking around for it and even getting the doctor in on the search (I told you he is a great guy), they were sorry to tell me that it hadn't been turned in and it was nowhere to be found. I was just sure that it had been stolen, and I was going to have to go through the process of getting all my cards and things replaced. The worst thing about it is Van just had his wallet stolen at the doctor's office a few months ago. Well, my second, nice little gift this morning was when we found out that the nurse had found it and locked it in her drawer before she went home last night. What a huge relief!

I guess the third gift happened last night when I got to shower for the first time since Friday. Unless you have experienced four days without a shower and having drainage and other such pleasant things all in your hair, you cannot appreciate how much that experience meant to me. It improved my slowly deteriorating mood from the wallet ordeal by 100%.

And the last and most precious gift is pictured below. This just did something to my heart that I can't describe. She worked on it for a long time all by herself.

Oh, I can't forget one final gift, but it's kind of an ongoing one: each of you and all the nice things you say and do for me. Thank you so much.

Make Me Thy Fuel

2009-07-13T22:00:00.001-05:00

Make Me Thy Fuel By Amy Carmichael

From prayer that asks that I may be
Sheltered from wind that beat on Thee,
From fearing when I should aspire,
From faltering when I should climb higher,
From silken self, O Captain, free
The soldier who would follow Thee.

From subtle love of softening things,
From easy choices, weakenings
(Not thus are spirits fortified,
Not this way went the Crucified),
From all that dims Thy Calvary,
O Lamb of God, deliver me.

Give me the love that leads the way,
The faith that nothing can dismay,
The hope no disappointments tire,
The passion that will burn like fire.
Let me not sink to be a clod:
Make me Thy fuel, Flame of God.

Surgery Update

2009-07-12T14:32:00.004-05:00

Sorry I haven't posted an update sooner. Things have been a little...well, shall we say hectic? I am home now. I talked them into letting me go a day early because I didn't want to sit in the hospital for another day, getting poked and prodded every time I happened to doze off, just so they could take my drain out tomorrow. Instead, I will go into the clinic and have them remove my drain and get to rest in peace and quiet at home. Ahhh. So nice.

The surgery took 7.5 hours. They were only expecting it to take 4, but the surgeon was really careful to make sure he got every thing out without cutting any nerves and other important body parts. There was one cluster of lymph nodes that was three inches into the muscle, so it took him a while to get all of those out. I felt so bad for him. Can you imagine almost a full days work, standing on your feet, digging around in someone's neck, trying not to cause any permanent damage, and this, after already having performed several operations before mine? Needless to say, we are very impressed with and thankful for our doctor. I wish all of you could meet him. He's just the nicest, sweetest, most humble guy.

As you can imagine, it took me a lot longer to recover than it had for the last surgery. I did have some trouble with the anesthesia, but we will spare you those details for now. You can thank me later for that. I had excellent help and care though. Everyone was just wonderful. My husband stayed with me the first night, in which he got no sleep. He had enough of that and went home to sleep last night. I missed him so much. He has been right by my side through all of this. I don't know if I'll ever be able to explain how much he helped me. It wasn't so much physically as it was emotionally. He talked me through a lot and fielded many, many questions which come in all shapes and sizes when I get going with my anxiety. He is such a patient man.

The incision is humongous, so we will have to contend with that. I thought maybe I would get to lose a few pounds out of the whole deal, but I don't think the thyroid and lymph nodes weigh enough to make any big impact on my overall size. You'd of thought I could have at least dropped a few dress sizes out of the deal.

The next step is to start me on Synthroid, and then take me off Synthroid so they can do the radioactive iodine. I will have to be quarantined for a few days while I glow. We shall see how long when I go see the endocronologist in a few weeks.

Thanks to all of you for coming along on this journey with me. I am learning so much more about myself and God through this whole process. I feel honored that he is still working on me.

Bugs and Surgery

2009-07-09T20:07:00.007-05:00

I have had a great day today with my daughter. It is fun watching her live life with so much gusto. She went to see "Bruce the Bug Guy" this morning and got to hold cockroaches and spiders. It made me swell with pride to see her holding a tarantula like a true lady. I simply must post pictures of this lovely experience.

Much to her disappointment, she was pulled away from the bugs and taken to her swimming class. She has come such a long way from the time she crawled along the edge of the pool, wailing at the top of her lungs because she didn't want to get in the water. Today she advanced to level 3! What an accomplishment! We are very proud of her.

Tomorrow's the big day. Complete thyroidectomy and right neck dissection. It will be a four hour surgery. I thought I wouldn't have any apprehension after the last surgery and knowing the good prognosis, but I do. I'm bothered that I have yet to learn not to be so anxious about things. Sometimes, I feel like a fickle little kid who goes from complete trust to terrified fear over the slightest upset to my agenda. It just makes me kind of nervous to have someone partially decapitating me and cutting things out of my neck for four hours while I am totally out of commission. It's a control thing again. I have to keep letting go. Please continue to pray for peace in my heart. I am convinced that I was as calm as I was last time because of the prayers surrounding me. God is good, faithful, and sovereign. I will rest in knowing that.

Thyroidectomy: Coming Soon!

2009-07-06T20:44:00.003-05:00

Bethumped With Words, food, nature walk, music, movies, ice cream, swimming, cook-out, fireworks, thrift store, Twins game, Mall of America, bickering, stress, nerves, tension, kids, cuteness, dancing, home-made parades, sickness, tears, goodbyes. That is my weekend in a nutshell. And what a weekend it was. It's funny after it's all over and you look back on it, you realize that you were in the midst of greatness. It's also funny after it's all over and you look back on it, how much you're glad that it's all over. I love my family and all, but I'm just sayin'. And for the record, we all agree on this. You can only have so many great personalities and strong opinions in the same place for so long. I will say that I learned a lot about my egotistical, proud self. Something to work on.

In the way of medical updates, my thyroidectomy is Friday. They will re-open my previous incision and lengthen it several inches. That just sounds lovely. Fortunately, I'm not a vain person because I will have a nice scar on my neck. I didn't think much of it until I thought I heard several girls sitting behind me in the Twins stadium talking about how disgusting my incision was (maybe I was being super paranoid). It really doesn't bother me, except that I don't want to cause anybody to toss their cookies at the sight of my neck. Just not the kind of effect I like to have on people. Oh well, such is life. It will be what it will be. After some of the other possibilities, I think I can stand grossing people out for the rest of my life. I like that sentence.

Anyway, along with the thyroid, they are removing the rest of the lymph nodes with cancer in them. The doctor had just removed one for the biopsy and left the rest for the next surgery because he thought he could get to them better from that angle, what with the jugular vain and all. I was pleased with this decision to say the least. The risks involved are cutting the vocal chord nerves and damaging or removing the parathyroids which would affect my calcium levels or something like that. To be honest, these risks don't bother me in the least bit. In fact, my husband is a little excited that I might lose my vocal chords. Seriously though, when you hear about people going into surgery with a 20% chance of survival, you kind of lose your ability to get worked up over your vocal chords and calcium.

You want to know what I'm really not looking forward to? A blood clot pressing against my throat again. I'll have to say, that was not the least bit enjoyable. Anyway, I'm trying to keep all things in perspective here and am actually succeeding quite well, thanks to your prayers and an awesome God.

Invasion: Coming Soon!

2009-07-02T08:43:00.003-05:00

I probably won't be writing anything substantial (if you want to call it that) until Monday after all my family has left. The next few days will be filled with lots of fun and sweet memories together. So check back in a few days if you would like to catch a glimpse of what it's like when six extensions of the Pratt family converge as one family on a house.

Yesterday, my grandmother died. I don't really feel like writing any platitudes about that right now, except to say I am so glad I got to spend a little bit of time with her two weeks ago.

Today, I get my stitches taken out and consult with my doctor about my next surgery. Probably won't be anything significant, but I will let you know if it is.

Did I Mention That I Get to See My Daughter?

2009-06-29T09:54:00.003-05:00

I get to see my daughter today!! I get to see my daughter today!! I get to see my daughter today!! I am ecstatic! I miss her so much, but I have come to realize it was so good to leave her with my mom for a couple of weeks. It became especially clear to me during my recovery from surgery.

I was so naive about that. I thought I was going to be good to go by Friday night. I had made all sorts of plans for the weekend. I was even going to take the local helicopter ride with my husband on Saturday. Yeah right. What was I thinking?

Sunday morning, I woke up and couldn't swallow or talk very well because something was touching my throat. I called the doctor to see if that was normal, and he said it wasn't and wanted me to come into ER. He was concerned it could be a blood clot. As it turned out, there was a blood clot, but it wasn't big enough for him to need to open me back up and drain the area. Hmmm...I am very thankful for that decision. Ouch. So, he gave me antibiotics and told me if it got worse to come back in. Well, it has actually gotten better since then, so that's a relief.

I got to take a shower today for the first time since Friday. Is that too much info? It's very exciting news to me. I just had to share it.

All in all, today is a great day. Now, I must go get the house cleaned and do some of my homework before my family arrives, so I can spend lots and lots of time with them.

Draw Me Nearer, Precious Lord

2009-06-28T15:14:00.004-05:00

I thought I might share some of my favorite verses, poems, hymns, songs, and other such things on the weekends when I take a little break from blogging.

Here is a hymn that I didn't come to appreciate until recently. I heard it done in a blue grass style in the movie "Bella" and thought that was a nice touch.

I Am Thine, O Lord by Fanny J. Crosby

I am Thine, O Lord, I have heard Thy voice,
And it told Thy love to me;
But I long to rise in the arms of faith,
And be closer drawn to Thee.

Draw me nearer, nearer, blessed Lord,
To the cross where Thou has died;
Draw me nearer, nearer, nearer, blessed Lord,
To Thy precious, bleeding side.

Consecrate me now to Thy service, Lord,
By the pow'r of grace divine;
Let my soul look up with a steadfast hope,
And my will be lost in Thine.

O the pure delight of a single hour
That before Thy throne I spend,
When I kneel in prayer, and with Thee, my God,
I commune as friend with friend!

There are depths of love that I cannot know
Till I cross the narrow sea;
There are heights of joy that I may not reach
Till I rest in peace with Thee.

Draw me nearer, nearer, blessed Lord,
To the cross where Thou has died;
Draw me nearer, nearer, nearer, blessed Lord,
To Thy precious, bleeding side.

Literature, Drama, and Medicine

2009-06-27T17:27:00.003-05:00

I recently read a short story by Flannery O'Conner entitled "A Good Man is Hard to Find." In it, a conniving, manipulative, vindictive, and otherwise annoying grandmother is held at gunpoint by bandits after they have murdered her children and grandchildren. All of a sudden, as she stares death in the face, she changes her tune and gains a whole new perspective on how one should live their life. After she is shot, the thug comments to the rest of his gang, "She would have been a much better woman if there had been someone there to shoot her every day of her life." The point being, we become different people when we realize that death is imminent.

There is something about going into surgery that causes a drama queen to think she is going to die on the operating table. 'Tis true. I was preparing to die in my own melodramatic way. The good news is that I was totally at peace with that. Now, that's a huge switch for me. I expected to be frantic and frightened and wanting to back out, but no, I was at peace. Not that I wanted to die. It is a huge unknown, and I really want to watch my daughter grow up for a little while longer. However, I was okay with whatever happened. Maybe that doesn't mean much to you, but knowing myself, it just thrills me. It's called growth, and I like that.

I have to tell you something funny. I called my daughter right before I was going into surgery (because I wanted to leave a few last words with her). Just as she answered the phone, my doctor walked by my room and waved at me. That happened to coincide with me greeting my daughter with a soft and sweet, "Hi Honey!" The doctor did a double take, and I hurried to clarify that I was talking to my daughter on the phone. For those of you in the south, it might not seem too out of the ordinary to call your doctor honey, but we just don't do that here in Minnesota.

The surgery went ever so wonderfully. No big long name procedures. Just a little old excisional biopsy. Now we will be waiting to hear back on the tests in the next couple of days. The doctor is pretty sure that it will be papillary thyroid cancer. I wonder how many tests they will keep taking to keep coming to that same conclusion. I asked, "What's up with that?" And they gave me some kind of answer that I don't remember because I was taking happy pills. Anyway, I will keep you posted. My post-op is Tuesday.

As I left the hospital, I felt like I was starting a brand new life (drama queen, remember?). I was having the best conversation I ever had with the sweet, little volunteer who wheeled me out. I thought the flowers were the prettiest I had ever seen, and the waterfall was simply marvelous. My husband was sexier than ever, and I just felt like life couldn't be grander.

Of course, I am on pain meds, so we will see what life looks like when they wear off. Overall though, God is so good. No matter what, he is good. I am overwhelmed right now by his goodness. It leaves me speechless, which is saying a lot.

Squeemicels

2009-06-26T16:27:00.003-05:00

Just a quick note to let everyone know I made it out of surgery and am doing great. There was not squeemicel (I totally have no clue how to spell that so I am spelling it phentically) cancer, so they only had to remove the lymph node for biopsy. That is the best news! I am on pain meds right now, so I'm a little goofy and don't trust myself to write much. I will post more over the next few days as I feel capable. I am doing great though and just want to shout really loud and jump up and down and be so excited.

GOD IS SO GOOD!!!!!!

It's All Greek to Me

2009-06-25T22:31:00.003-05:00

Right excisional biopsy with the following possible procedures: Right neck dissection, direct larengoscopy and esophoscopy with biopsy with micro vocal chord stripping. I can't even spell it, but it sounds delightful.

Please pray for peace in my heart. I don't really care about healing right now. I just want peace for whatever I have to go through. Of course I think I'm going to die in surgery because I'm dramatic like that. Van and I went out for lunch, and I told him everything he needed to know if I died. He kept laughing at me.

Good night. 6:00 AM comes early. Love you all!!

The Adventure

2009-06-24T22:53:00.008-05:00

I have a tendency to want Jesus to be my savior, but I don't want him to be my Lord. I'm okay with letting him be in charge long enough to save me from myself and the trouble I get into, but it becomes more difficult to let him lead me through the hard places on the way to my ultimate haven. In essence I am saying, "Thanks for helping me through that last one. Now, you can be on your way. No, I do not want to go there with you. I am just fine staying here. I will call you when I need you. I think I can handle my own decisions."

I don't want to live that existence though. I want to follow my King and submit to him in all that he asks of me, even when I don't always understand it or agree with it and would not have chosen that path for myself.

Sometimes we think we are serving God, but we are serving our own gods. We have created an image of who we think God should and shouldn't be, and we expect the Creator of our lives to fit into the mold we have made for him. We have reduced God to a formula or a recipe. If I do this and this and this, then God has to do this and this and this. So, we practice our little rituals at the alters of our agendas in order to appease the gods we have deceived ourselves into thinking are the Creator God. Then, we get angry when our formula didn't produce the desired outcome and blame God because he didn't adhere to our limited perspective of life, goodness, and happiness.

When will we see that he is so much bigger than we are? When will we see that his goals and dreams for our lives are beyond anything we would ever even imagine for ourselves? We think we know what is good, but we only know what pleases us and makes us happy. Often, the very things that make us happy are destroying us in the process. God knows this. Just like parents sometimes have to take candy away from their children before they make themselves sick, God sometimes has to cause pain to keep us from getting sick or to heal us from the sickness to which we have already succumbed.

His greatest concern is for our complete union with him. That is where we will finally feel totally loved and accepted for who we are. That is where we will feel true peace and safety. That is where we will find purpose and meaning to our existence. That is where we will wake up and realize we have finally come home. That is where we will wonder why it took us so long to get there and why we resisted going because we thought we were safe in our own selves.

God will do whatever it takes to bring about our spiritual wholeness. He will even cause physical pain. It is not that he enjoys it any more than a mother enjoys holding her child down for an inoculation. But just as the mother knows what is best for her child in the big picture, so God knows what is best for us.

It is important to clarify that God does not cause evil. That is another spiritual realm that exists apart from goodness. However, he does cause pain. This is not a popular belief. People want to make it go away by saying that Satan causes pain. However,you have to come to grips with the fact that God actually inflicts pain on his children. It is a difficult thing to embrace. Can you trust a God who causes suffering? That is a question you will have to answer for yourself.

I have answered it with a resounding yes! I can trust that kind of a God. I can lay it all before him. I can surrender my family, my husband, my daughter, my career, my religion, my dreams, my life to this God. I can make him the Lord of my life and let him call all the shots without fearing that he will ruin it and make a mess out of it. I can do this because I know he is good and faithful and just and righteous and love. I cannot explain it to you, but I am not making it up. I know. I wish I could convince everyone of it, but I can't. It is their choice. They have to put all their eggs in one basket. They have to let go of their desperate need to control all their circumstances and outcomes. They have to decide that they are willing to make whatever hard choices he asks of them.

The good news is he saves us from mediocrity and a sub-par existence for the most fulfilling, centered, exciting life we could never dream of. If you want to pray a really scary and exciting prayer, ask God to do whatever he wants with your life, and then make the choices he asks you to make and go to the places he asks you to go.

Bethany, Part III

2009-06-23T12:30:00.005-05:00

In order to understand this post, it might be helpful to read the last 3 posts.

I'm having a really hard time with this post. It was my intention to sum up all our emotions and the things we have learned through this experience. Well, that was a little unrealistic. However, since I can't keep this going indefinitely, I will try to cover some of the really important things that I would like to leave with my daughter. So, here goes...

Faith and trust are a choice. Neither one are a feeling. When I got the news that Bethany was dead, I remember making a deliberate choice that I was going to lean with all my might on my heavenly father. I was going to trust his decision and believe that there was a better reason for her to die than for her to live. I was not going to turn my back on God in anger for what he had done. It was not a feeling. It was not an experience. It was not an emotion. It was a choice.

This does not mean I did not get angry. This does not mean I did not get depressed. This does not mean that I never wished she hadn't died. It simply means that I chose to walk through those emotions with Jesus Christ at my side. Although I couldn't always make sense of what God was doing and took a good blow to what my theology had been up until this point, I was not ready to throw everything away that had transpired between me and God.

I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning most nights wrestling with whether God really loved me, and if he did, what did that love mean. Did he really keep me and my family safe or was that an illusion I had created? If it was an illusion, where was there any security? How could I reconcile what had happened with the verses I knew promising safety from God? If I was going through a time of testing, what other things would I have to experience? If I passed the test, would God use me to bring more glory to himself? Did I really want to be someone used by God to bring glory to himself? What was he going to do next? There is a verse that says the eyes of the Lord are roaming to and fro about the earth, looking for a man through whom he can glorify himself. That verse scared me so badly because if I was faithful and glorified him in this, would he use me for all sorts of other crazy and difficult things? People think being used by God is an honor and a privilege. What they may not know is, it can also be extremely painful.

People would try to tell me that God wouldn't give me anything I couldn't bear. That is exactly what scared me. I knew I could bear anything God gave me. I was not about to ever turn my back on him. I had made a choice long before anything happened that I would serve God no matter what. Like Job said, "Though He slay me, yet will I still hope in Him."

There were so many conflicting emotions going on inside me. I totally loved and adored God and wanted him to be glorified in my life. On the other hand, I was scared half to death of what he was going to accomplish in and through me. My wonderful Christian counselor told me I had a "Job complex."

I'm almost afraid to share some of my thoughts during this time because you would think I was crazy. The truth is I was!! I was literally going crazy. Furthermore, I think it was completely normal and healthy to be going crazy at this point.

One way my craziness displayed itself was I couldn't be by myself for many months after her death. Either I went with Van everywhere he went, or he didn't go. He was so patient and loving toward me during this process of grief and Post Traumatic Stress. He would also stay up all night long with me until I went to sleep because I was afraid to be alone with the whole house sleeping. Sometimes, that meant 4:00, 5:00, or even 6:00 in the morning if I had a really rough night wrestling with God and my grief.

Another thing I did was check on Allika every 5 minutes. Sometimes, I was convinced that for one reason or other I was going to find her dead. In those instances, I would beg Van to go check on her for me. Once again, his patience in this area amazes me.

One day, I was sharing all my fears about my future in God's hands with a friend. "Tanager," she said, "God doesn't give us grace for our hypothetical fears. He only gives us grace for the task he has called us to." Wow. Yep. You're right. I am letting fear steal my joy in the moment because I am trying so hard to anticipate the carpet being pulled out from under me around the next corner.

I knew what God's grace for the moment felt like. I had experienced it first hand. He had been so good to us in so many ways following the death of our daughter. For instance, the song "Held," which I shared in my previous post, was a gift from him. I had heard that song even before Bethany was born, and I fell in love with it. I mean, I absolutely loved it! My husband got me the CD for Christmas and I played track #9 over and over and over and over. There was something about that song that grabbed me and held me (so to speak). It was no coincidence that it was the song playing at the moment we left the hospital. It was also no coincidence that a man we never met, who had heard about what happened, walked up to us the day after she died, gave us the CD, and said, "I don't know if you have ever heard this song, but I thought it would bless you." It was like God was saying, "I am right here with you. I am holding you. I will not leave you."

His grace was also displayed through our family and friends who came around us in such an amazing way. Since we couldn't bring ourselves to sleep in the house the night after she died, some friends put us up in a motel room. As they were dropping us off, we formed a circle, held hands, and prayed together. That night was so hard. I sobbed through the night. My chest hurt so badly, I thought I was having a heart attack. Van called the Emergency Room, and the nurse talked him through everything and determined it was just grief. It seriously hurt so bad.

The next morning, I knew there was no way I could go on living with the pain like it was. I wanted to just get a drink and drown it all out. I went to church instead. Good choice. It was there I was ministered to in such an enormous way that no amount of alcohol could ever touch. As we sang songs of worship to our awesome God, I lifted my hands to heaven and felt the comfort of my father envelope me.

My family started arriving as soon as church was over, and for the next two weeks they surrounded me and loved me through the deepest pain. God is so good. His grace is truly amazing.

I am not finished, but I have to break this up again. Sorry. I really wanted to finish this whole story by now, but there is too much to share. Thank you for your patience. When this is all over, I will write a bunch of froo-froo, frilly, fun, happy, silly, nonsensical stuff for a while.

2009-06-20T22:31:00.003-05:00

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Bethany, Part II

2009-06-19T12:11:00.008-05:00

To follow this story, read the previous post.

At the hospital I was still not in my right mind. The admissions lady wanted to know Bethany's birth date. I told her it was 2003, no 2004, wait 2006. The lady smiled and said she would figure it out. They escorted me to a private room off of the main waiting area. I know the reason for that now. I told them not to tell me anything until my husband got there. I knew I could not hear any bad news by myself. They asked if I had any friends or family I could call. I couldn't remember phone numbers, and I thought my mom would be at work because I forgot it was Saturday.

My husband and daughter finally came. The doctor came in and said they had tried everything they could and had given her their strongest medications, but he was sorry to tell us, our daughter had passed away. My husband was stunned. He had not had the previous drama to prepare him for this. I was in shock. My husband made a few calls, and several of our friends arrived. He gave some numbers to the chaplain to call our family and tell them the news. Hospital chaplains are my heroes, too. He spoke such soothing words to us. He read a verse right then about how Bethany had been formed in my womb for a purpose. Her life had been for a reason, and so had her death. He said that God knew what it meant to lose a child. At first, I thought that was a really dumb thing to say because God knew all along that his son would be re-united with him in a few short days. Then, I realized that I knew I would be re-united with Bethany someday, too.

They asked us if we wanted to go see her. At first, we were repulsed by the thought. We didn't want to see her with all the tubes in her. They said they had to leave them for the coroner to determine cause of death. Eventually, we decided we wanted to see her and say goodbye. We wrestled with whether or not our other daughter should come. We asked the hospital staff what the effects would be on a 3-year-old. No one really knew. We decided that this was part of her life, and as difficult as it would be, she would have to grapple with all of this. It was reality for her.

The three of us made our way down the hall. Nurses were laughing and talking about their weekend plans as we passed their station. People with cuts and illnesses were waiting behind curtains to see the doctor. Then, we saw her. She was laying in her little diaper on a cold, hard table. She had a tube taped to her mouth and bandages on her body where they had started I.Vs. Apart from that, she looked like she was sleeping. She was so perfect and beautiful; I couldn't believe she was dead. I stroked her hair and kissed her temples like I always did. Allika and Van touched her and kissed her and told her goodbye. The chaplain said a prayer, and the nurses wiped tears from their eyes.

We returned to the lobby, and many of our church friends were there. I was so thankful for them. Several of them had taken off of work to come be with us. That meant so much. They loved us and prayed with us and hugged us and took care of details regarding the rest of the weekend.

My husband and I were questioned separately regarding Bethany's death. We were both so scared that we would be blamed for it. I had heard the horror stories of kids dying and parents going to jail for child abuse. I had laid her on her stomach. I had used a fluffy quilt to cushion her. I had left her for hours without checking on her. I had botched up the CPR. I had been by myself with no witnesses to my account. I couldn't stand the thought that I might go to jail and my daughter would lose her mother at this crucial time in her life. I know it might sound silly now, but I was scared half to death.

When the questioning was done, they said we could leave. I said, "That's it? We just walk out of here and leave my daughter lying on that table?" They looked at each other and seemed a little at a loss. Then, they said they would move her to another room and we could have all the time we needed to say goodbye.

We sat in that room taking turns holding her and saying goodbye. Suddenly, a nurse flew through the door. "Has she been seen yet?" she asked. I was a little confused. She continued, "Has anyone treated your daughter yet?" I told her she was dead. She got a horrified look on her face and apologized profusely. I told her we understood and it was okay.

It was time to leave. We could not hold her forever. It was so weird walking out of the hospital as if life was just as normal as it ever was. People were coming and going. Nurses were taking smoke breaks and laughing. The sun was shining. And my heart was still in the hospital with a little baby lying on a cold, hard bed.

As we all got in our cars to go to our friend's house for supper, this is the song that was playing on the local Christian radio station at that very moment:

To be continued

Bethany, Part I

2009-06-18T12:46:00.005-05:00

This will be a really hard post to read. No, seriously. This will be a really hard post to read. I have contemplated not writing this, but I know that future posts will depend on the telling of this story. In fact, I have wanted to post about other things, but they all seem to need the context of this story to make any sense. I've thought, "Oh, I'll talk about that." Then I realize it will need to be explained in light of something else, and eventually, the explanations will lead to the story I am about to tell.

I also know how important it is for my daughter to know these things. Since this whole blog is really for her, I will write with that in mind and may offend some of the rest of you in the process. Sorry for that in advance.

Bethany was born to us on December 17, 2005. She was a beautiful baby with dark black hair and big, dark eyes. We bonded right away, her and I. My other daughter fell in love as soon as we brought her home. She was an amazing big sister, constantly wanting to hold, rock, play with, and comfort "baby." As with most men, it took my husband a little while longer to form that bond, but I think he was falling in love more than he even realized.

Bethany was a sweet baby. Anyone who knew her will tell you that. She was just so content to be held or swung in her swing, and never cried unless she wanted to be held, fed, or swung. I catered to her need to be held more than I probably should have. I worried that I was really going to spoil her eventually because all I ever wanted to do was hold her and do whatever it took to make her stop crying. Sometimes I would just sit on the couch, holding her, while all the work that I should have been doing went undone.

Life was normal and sweet and fun and everything we ever wanted it to be. We couldn't have asked for more, and sometimes, I felt like we were blessed so much I couldn't take anymore. We were such a happy family with our two little girls who were going to grow up to be the best of friends. We imagined that Allika was going to be the bubbly, vivacious one who was always hatching some new plan; Bethany would be the quiet, steady sister who went along with everything her big sister wanted to do and sometimes provided a certain degree of restraint. Allika would have tons of friends and never meet a stranger. Bethany would be shy and have a few close, fiercely loyal friends. We had it all figured out.

Exactly 8 weeks after her birth, I nursed Bethany at 9:00 in the morning. My friend came over at 10:00 to help me make pies for a fundraiser we were having at church. I said goodbye to my husband who thought, for some reason, he wouldn't be able to study as well with three kids running through the house, screaming and tearing cushions off the sofa.

We got to work on the pies while Bethany sat in her swing and cried. After a little while of that, I couldn't stand it any longer. I picked her up and held her until she fell asleep in my arms. She was so precious, laying there sleeping in my arms. I lowered her into her cradle and laid her on her stomach, cushioned with a soft, yellow and pink quilt.

My friend and I were amazed at how well she slept after that. I couldn't believe she hadn't woken up yet, especially when the kids went banging and clanging into the bedroom where she was sleeping and were swiftly redirected elsewhere. I thought she would have been demanding more food by this time, but figured maybe she was exhausted. Plus, we really were getting a lot of work done while she slept, so I left her there until we were done.

After my friend left, I cleaned everything up, straightened all the couch cushions back out, put Allika down for a nap, and put the last pie in the oven. By now, I knew I had to wake Bethany up because she had just been sleeping for so long. I got a glass of ice water and a magazine to read and went in to get Bethany and nurse her while I relaxed on the couch.

When I reached her cradle, I knew something was dreadfully wrong. She was laying perfectly still with her face pressed down into the quilt. I hurriedly put my water and magazine on the dresser and picked her up out of her cradle. She was blue and purple and blood was coming out of her mouth. Surprisingly, I didn't freak out. I went into an automatic mode and just kept whispering, "No, no, no, no, no," over and over again.

I put her under my arm and raced into the kitchen to call 911. As I was calling them, I raced back to the bedroom and laid her on my bed and started blowing in her mouth and administering chest compressions. The operator told me I had to check the airway first. Oh yeah, you forget these things when you are frantically trying to breathe life into your child. I tilted her head back and reached my pinky into her throat to clear her airway. I pulled out a bunch of blood. I wiped it on her cute, little pajamas and continued CPR. Now her chest was rising. Now she was getting oxygen. Now she would be okay and start breathing again.

I heard the sirens and didn't wait, even though the operator was telling me to keep doing CPR until the paramedics got there. I picked my baby up in my arms and raced to the front door, throwing it open just as the startled fireman reached it. I thrust my baby into his arms, yelling, "Save my baby."

He immediately laid her on the floor and started mouth to mouth with no protective gear and while blood was still coming out of her mouth. To this day, I am amazed at his compassion and willingness to do that. I love first responders. They are my heroes.

The rest of the emergency personnel arrived, and that's when I fell apart. Now that they were there to take care of my baby, I sat on the couch and rocked back and forth, praying that God would save my baby. The paramedics asked me if I had any other children and told me to go and take care of my other daughter. While I was in the room with her, the whisked Bethany off to the hospital.

My husband had not taken a cell phone with him when he left, and I had not idea where he had gone to study. Plus, he was running some errands afterward, so he could be anywhere at this point. We can only reason that God led him to call from a pay phone at this exact moment. I told him to hurry and come home because Bethany wasn't breathing and they were taking her to the hospital. The poor guy said traffic had never been slower in his whole life on his way trying to get home.

Another ambulance was waiting to take me to the hospital while I left Allika at home with complete strangers until her daddy got there. I was so flustered and out of my mind I ran right out into the traffic without looking to get in the ambulance. A policeman yelled at me to be careful and snapped me out of my daze.

I thought I was in the ambulance by myself for a few minutes before the driver came, and I started crying and pleading with God to save Bethany's life. I told him I would do whatever he wanted me to do. He could do whatever he wanted with me. Would he please just save my baby's life.

To be continued

Ladies and Gentleman May I Present - The Crazies!!!!

2009-06-17T12:06:00.004-05:00

Here is a sample from our Family Talent Night 2009. Please excuse the screeching and laughter which tends to interfere with the artistic process.

The Pratt's have never really been known for their dramatic expression.

We are such retards. It drives me absolutely insane that the last chord is not resolved.

Coming Soon

2009-06-17T09:20:00.002-05:00

When my dear, sweet technological wizard of a husband comes home, I will be utilizing his skills to post some video clips. So, check back in a little while if you would like a good laugh.

The Boat

2009-06-16T10:36:00.004-05:00

A little channel ran behind the cabin my parents rented. It was wide enough to fit two good-sized boats passing each other. It had plenty of room to take the paddle boat, kayak, and row boat and putter around a little. There were lots of little fish the kids loved catching off the dock. They even got in the boat and tried to catch a few while paddling around.

As you floated up and down the channel, there were certain areas where you would catch a whiff of something dead sometimes. Once, we saw a dead duck just floating in the water bottoms up. The water was dirty and shallow, and we even disposed of a fish head in there, so we could enjoy seeing its beady eyes staring up at us every now and then.

In spite of the fact that this little channel was no Hawaiian beach, we all enjoyed ourselves nestled in our quiet cabin overlooking this functional and adequate little waterway. I had several thoughtful moments sitting at the dock with my legs dangling over the edge, watching the water and observing nature around me.

But the time came when my husband and I got in a boat and slowly (very slowly) began to make our way down the channel. We passed beautiful summer cottages along the way and drooled over the various water toys tied to the docks. We noticed the trees, stretching their lush, green branches over the bank. We felt the breeze in our faces, and laughed at our inept attempt at boating.

We looked ahead and saw that the channel was coming to an end, but the bushes and trees were blocking our view of what would come next. As we rounded the corner and went through the opening in the greenery, we just sat there in awed silence. We were on a beautiful lake, filled with see-through water, surrounded by mountains on all sides. The sky was brilliant blue above the green mountains, and the water stretched for miles and miles. The sun was setting, and we quit paddling and let our boat just rock back and forth as we sat and took in the picture God had painted for us.

As I thought about the stark contrast between the channel and the lake, I began to realize that life is a lot like that. We are content to sit on the dock of our tiny, little waterway and watch our small world go by. We think we are where we want to be because we are having so much fun playing in our dirty water.

Yet, God has so much more he wants us to experience. He knows what our lives are supposed to look like, and he wants to show us true beauty if we would let him. We cannot see it yet because we are too content in our dirty water. If we would trust him, get in the boat, and let him take us for a ride, we would come around that bend and never be content with the channel again.

Wonderfullest is a Word

2009-06-14T20:53:00.003-05:00

I just got back from the most wonderfullest vacation with my family. It was so nice to get away for a while and pretend like I didn't have any responsibility. I got to spend time with my parents, two of my sisters, and my husband and daughter. I also got to see several friends who I grew up with and haven't seen for a long time.

My parents rented a cabin on the lake, so we spent a lot of time playing games, eating, visiting, and relaxing in the cabin. The kids loved swimming, fishing, going out on the lake in various boats, and lighting fireworks. I realized how citified my daughter had become when she saw lightning bugs for the first time at 6-years-old. I am horrified at the thought.

I said goodbye to my grandmother for the last time on this trip. It was really sad seeing her and knowing it would be the last time. I kept saying goodbye and going back and saying goodbye again. I finally had to tell myself that at some point I would have to just walk away and be done. She is the sweetest, most positive woman. Even in her state of dementia she maintains her class. When my mom asked her if she remembered my husband, she very sweetly said, "I regret to say that I don't." When he asked her if she had very many visitors, she said, "Oh, just loads of them. Piled high to the ceiling." At an earlier time, when my dad asked her how she was feeling, she said, "I'm getting better and better every day," even though she is terminal with leukemia. What a beautiful lady. What a beautiful legacy.

We decided to leave my daughter with her Grandma and Grandpa for two weeks until my mom and sister come out for a visit. I will be having surgery in the next two weeks, so we thought it would work out well to have her stay. I left my mom with strict instructions on how to take care of a child. I don't know if I will be able to handle this. It's only been one day, and I already miss her something fierce. It was harder on me leaving her than it was on her. She kept insisting that she wanted to stay. I kept trying to make sure she understood exactly what it would mean. I informed her that I would be having surgery while she was at Grandma's (she had told me to make sure she knew when my surgery was). I told her several times because I thought she might not understand. Finally, she said, "Mom, why do you keep saying surgery? Surgery, surgery, surgery, surgery, surgery, surgery, surgery!!!" I laughed and said it was because she had asked me to make sure she knew when it was. She said, "Well, you only had to tell me once." She is just the neatest little kid in the whole world.

So, keep me in your prayers. They will be doing the first surgery on June 26th. Thanks for all your prayers and support. I came home to some very, very sweet cards in the mail. That was so nice. God is so good to me through you.

Vacation

2009-06-06T19:37:00.004-05:00

Just a quick post to let you know I'm on vacation right now, so I will try to post when I can. I don't have a lot of time right now, but I'm having lots of fun relaxing with my family. Lots of thoughts to share later.

Putting Life in Perspective

2009-06-04T22:44:00.003-05:00

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

A friend of mine posted this verse on my facebook wall, and it reminded me of how much I love it. It helps me to keep everything in perspective. I know that what I am going through is making me a better person. God cares more about my attaining spiritual wholeness than he does my physical wholeness. It is a process that requires the continual molding and shaping of my will until it becomes perfectly aligned with his. If you could see inside my heart like he can, you would see all the areas in which I am so held back by fear. I still try desperately to control what I cannot, and it only ties me to things that drag me down and make me less of the person I was created to be. I thought I had won a lot of battles over my fears, and I have, but God is showing me that I still hold on to so many things that paralyze me and keep me from living life to the fullest. I want to love more deeply, live more abundantly, and serve more passionately. God is working in me to help me fulfill the desires that he has for me. I will trust in that even when I do not enjoy the process.

The other thing I like about this verse is it kind of shows me how absorbed I have become in my own problems. We are all wasting away in our bodies. No one is getting out unscathed by pain and death. I am not the only one going through hard times. The hardest part of this whole thing is pretty much self-inflicted by all my worrying and borrowing trouble. The other day, I sat in my driveway and told myself to get a grip. There are a lot worse things that could happen to me than having surgery or no thyroid or radiation.

I think of all the people around me who I know and love and all the struggles they are going through. I am trying to help a Liberian friend obtain her legal immigration status. She came over to America legally during the war in Liberia but was not aware enough of the system to keep her visas renewed. It breaks my heart to hear the things she has been through. She was actually shot by rebels while praying in church. I cannot even imagine the Post Traumatic Stress that would come from that. What is even harder to watch is her disappointment as we both become more and more aware that there is no way she can be here legally. We have tried everything. The lawyers are advising her to stay here as an illegal citizen and hope she does not get deported. In the meantime, she struggles to make ends meet. I have not even begun to know that kind of pain, frustration, and hopelessness.

I think of my other friend who is fighting substance abuse and domestic abuse. It is a long, sad, and very tangled up story. It plays itself out at the same time that I sit here with a loving, supportive family and the hope in life that keeps me from drowning my pain in superficial solutions.

I do not tell these stories to say that I am more blessed than they are. I tell them to remind myself that we all have our stories of pain and suffering. I'm sure others look at me and are glad that they do not have to go through what I go through, and I probably look at them and am thankful I don't have to fight their battles. No matter who we are or what we are going through we all have one thing in common: pain. We are all dying, but Jesus came so that we might have life and have it more abundantly. God is doing a work in each of us to bring us closer to himself because that is the place where we were always meant to be.

Nodes and Lighter Notes

2009-06-03T21:57:00.004-05:00

So, I went to the doctor today to figure a bunch of things out. I felt like throwing up sitting there waiting for my appointment. My poor husband came with me and had to put up with my nerves. The doctor showed me the scan and biopsy. It was kind of cool. Anyway, I guess the first step is going to be to take the irregular lymph nodes out. There is one test they will do on the lymph nodes during the surgery, because if it's a certain kind of cancer (cannot remember these long names for the life of me), they will have to remove all the lymph nodes right then and there and go into my throat and mouth and stuff. If it is not that long-name cancer, they will close me up and run extensive tests on the nodes after the surgery. If it turns out to be the thyroid cancer (which is what they are 80-90% sure of), they will do another surgery to remove the thyroid, and then, I will have some kind of radioactive iodine therapy. Another possibility is lymphoma. Anyway, we'll burn these bridges when we get to them. He wants to do the surgeries within a few weeks.

On a lighter note, we are flying to Vermont on Friday to spend a week with my family. I get to see my sisters and parents and spend a week just relaxing in a cabin in the woods. I am so excited, even though I am flying and there just was a plane crash on Sunday that no one knows the reason for. Okay, that was my lighter note.

On an even lighter note (for real this time), I went to see my niece graduate from kindergarten tonight. So cute! She had a little cap and gown and got little diploma. How sweet is that?